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NOT TO BLAME 7/17/2016
An elderly farmer and his wife are relaxing on the front
stoep when the old woman reminds her husband that next week will mark
their golden wedding anniversary '"Let'"s have a party, dear"
she suggests. "Let"s slaughter a pig. The old-timer scratches his grizzled head "Gee I don*t know"he replies.I can"t
see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened 50 years ago.
0 Comments, 17 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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more laughter 3/12/2012
A man was removing two wheels from his car.A girl asked him:
what are you doing??Man: Can't you see the board, "Parking for two wheelers only"!!! _______
Teacher: Mack, come here, see the map and find South America.Mack:
Mam, Here it is..Teacher: Right, Good, Go to your seat.
Teacher: Students, now tell me who discovered South America, ?
Student: Miss, ,, ,, Mack .
Two cows are ...
2 Comments, 49 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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something to smile 3/12/2012
•A: yo momma so fat when she goes swimmin in the beach,
boats dock on her less •A:Yo momma so stupid, she got trapped in a grocerie store
and starved to death
Girl: Mom, i am in love with a guy..Mom shocked: How old is
the boy & what is he doing.Girl: 3 month kicking happily
in my stomach..
Man: What is a century like to you?God: It is like a short
second.Man: What is ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
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History Exam 3/12/2012
At a history examination.
EXAMINER: "Mention an important event in 1564."
EXAMINEE (after thinking for a long time): "Shakespeare
was born."
EXAMNER: "Very well, and in 1574?"
EXAMINEE: "Let me think...ah, yes. I know. Shakespeare's
tenth birthday!"
1 Comments, 33 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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The Farmer and the Blondes 3/12/2012
One day a farmer went outside to his pond with a bucket to
pick peaches from the peach tree next to his pond and there
were two blondes in the pond skinny dipping. When they saw
him they went to the deep end and said: “Don't make
us get out, we're naked!” He said: “I ain't.
I just came to feed my alligators.”
0 Comments, 50 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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Enjoy 8/25/2010
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd
done many times before. After she applied her lipstick
and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma,
you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking
about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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Some pretty cute ones here. ENJOY ! 6/20/2010
Some 'Senior' personal ads seen in ''theVillages''
Florida newspapers Who says seniors don't have a sense of
humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am ...
0 Comments, 77 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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locked her keys in the car 5/26/2010
> A woman was at work when she received a phone call that
her small > was very sick with a fever. > > > She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get
some medication. > > > She got back to her car and found that she had locked
her keys in the car. > > > She didn't know what to do, so she called home and
told the baby sitter what > had happened. > > > The baby sitter told her that the ...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score
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NEW CORVETTE CONVERTIBLE 3/9/2010
A FLORIDA SENIOR CITIZEN HAPPILY DROVE HIS BRAND NEW CORVETTE
CONVERTIBLE OUT OF THE DEALERSHIP....TAKING OFF DOWN
THE ROAD, HE FLOORED IT TO 80 MPH, ENJOYING THE WIND BLOWING
THROUGH WHAT LITTLE HAIR HE HAD LEFT.
"AMAZING, " HE THOUGHT AS HE FLEW DOWN I-95,
PUSHING THE PEDAL EVEN MORE. LOOKING IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR,
HE SAW A STATE TROOPER BEHIND HIM, LIGHTS FLASHING AND SIREN ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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DID GOD MAKE ME? 3/8/2010
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she
asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me, " the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did
God make me too?"
"Yes, God made you, " the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying
her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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It could be you. 2/5/2010
$5.37. That's what the behind the counter at Taco
Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes
and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already
handed the a five-spot, I started to head back out to
the truck to grab some change when the with the Elmo hairdo
said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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And so it goes...... 1/27/2010
A group of 40 years old buddies discuss and discuss where
they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof
zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there
have low cut blouses and nice breasts. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again
and once again they discuss and discuss where they should
meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they ...
0 Comments, 46 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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Over the hill 1/24/2010
OVER THE HILL
You know you are over hill when ....
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and
you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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One more time 1/20/2010
IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't
worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
0 Votes
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Happiness 1/3/2010
The place to be happy is here.The time to be happy is now.The
way to be happy is to make other people happy.
1 Comments, 28 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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GRANDMA’S 12/4/2009
I was out walking with my 4-year -old Grand . She
picked up something off of the ground and started to put
it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her
not to do that.
'Why?' my Granddaughter asked.
'Because it's been on the ground; you don't
know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs, ' I replied.
At this point, my Granddaughter ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Well my job is done 12/3/2009
Senior Road Trip While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they
left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses
on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had
been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to
the aggravation, they had to travel quite a ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Church humor 12/2/2009
=========== A father was approached by his small who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?" The replied, "I do know!" "Okay, " said his father. "What does
the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy
replied excitedly, " It stands for 'Basic Information
Before Leaving Earth.'" (This one is ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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FIRST VISIT TO CHURCH 11/28/2009
A mother took her three-year-old to church for
the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the
choir came down the aisle, carrying lighted candles.
All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to
you, happy birthday to you . . ."
0 Comments, 27 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Senior Moments 10/31/2009
Though I walk through The Valley of Senior Moments for my
Senior Discount Card is with me. A pair of Reading Glasses
in each Room shall comfort me. Shall follow me all the days of my life In the restaurants of The Early Bird Special While enjoying Retirement Bliss Forever.
0 Comments, 18 Views,
0 Votes
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BIBLICAL BUMPER STICKERS 10/12/2009
BIBLICAL BUMPER STICKERS
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't
nobody happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!" ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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The Talking Centipede 9/25/2009
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted
to buy an unusual pet
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use
for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Differences 9/13/2009
Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers
and Grandfathers is? Well here it is:
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made
a special effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter
out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.. Just he
and his granddaughter.
One particular ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
0 Votes
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Pray for Leroy 8/24/2009
"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward,
to the front at the altar, " the Preacher says. Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher
asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for
you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my
hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he
places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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But here's the worst of it 8/19/2009
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps
and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is
getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially
hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
0 Votes
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HEARD ON NOAHS ARK 7/29/2009
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels
on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes
on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back
There!" ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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TAXI DRIVER IN HEAVEN 7/25/2009
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St.
Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter
to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling
alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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bloopers of biblical proportions 7/20/2009
Written by Sunday School students
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired
of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire
by night. ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
0 Votes
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Bible Q&A 7/19/2009
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was
in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's . She went down to the bank of
the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less.
Q. ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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AFTER GIVING A SERMON 7/12/2009
The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day
and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual
greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the
church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the
seven year old of one of the Deacons of the church.
"Good morning, Jonathan, " the preacher said
as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.
As ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Teeth Problem 7/8/2009
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled
and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded
this way.
The first Sunday, my gums were so ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
0 Votes
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Fishy Story 7/8/2009
> An Ole story: > > > > Ole was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota
leaving a lake well > known for its Walleye. He had two buckets of fish. As
it was during the > spawning season, the game warden asked, "Do
you have a license to catch those > fish?" > > Ole replied, "No, sir! Dese here are my pet fish."
> > "Pet fish?" The warden asked. > > "Ya sure, you betcha, " answered Ole.
"Every ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
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MINISTER GIVES SERMON 7/5/2009
MINISTER GIVES SERMON
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as
he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking
the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and
nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Divorce versus Murder 7/4/2009
Divorce VS Murder ...
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy! I can't give ...
2 Comments, 79 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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attracting only the finest bellringers in the country 7/2/2009
There was a monastery in France at the edge of a cliff overlooking
a beautiful valley, and because its bells could be heard
over such a wide area, it developed a reputation for attracting
only the finest bellringers in the country. There was always a bit of dread when a bellringer passed
on or retired, and one year, when they spread the word of
their need for a new master, there was a dearth of ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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Listen to what the little tykes say 7/2/2009
Each paragraph is a small vignette and out of the mouths
of "babes"! Never hurts to listen to what the
little tykes say!
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office,
a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat
there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should
make small talk with him, a little boy ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Inline-skating, for People Over 50 - Medic!! 6/19/2009
I had imagined this new adventure in a totally different
way. Although I knew that it was going to take some practice,
endurance, commitment and lots of ibuprofen. So my decision
was made to spend some hard-earned money on something that
had to have it's origins in mid-evil, torture chamber,
centuries ago, a pair of inline-skates.
Here's a simple description of an inline-skate, for ...
2 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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BENEFITS OF THE REVIVAL 6/15/2009
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were
discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked
out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that!
We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even
better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
0 Votes
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Just a wonderful senior love story: 6/13/2009
> An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's
home for dinner one > evening. > > He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every
request to his > wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love,
Darling, Sweetheart, > Pumpkin, etc. > > The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were > still very much in love. > > While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Foyer of the church 6/12/2009
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing
in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It
was covered with names and small American flags mounted
on either side of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some
time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy,
and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.' Good morning
Pastor, he replied, ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
0 Votes
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Smile, it gives your face something to do! 6/10/2009
Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed
Him "playing church" with their cat.
He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it.
She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran
back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in
a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid
of water!" ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
0 Votes
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FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER 5/24/2009
I REMEMBER……………
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when
' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall
was the host asking the questions, of course.. I have to add this one in, I remember it so well! I laughed
most of the day and it kept popping into ...
3 Comments, 41 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Senior marriage 5/22/2009
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Monastery of Silence 5/19/2009
> Sister Maria Elisabeth entered the Monastery of Silence.
> > > The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery.
> You are welcome here as long as you like, > but you may not speak until directed to do so."
> > Sister Maria Elisabeth lived in the monastery for
5 years > before the Priest said to her, > "Sister Maria Elisabeth, you have been here
for 5 years. You may speak two > words." > > ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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DEAF MEN IN A BAR 5/11/2009
A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using
sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using
sign language to speak to them.
When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he
had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained
that these were regular customers and had taught him to
speak in sign.
The man thought that was great. ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Helping 5/8/2009
HELPING A CRIMINAL When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before
the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after
the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.
A DRUNK IRISIHMAN FALLS
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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Getting old in Florida 5/7/2009
> > Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch
in Bonita Springs, doing > > nothing. > > One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get
horny?' > > The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' > > The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about
it?' > > The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
> > After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who
drives you to the > > beach?' > > ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Speeding 5/5/2009
A state trooper pulls over a car on the interstate dawdling
along at half the posted limit. As he strolls up to the drivers
window he notes the car is full of little old ladies. The
driver is smiling, but the passengers all seem to be in shock
or petrified. He tells the driver she is driving dangerously slow for
the interstate and advises her to pick up the pace or she
might get run over. She ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Groaners 4/22/2009
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink
and derive.
“Why was the ink drop sad?
Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how
long the sentence would be!”
1 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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AND YOU EXPECTED WHAT? 4/8/2009
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before
he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I
finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!" ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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AP Government Class 4/3/2009
Natural Born Citizen
Since we now have a new president some political humor might
be in store. The following is a funny and true story occurring in an AP
Government class at Santa Fe High School .
In one civics class, the young adults were discussing the
qualifications to be president of the United States It is pretty simple. The
candidate must be a natural born citizen and at ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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HOUSEWORK'! 3/7/2009
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny
arrived home from work to find the bathed, one load of laundry
in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the
stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives
who work full-time and had to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex'.
The night went ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Sorry about this! 3/3/2009
Notice:
Due to recent budget cuts, high unemployment and the rising
costs of food, electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions,
and the overall state of the union, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has
been turned off.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
0 Comments, 24 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS" 2/25/2009
PUNS
01. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 02. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 03. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
04. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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IRS decides to audit Grandpa 2/23/2009
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain
by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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Getting older in Florida 2/18/2009
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita
Springs doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
drives you to the beach?" ******************************** Three old ladies ...
0 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,6.10 Score
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'2' for English 2/14/2009
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 2/7/2009
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach
a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move ...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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A Doctor was addressing a large audience: 2/1/2009
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that
is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT....... 1/26/2009
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent
football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior
citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the
older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for
many of those nearby to hear. "The young ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! 1/25/2009
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a , adults used to bore me to tears With their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they
were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to
school every morning. Uphill... barefoot.... BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There
was no ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Tour 1/22/2009
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide
led them through the process of cheese making, explaining
that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely
hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These'
she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What
do you do in ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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PUN INTENDED 1/18/2009
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Gramps has his hands full 1/18/2009
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and
his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious
Gramps has his hands full with the screaming for candy in the candy
aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in
a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy,
boy.' ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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NEW MEDS 1/16/2009
Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come
up with some great > new stuff to make life easier.
• St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
• Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were
as ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
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SERENITY 1/13/2009
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98, ' she
replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96, ' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Monastery in Europe 1/4/2009
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high
on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in
a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who
pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was
terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about
half-way ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
0 Votes
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A couple new add-ons to an old one 1/1/2009
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection
for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry
and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1, 000
miles to the gallon.'
...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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One of these days 1/1/2009
Q: What's the definition of optimism? A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday
evening. *** How do you start a small business these days? Simple, buy a big one and wait. *** The credit crunch is getting bad, isn't it? I mean,
I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it
turns out I'm now North Carolina's fourth biggest
lender. *** Q: What is the difference ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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The store wasn't ready 12/4/2008
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't
ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior
is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what
we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious senior walked to the window, had a ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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New movie project 11/29/2008
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and
Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly
desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars,
so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers
they wished to portray, as long as they were famous. ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
0 Votes
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Whatever you give 11/24/2008
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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A Kentucky Ghost Story 11/16/2008
> This happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro,
> Kentucky, a small town on the banks of the Ohio River.
While > it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's
indeed > real. > An out of state traveler was walking along the side
of the > road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a > thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went
by It was > raining so hard he could barely ...
1 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Sunday Paper 10/29/2008
For all of us who are --- seniors ---
for all of you who know --- seniors ---
and for all of you who --- will be seniors ---
Sunday Paper . . . . .
'WHERE Is My SUNDAY PAPER?' The irate customer
calling
the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know
why
her Sunday edition had not yet ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Which way do you want it? 10/26/2008
while searching and browsing new members and possible
matches, I noticed several members who were seeking a serious
relationship. the only thing i found kinda funny, was the
fact they wanted a woman/man (not gender prejudice here)
and a couple for a serious relationship. how exactly is
that done since you can't (or can you) have a serious
relationship with a couple. when we first signed up ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Hillbilly went hunting 10/23/2008
A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three
ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about
to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden
who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting
license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting
license.
The game warden looked at the ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
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What? 9/29/2008
A Jewish lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to bite
into her meal when she turns to the man sitting alone at the table next
to her.
'Pardon me, sir' she says. 'Your napkin has
fallen on the floor.
'Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know.
I'm blindt.'
He reaches down to find his napkin.
Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has spilled
any ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Perfect Diet 9/28/2008
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina
chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder and was
in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired
and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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Holiday Education 9/21/2008
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that
she's going home for Rosh Hashanah
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the
holiday when you light the candles?"
"No, " the Jewish girl replies, "That's
Hannukah"
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that
when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No, " the Jewish girl replies, "That's ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Spread the Stupidity 8/26/2008
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in ...
0 Comments, 3 Views,
0 Votes
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Giving birth at 65 8/25/2008
> Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!! > > With all the new technology regarding fertility recently,
a > 65-year-oldfriend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged > fromthe hospital and went home, I went to visit. > > 'May I see the new baby?' I asked > > 'Not yet, ' She said 'I'll make
coffee and we can visit for a while first.' > > Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I ...
0 Comments, 6 Views,
0 Votes
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Computer Problem 8/22/2008
> I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard,
the great > little 11 year old from next door whose bedroom
looks like > Mission Control, and asked him to come over. > > Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. > > As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So,
what was wrong? He > replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' > > I didn't want to appear stupid, but ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
0 Votes
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A learning process 8/17/2008
A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about
hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit
in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions' and then
the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for
a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your
chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things
like ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
0 Votes
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Celibacy 8/11/2008
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed
by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife
Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important
to each other.
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your
wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Don't make a Nurse angry 8/5/2008
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed
them around like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff
wanted to have anything to do with him. >> >>>> The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature." >> >>>> After complaining for several ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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CADDIE OVERHEARD 8/2/2008
The 10 best caddie comments: #10 Golfer: 'I think I am going to drown myself in the
lake.' Caddie: 'Do you think you can keep your head down that
long?' #9 Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break
100 on this course.' Caddy: 'Try heaven; you've already moved most
of the earth.' #8 Golfer: 'Do you think my game is improving?'
Caddy: 'Yes sir. You miss ...
0 Comments, 5 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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The Mule and The Mother In Law 7/25/2008
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While
they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the
head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood
near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The
pastor noticed that ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Why? 7/25/2008
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we
ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find
the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up"
mean ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Quick Thinking 7/22/2008
Quick thinking
I wish I could think so quickly. . .
A man boarded a plane with 6 .
After they got settled in their seats a woman
sitting across the aisle from him leaned over
to him and asked, 'Are all of those yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints.'
0 Comments, 15 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Church 7/10/2008
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her and tell
him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,
'I'm not going.' 'Why not?' she asked. I'll give you two good reasons, ' he said. '(1),
they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons
why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!' ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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New Living Will Form 6/29/2008
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't
pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it
or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running
up ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE 6/26/2008
DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE
I met this guy awhile ago, and he has A motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and
Live by these 4 rules : Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.
I was shaking my head 'No, but he then told me to listen
While he explained his four rules. So here they are :
1. DRINK from the 'springs of living water' every
day.
2. STEAL a ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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Touring Toronto 6/24/2008
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves
on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind
us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers
please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday
yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month, ' ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Need to hunt 6/22/2008
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and
go hunting so he approached his assistant.
'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic.'
'I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?' ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Retired project 6/18/2008
I've often been asked, 'What do you people do now that you're retired?'
Well, I have a friend who has a chemistry background and
one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon,
scotch, gin, vodka, and wine into urine.
And, by golly, we're pretty damn good at it!!
0 Comments, 18 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Chicken crossed the road 6/14/2008
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!
The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
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Old Fairy Tale Revisited 5/6/2008
One day, long, long ago....... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But this was a long time ago.......
and it was just that one day.
The End
2 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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A wee bit about me 4/19/2008
^I`m 6ft 1 tall weigh around 88 kg, full head of white hair,
attend gym around 3 times a week, -------not a fitness freak-----and
live alone. Looking for a mate with keen sense of humor, ---
and not too narrow minded, though possessing qualities
we dont see in this day and age. Easy going guy , so if you are
serious, ------ contact me. Regardz Smithy40.
1 Comments, 40 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
|
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A wee bit about me 4/19/2008
^I`m 6ft 1 tall weigh around 88 kg, full head of white hair,
attend gym around 3 times a week, -------not a fitness freak-----and
live alone. Looking for a mate with keen sense of humor, ---
and not too narrow minded, though possessing qualities
we dont see in this day and age. Easy going guy , so if you are
serious, ------ contact me. Regardz Smithy40.
0 Comments, 23 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
|
Boudreaux N Thibodeaux 4/12/2008
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: *'Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'*
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious ...
1 Comments, 30 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
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SENIOR TRAVELERS 3/27/2008
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and
an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters
showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking
in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called
them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you
could never hope to ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
This is funny 3/21/2008
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and invite everyone
to the wedding. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry,
we don't serve extension cords in here." The
jumper cable says, "Hey, I'm not an extension
cord, I'm a jumper cable!" The bartender says,
"OK, I'll serve you, but don't start ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
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Response 3/9/2008
A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back
and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that
there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to
die. True to his word he made contact. "Connie....Connie."
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's
wonderful! What's it like?"
...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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BIRTHDAY REMINDER 3/6/2008
----- BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky
turned 34.
Can you believe it?! It seems like only yesterday she was
crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
0 Comments, 25 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Having a baby 3/6/2008
OLE 'N LENA HAVE A BABY
Lena is pregnant with Ole's . Late one night,
Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the
hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and
said, 'A ! Ain't dat great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke
up and said, Hold on! ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
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Thoughts 2/28/2008
Thought 1 # When we are born, our mother's get the compliments.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the
publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
# Thought 2 # The average man's life consists of: Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too. ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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$50.00 IS $50.00 2/27/2008
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY
YEAR. EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, 'ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN
THAT HELICOPTER.' ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, 'I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.'
FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS
SAID, 'ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THATÂ HELICOPTER
NOW, I MIGHT ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
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From the farm pond 2/25/2008
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man
kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht.
Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows
have crapped in it") The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim,
I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English.
If you can't speak in the ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
Sally with a smile 2/10/2008
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her
face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to
say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really
small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No... salty!'
Mom fainted
0 Comments, 44 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
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THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST 2/3/2008
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy
the council, they changed the ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Car Trouble 1/30/2008
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My
car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even
fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next
morning, he asks the monks ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Two old guys 1/20/2008
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
park
bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even
short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's
stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every
day. It
keeps your ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
|
|
Religious Differences 1/19/2008
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one
Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming
from the other direction.
'Hello', said the little boy
'Hi, ' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm
on my way ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
Why I Hate Ironing 1/16/2008
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The
doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered,
" I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead
of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" The dod tor exclaimed in disbelief,
"But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
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Not a single 1/6/2008
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made
a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he
would take his 7-year old out for a drive in the car for some bonding
time. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really
didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue
and said that she would take their out. When they ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
52 years ago! 12/20/2007
>>>>> Comments made in the year 1955!
>>>>> That's only 52 years ago! > > >>>>> 'I'll tell you one thing,
if things keep going the way they are, it's >>>>> going to be impossible to buy a week's
groceries for $20.00.' > >>>>> 'Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won't be long >>>>> before $2, 000.00 will only buy
a used one.' > >>>>> 'If cigarettes keep going
up in price, I'm ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Need a good laugh 12/17/2007
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these 's
science exam answers
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Memories of My Ex 12/9/2007
Isn't it funny the things you remember about your marriage?
After sweating through the stress of divorce and coming
to grips with the fact that we both had something to do with
why the marriage did not last, I find myself remembering,
above all else, his funny quips.
Example: We are getting ready to go out. I say, "What am I going to do with my hair?" His
response, "Have you tried fire?" ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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THE HAIRDRYER MAKES IT THROUGH CUSTOMS 11/29/2007
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked
the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course my . What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic
hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened
and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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A simple question,please....? 11/18/2007
Hello all friends...(Mainly the sweeties women lolll...,
but handshake for men...). A simple question about frienship beetween a woman (or
women, indeed) and a frenchie(froggie...lol) man...:
Is it impossible, or forbidden...? Why is it so difficult to have any "friend contact"
and not particularly "love" (why not, but i
think time is useful for making acquaintance, no...?).
Are all women afraid ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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GOOD OLD JOKES 11/8/2007
BUT, I'm not implying that you're OLD !!!
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family ...
2 Comments, 72 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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MOSES 10/29/2007
Recently, while going through an airport during one of
his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long
gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding
a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has
anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man
didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just ...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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Upset Golfer 10/6/2007
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match
with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy!
I'd give anything to sink this putt, " the golfer
mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your
sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Dear Abby 9/13/2007
The problems mounted so a letter had to be written………………..
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but
if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with "the girls" a lot recently ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Dear Abby 9/13/2007
The problems mounted so a letter had to be written………………..
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but
if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with "the girls" a lot recently ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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KILLER BISCUITS 9/13/2007
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual
AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting
her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back
of her head.
One customer who ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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Murphy's Law Revisited 9/6/2007
>& Law of Economics >The amount needed for the present emergency is always
in direct proportion >to the amount you had saved for a vacation. > >& Law of Mechanical Repair >After your hands become coated with grease, your nose
will begin to itch or >you'll have to pee. > >& Law of the Workshop >Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible
corner. > >& Law of Probability >The ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Watch for the signs 8/28/2007
It had rained for days over his property.As flood waters
threatened the Police offered to drive him to a shelter.
He refused Saying "My God will save me. Later, as floods
surrounded his cottage, the man moved to the first floor.
A boat man risked life and limb to rescue him, but his reply
to the invitation to "Jump!" was, "No!
Go away, my God will save me". He simillarly refused
a lift in a ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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Swell Occassion! 8/27/2007
Harry and Pete were constructing a shed .Harry's hammer
slipped catching Pete a glancing blow to his thumb. They
parted company fairly swiftly and Harry returned home
to take his heavilly pregnant wife to the hospital, for
a checkup. Coming out of the casualty door they met Pete,
who held up his bandaged finger and moaned "Look what
your husband did to me!" "Tha's nothing!" scoffed the woman ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
9 Votes
,3.21 Score
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Evolution in Teaching Math Since the 1950s 8/15/2007
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells ...
1 Comments, 63 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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IF Their Mothers were Jewish 8/14/2007
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money
your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't
care what you've discovered, you didn't call,
you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you
paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other
? Do you know how hard it is to get that ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
0 Votes
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lost my wallet 8/13/2007
A guy named Moe, traveling through Mexico on vacation,
lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by a U.S. Customs Agent
at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks
the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet, " replies
Moe.
"Sure buddy. I hear that every day. No ID, no entry, " ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Moaner 7/28/2007
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make
such an obvious error, he replied,
...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
0 Votes
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It will happen!!! 7/26/2007
>> >> YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID These people prove it
is a terminal condition. As >> always, competition this year has been keen.
The candidates this year >> are... >> >> >> Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got
stuck and drowned in >> two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide >> sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. >> >> Seventh Place A 49-year-old San ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Right On 7/15/2007
A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
included 20 Admirals from the US, English, Canadian, Australian
and French Navies.
At a reception, he found himself standing with a huge group
of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their
drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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Groaner 7/15/2007
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he approached his assistant.
'George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: 'So, George, how was your day?' ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Security 7/12/2007
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used
size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
& Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more
ammunition. Back in an hour. ...
1 Comments, 45 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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It's all in the way you look at it..... 7/10/2007
1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shouts from the back seat, "Mom! That
lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note ...
2 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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No one believes 7/10/2007
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old ...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Guardian Angel on the Job 7/7/2007
This is worth sharing the giggles too  
Guardian Angel on the Job
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall
down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was
going to cross the ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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The Mule, the Monkey & The Man 7/7/2007
I read this somewhere, and I think it's good to share
the laughs
The Mule, the Monkey & The Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule.
You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence.
You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years
is too much. ...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Three Arkansas Surgeons 7/4/2007
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries > they had performed. > > One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in
Arkansas . In my favorite > case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident,
I reattached > them, > and 8 months later he performed a private concert for
the Queen of England. > > The second surgeon said. "That's nothing.
A young man lost an ...
3 Comments, 60 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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Second time around 7/1/2007
Jim was in his early 50s, retired from the Marine Corps,
and started a second career. However, he just couldn't
seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, real sharp, so his boss was in a quandary
about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day the boss called him into the office for
a talk. "Jim, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,
you ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Duties 6/28/2007
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they
had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Iowa. He told her that
she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple
days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and
dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a Woman from Minnesota. He had
given his wife ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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IN CHURCH 6/13/2007
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't
worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score
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Ambushed 6/12/2007
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch
of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed
him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So,
the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could
answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year
to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had
no answer; he would be put to death.
The ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Bear Challenge 6/12/2007
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
in Marquette. They would get together two or three times
a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would
be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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At 85 years of age 6/11/2007
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after
their wedding, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms,
because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may
over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself
for bed and the expected ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 6/11/2007
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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New Survivor Show 5/31/2007
SOUTHERN SURVIVOR Because of the popularity of the Survivor shows, several
southern TV stations are joining together and are planning
to do their own,
entitled: "SURVIVOR-- SOUTHERN STYLE"
The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia
and on to South Carolina. >From there they will head
up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then
proceed ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly 5/28/2007
A woman walked into the kitchen
to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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Time Management Problem 5/26/2007
A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just
couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields,
they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they
made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime,
they made love. The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to
travel home and another half hour to return to ...
0 Comments, 154 Views,
17 Votes
,2.56 Score
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Senior Prenup 5/24/2007
An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house. He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac. He said: That's fine with me.
She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week. He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Mondays
0 Comments, 38 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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Negative People 5/16/2007
This is something to think about when negative people are
doing their best to rain on your parade. Remember this story the next time
someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your
life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled
for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip
to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would ...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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Top Excuses When Caught Napping at Your Desk 5/15/2007
"It's okay...I'm still billing the ."
"..in the Lord Jesus' name, amen."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved
about in the last time-management course you sent me to."
"I was working smarter, not harder."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
I wasn't sleeping! I ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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How To Shower Like A Woman/Man 5/14/2007
How To Shower Like a Woman: Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental
note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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Recipe 5/10/2007
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when
he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work
for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent
an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds
crazy but it actually ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Lady walks into a Pharmacy 5/7/2007
A nice, calm & respectable woman went into a pharmacy,
looked the Pharmacist straight into his eyes & said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big & he exclaimed,
"Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Marketing 5/2/2007
Grocery store music -- Surround Sound >The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic
water mister to keep >the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, > >you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell
of fresh rain. > >When you approach the milk cases, >you hear cows mooing > > >and witness the scent of fresh hay. > >When you approach the egg case, >you hear hens cluck and cackle > > ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Special Poem 4/23/2007
LAUGH A LITTLE EVERY DAY.
SPECIAL POEM FOR US "SENIOR CITIZENS"
A row of bottles on my shelf Caused me to analyze myself. One yellow pill I have to pop Goes to my heart so it won't stop. A little white one that I take Goes to my hands so they won't shake. The blue ones that I use a lot Tell me I'm happy when I'm not. The purple pill goes to my brain And tells me that I ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Pig Farmer 4/22/2007
A farmer had five female pigs and, as times were hard, he
had decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.
While at the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male
pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs
and split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles away from one another and
so they agreed to drive thirty miles and find a field in which
to mate ...
0 Comments, 46 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Cleaning Chickens 4/18/2007
Late again, " the third-grade teacher said to little
Sammy.
"It ain't my fault, " Miss Crabtree. "You
can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours
late is Daddy sleeps naked!"
Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd
years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite
her mounting fears. Full of ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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OOOPS 4/8/2007
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had \bsexo?\b before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his ...
1 Comments, 1313 Views,
100 Votes
,6.64 Score
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Southern Comfort 4/7/2007
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah
River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge,
she noticed a young man fix'n {ready} to jump. She stopped
her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't
jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going
to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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In Bed 4/7/2007
Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."
0 Comments, 44 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Heavenly Spelling Tests 4/2/2007
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked
through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting
all around were her parents and all the other people she
had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began
calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've
been waiting for you! Good to see you." ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
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Real Compassion 4/1/2007
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation
with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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A Man Sitting At A Bar 4/1/2007
A man is sitting at a bar when the man sitting next to him slides
off his stool and onto the floor. He helps him up and buys
him a drink and ten minutes later he falls off his stool again.
Helping the guy up again he sees he doesn't think the
guy can drive himself home so he offers to give him a lift
and the guy accepts and goes to stand up and falls on his face.
The man helps him to his feet and ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Birds & Bees 3/31/2007
The Modern Story of Where Babies
Come From.
A little boy goes to his father and asks, “Daddy, how was
I born?"
The father answers, “Well , I guess one day you will need
to find out anyway. Your Mom and I first got together in a
chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via email with your
mom and we met at Cyber-Café. We snuck into a secluded ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Untangling Knots 3/31/2007
Untangling Knots
BETH MOORE AT THE AIRPORT >> For those of you who don't know Beth Moore, she is an
outstanding Bible teacher, writer of Bible studies, and
is a married mother of two daughters. She is a member of First
Baptist in Houston . This is one of her experiences: >> >> April 20, 2005 >> >> At the Airport in Knoxville >> >> Waiting to board the plane, ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Gold, Common Sense & Fur 3/31/2007
Gold, Common Sense and Fur By Linda
C. Stafford
My husband and I had been happily (most of the time) married
for five years but hadn't been blessed with a baby.
I decided to do some serious praying and promised God that
if he would give us a , I would be a perfect mother, love
it with all my heart and raise it with his word as my guide.
God answered my prayers and ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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The Coat Hanger 3/31/2007
The Coat Hanger A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her
small was very sick with a fever. She left her work and
stopped by the Pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found
that she had locked her keys in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she
called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
0 Votes
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The Atheist & the Bear 3/31/2007
An atheist was walking through the
woods when he stopped and thought: "What majestic
trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!"
Then, as he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling
in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7- foot
grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up
the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
0 Votes
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Hell - As Defined by a Chemistry Student 3/31/2007
HELL - as explained by
a Chemistry student
The following is an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Guy Rules 3/27/2007
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are ...
1 Comments, 50 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Wishes 3/21/2007
Three Guys & a Genie
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an
American engineer are walking together one day. They come across
a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is
three wishes total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,
and my will also farm. I want the land to be forever ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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What a Night 3/14/2007
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both
were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed
to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe
with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her
friend, however, was wearing a rather ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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Diary - Cat Diary 3/13/2007
DIARY >>8:00 am - food! My favorite thing! >> >>9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! >> >>9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
>> >>10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
>> >>12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! >> >>1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
>> >>3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! >> >>5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! >> ...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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A Priest and a Rabbi 3/10/2007
An Irish priest ran into the back of a rabbi's car. Both
men get out and inspect the damage. The rabbi says "we
are both men of God there should be no hard feelings".
The priest say's "I agree rabbi there is too much
of that in the world". The rabbi say's "
I have a bottle of sacremental wine in the car, would you
care for a snort. The priest says sure. So the Rabbi gives
him the bottle and the ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Texas Cowboy 3/10/2007
A Texas cowboy read in the paper that Alaska had become a
state making Texas the second biggest state. He became
so upset being a resident of the second biggest state that
he went to Alaska to see how he could become an official resident
of Alaska. He walked into the first bar he found and announced that
he was ashamed of being a resident of the second biggest
state. “I want to ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Sixties Stars revisted 3/9/2007
> It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of
the artists >of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics
to accommodate aging >baby boomers. They include: > > Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got
a Lovely Walker > Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
> The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip > Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
> Roberta ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Special attendance 3/7/2007
Special attendance, Recruit Tom is a left handed person
When recruit training, the drillmaster issues order:
" Walks in step! "Tom stretches out the left
leg, other people are the right leg Thedrillmaster said
" TOM, can't you understand stretche your rightleg?
! " Tom " : You must look after me, my father is
an aregeneral I am left handed person. " When the training
start again, the drillmaster ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
0 Votes
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The earth quake .....? 3/6/2007
One day, a person walking along the street, suddenly, had
tumbled.After got up, walked two stepps far, also tumbled
.Thereupon, he very quickly got up. But, resembled it's
the same as God cracks a joke with him, walked two steps,
he tumbled on the ground , again and again.so he was crawling
on the ground. The second person saw the first person crawlling on the
ground, was very strange, he ...
1 Comments, 33 Views,
3 Votes
,0.49 Score
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Tell me this won't happen to us 2/27/2007
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: >> >>An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone
to report that her car >>has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation
to >>the dispatcher: "They've stolen the
stereo, the steering wheel, the >>brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried. >> >>The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer
is on the way." >> >>A few minutes later, ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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My cat is better then your cat 2/26/2007
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were .
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government
Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square,
do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk,
took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a
square, and a triangle.
...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Exercise is Important 2/26/2007
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate
exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain
cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first,
then do more repetitions as you become more proficient
and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Nice Pigs 2/24/2007
RAZORBACKS
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs these Are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Pilot 2/21/2007
A blonde pilot
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter.
She went to the airport, but the only one available was a
solo-helicopter.
The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since
she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct
her via radio. So up the blonde went. She reached 1, 000 feet and everything was going well.
She ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
1 Votes
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I Promise 2/20/2007
Artie and Liz had been married for over 35 years and Liz put
up with his tight-fisted attitude towards money, all those
years.
Artie had accumulated about a million dollars that he had
tucked away in the bank. But he made Liz promise that if he
died before she did that she would bury him with his money.
Being the good wife that she was, Liz promised him she would.
At Artie's ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Two sides to every story 2/19/2007
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted
me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple
times before he would even answer the phone.
Immediately, the husband drove downtown toconfront the
druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
told ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Now we know 2/19/2007
For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads.
We have always naively thought that it had something to
do with their religion.
The Indian Embassy in Washington, D. C has recently revealed
the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into
the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches
off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Senior Dating 2/19/2007
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are
talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for
a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted
to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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OLD 2/15/2007
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's
go upstairs and make love, " and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the
wrinkles out of your face.
...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Super Bowl 2/11/2007
A man had box seat tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,
a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat
next to him.
"No, " he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible, " said the man. "Who
in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting
event in the
world, and not use it?"
The first man ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Hoffa and Kenneth 2/10/2007
Hillary Clinton was spending the morning at a primary school
in
Ithaca, NewYork to talk to the about her job as
a US Senator.
After her talk, she offered question time. One little boy
puts up his
hand, and the Senator asked him to say his name.
"Kenneth." he replied.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
First - ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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JEWISH HUMOR 2/9/2007
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel
at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket
on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with
him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you, " he responded, and turned
back to his book.
...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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How to 2/9/2007
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only
needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Your might have grown up in ND if 2/9/2007
** You might have grown up in North Dakota if...........**
You know how to polka, but never tried it sober
You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means
You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar
hopping between
the reception and wedding dance.
You know the difference between "Green" and
"Red" farm machinery, and would
fight ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
0 Votes
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ND Winters 2/9/2007
Winter Temperatures
>>
>>
>> 60 above zero:
>>Floridians turn on the heat.
>>People in North Dakota plant gardens.
>>
>> 50 above zero:
>>Californians shiver uncontrollably.
>>People in Fargo sunbathe.
>>
>> 40 above zero:
>>Italian & English cars won't start.
>>People in North Dakota drive with the windows
down.
>>
>> 32 above zero:
>>Distilled water ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
0 Votes
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Dear Husband 2/9/2007
Sunday - 4:35PM
Dear Husband,
I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving
you for good. I've been a good woman for seven years
and I have
nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called
to tell me that you had quit your job today and that
was the last straw.
...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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know nothing 2/6/2007
This is something to think about when negative people are
doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this
story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares
less, tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled
for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip
to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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A Gift 2/3/2007
A Gift.....
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being
old. I was taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old.
Upon seeing my reaction, he was immediately embarrassed,
but I explained that it was an interesting question, and
I would ponder it, and let him know.Growing Older, I decided,
is a gift.
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person
I have ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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love and marriage 2/1/2007
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him
keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi ...
1 Comments, 23 Views,
0 Votes
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BOB 1/30/2007
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows
up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-
old blonde
who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
\bsexo?\b appeal and charm.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his
every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first
chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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A Guy Walks Into a Bar 1/28/2007
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which
reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HANDJOB: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks
up to the
bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive
women
serving drinks to a meager looking group of men.
"Yes?" she ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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Federal Assistance 1/28/2007
An elderly woman walks into a convenience store and buys
some cat food. She puts the cat food on the counter and the
cashier tells her that because she is a senior citizen on
Federal assistance she has to bring in her cat to prove that
she owned one before she was allowed to pay for the cat food.
The lady was stunned but went home and got her cat and the
clerk sold her the cat food.
...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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ONE MORE TIME 1/26/2007
> One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the
what their fathers
did
> for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman,
mechanic,
> businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
>
> However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically
quiet, so when
the
> teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,
"My father's an
exotic
> dancer in a gay cabaret and ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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nuances 1/25/2007
Lovers of the English language will enjoy this......How
do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings
than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning,
why do we wake UP?
...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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one more time 1/25/2007
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet
Reno were having
one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're
lucky
that you don't have to put up with men having \bsexo?\b
with you. I have to put
up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his
pecker."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly,
doesn't mean I don't
have to ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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being happy 1/25/2007
I find today I am happy just haveing ladies as friends and
lovers. It is so cool to have a woman care for you because
you try and understand where she is coming from. It is so
cool to allow her to cry when she wants to.Yes I know love
will at some times find me, I won't be looking for it.
Donnijoe
1 Comments, 42 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
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The Test 1/24/2007
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I
had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me - her beautiful
younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two,
wore very tight mini-skirts, and was generally braless.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I
always got more than a ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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New Boots 1/24/2007
An elderly couple had been married for 30 years and never
took a vaction. At the husbands urging they went to Texas
for their first vacation.
The husband wanted to see the sights while the wife just
wanted to stay in the hotel room and read.
So he goes out by himself. As he walking through town he spots
a pair of Cowboy boots in a store window. He was so taken by
these ...
0 Comments, 44 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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what to do at 57, when you have done all that you could do 1/24/2007
you know I am not mad at anyone. I have lived my life as I saw
it. God has blessed me with beautiful ladies in my life.
Now here is the rub.I am tried of love, I don't want
to be in love.Now I know love has a way of seeking up on you.If
that happen so be it, but for now I want to have fun, FUN, FUN.I
want friendships companionship's is all.So here
it is,
1. companionship and friendship
...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Tips for a Redneck 1/24/2007
Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting
at them.
2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the
will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral
home.
***DINING ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
0 Votes
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Yard Work As Viewed From Heaven 1/22/2007
(overheard in a conversation between God and St. Francis):
God: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature; what
in the world is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened
to the
dandelions, violets, thistles and the stuff I started
eons ago?I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those
plants grow
in any type of soil, withstand drought, and multiply with ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Worth a read-agree or not 1/22/2007
Father- Talk
> >
> >
> >
> > A young woman was about to finish her first year
of college. Like so
> > many others her age, she considered herself to
be a very liberal
> > Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution
of
wealth.
> >
> >
> >
> > She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather
staunch
Republican,
> > a feeling she openly expressed. ...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Ol'e 1/22/2007
A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he told
his assistant "Ya Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow
and we don't want
to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care
of our patients". "Yes, sir..." answers
Ole
The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks:
"So Ole,
how was your day?
Ole tells him he ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Unclassified 1/21/2007
UNCLASSIFIED USMC SITE REPORT A U.S. Marine squad was marching
north of
Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly
injured and
unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American
Marine in a
similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious
and alert and as
first aid was given to both men. The squad leader asked the
injured
Marine what had happened. ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
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A good laugh 1/20/2007
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH...
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure ...
1 Comments, 29 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Senior Moment 1/17/2007
>>
>>
>> *It was entertainment night at the** **Senior*
*Center**
>>
>> Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm
here to put you into a trance; I
>> intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
>>
>> The excitement was almost electric as Claude
withdrew a beautiful
>> antique pocket watch from his coat "I want
you each to keep your eye
>> on this antique watch. ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Hope this clears up some things 1/2/2007
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed
that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto
a sheep and
cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is
a well-known
incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S.
Air Force and
the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March
1948,
...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
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Happy New Year 1/1/2007
My Wish for You in 2007
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal
your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet
of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline
and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell
of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you
across the face and may your tears be that of joy. ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
MARKETTING FOR WOMEN... 12/27/2006
MARKETING STRATEGIES.
DIRECT MARKETING............
The buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, women often ask for a simple explanation of the
various elements of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
*You're a woman and you see a very handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him, look him straight in the eyes, and say, "I'm
totally Hot and fantastic in ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
Wee wee Chu 12/24/2006
~~Wee wee Chu~~
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and
his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of
the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan
Cho said "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu."
"Oh no not now, lets look at the moon, " said
Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby lets you and I play Wee wee chu.
I love
you and it's ...
1 Comments, 56 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
Lawyers 12/20/2006
Why does the Law society prohibit \bsexo?\b between lawyers
and their ?
To prevent from being billed twice for essentially
the same service!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die !
What's the difference between a dead on the road
and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of ...
2 Comments, 53 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
The Elephant 12/17/2006
Mark and his wife took their young for his first visit
to the circus, and by chance, their seats were next to the
elephant pen. When Mark left to buy popcorn, the boy piped
up, "Mom!!! what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear, "
she replied.
"No, not that!!"
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath!!"
His mother blushed ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Christmas Tradition 12/12/2006
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves
did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel
the
pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her
Mother was
coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were
about to give birth and two others had ...
1 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Magic 12/11/2006
Okay ladies, if you could be either Bewitched or I dream
of Jeannie, what type of man would you make for yourself?
How would he look? What kinds of character would you give
this person? What would you have him do for you?
My Answer:
I would make a man:
Dark hair, blue eyes, nice smile, a loving heart, gentle,
kind, medium tall, his built average or ...
2 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
Worst First Date 12/11/2006
Worst First Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're
sitting down when
you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever,
first date or
not!
We have all had bad dates....but this takes the cake.
This just tells you
how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight
Show"
with Jay Leno. Jay went into ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
On The Sabbath 12/6/2006
A man wonders if having \bsexo?\b on the sabbath is a sin
as he is not sure if it is work or play.
So he goes to a priest and asks. The priest consults the
bible and after an exhausting search says ‘my , ’ ‘I
am positive \bsexo?\b is work and therefore not permitted’.
The man thinks, ' What does a priest know about \bsexo?\b'?
So he consults a minister. The ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
|
|
The Race 11/28/2006
Horses Racing Today....
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
Place Your Bets.
And they're off!
Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off ...
1 Comments, 34 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Packing 11/19/2006
This one is for everyone who ...
a) has , b) had , c) was a , d) knows a e) is going
to have
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point
she said, "Daddy, look at this, " and stuck
out two of her fingers.
T rying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny
fingers in my ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
Strange 11/13/2006
1000 people tell a joke.
1 guy says ROFLMAO.
Pretty funny, huh?
1 Comments, 94 Views,
3 Votes
|
|
Guts or Balls 11/10/2006
We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each
is listed below....
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the
guts to ask:
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying ...
0 Comments, 5 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Sunburned! 11/9/2006
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets
horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor
prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline
and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four
hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Elderly Couple 11/9/2006
An elderly couple had been married for 30 years and never
took a vaction. At the husbands urging they went to Texas
for their first vacation.
The husband wanted to see the sights while the wife just
wanted to stay in the hotel room and read.
So he goes out by himself. As he walking through town he spots
a pair of Cowboy boots in a store window. He was so taken by
these ...
1 Comments, 82 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
Med School 11/5/2006
A Medical School Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary
Muscular
>>Contractions" to his first year medical
students. Realizing that this was
>>not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood
>>slightly.
>>
>>
>> He pointed to a young woman in the front row and
said, "Do you know what
>> your a**hole is doing while you're having
an orgasm?"
...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
The big game hunter. 11/5/2006
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone
about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute
that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he
could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what
caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
|
The old lady and the bank president. 11/5/2006
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account
and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because,
she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the
is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the
president's office.
The president of the ...
1 Comments, 61 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
The Diet 11/5/2006
An extremely obese woman shows up at her doctor's office
crying and claims that she has tried every possible way
to lose weight, all to no avail. She continues to sob,
"My husband won't make love to me any more. My
friends make fun of me. Everywhere I go they tease me. I just
can't take it any more!"
The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet, ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
|
|
Abbott and Costello Discover Computers 11/5/2006
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello,
and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate
this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our
computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello
were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's
on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score
|
|
Newly weds 11/1/2006
When the newly wed couple retired to the bedroom, the groom
took off his pants and gave them to his new wife and told her
to put them on! She replied they don't fit. Remember
that!!! said the groom.
This inspired the wife to remove her pantties. She told
her husband to put them on. The husband replied that he could
not get into them. then his said, You won't ever get
into my ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
|
|
What's the difference 10/30/2006
A lovely little girl is entering class for the first time
when a friendly little boy approaches her.
"My name's Ted, " he says, "What's
yours?"
"Happy butt”, the little girl replies.
"I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!, "
the boy shouts.
He goes to the teacher and says ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
Be careful of what you ask for 10/25/2006
A man, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says
to his wife, "I feel horrible, I look fat, ugly and
out of
shape; Pay me a compliment."
The wife replies, "Your eyesight's damn near
perfect."
0 Comments, 36 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
It is hunting season 10/16/2006
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean
and serve the venison for supper. He knows his are fussy
eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he
does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's
for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his keeps asking
what they're eating.
...
2 Comments, 90 Views,
6 Votes
,0.80 Score
|
|
THE LAWS OF INCONVENIENCE 10/5/2006
Law of Mechanical Repair : After your hands become coated
with grease your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to
the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Did you kno... 10/5/2006
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
0 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
Van Gogh Family Tree 10/5/2006
His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------Verti
Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -------------------------Gotta
Gogh
Brother who worked at a convenience store ----------Stop
n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------------------U
Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ---------------------------Chica
Gogh
His magician uncle ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Gender ? Male or Female... 10/5/2006
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time
just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom
in pairs.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's
the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
The Putt 9/30/2006
A father, and grandson go out to the country club for
their
weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a
beautiful
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches
them. She
explains that the member who brought her to the club for
a round of
golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the
trio whether
she can join them.
Naturally, the ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Dogs letters to God 9/30/2006
Dear God,
Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell
one another?
Dear God,
When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
same old story?
Dear God,
Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not
ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around?
We ...
0 Comments, 3 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Where we can help 9/28/2006
Hi,
>
> This has been passed to me from a friend.
>
> Rules for the Non Military
> Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state
of
> affairs in our great
> nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to
> join the military.
> For those of you who can't join, you can still lend
> a hand. Here are a
> few of the areas where we would like your
> assistance:
> ...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
shocked, confused, bewildered 9/28/2006
I was shocked, confused, bewildered
as I entered Heaven's door,
Not by the beauty of it all,
Nor the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven
who made me sputter and gasp--
the thieves, the liars, the sinners,
the alcoholics, the trash
There stood the from seventh grade
Who swiped my lunch money twice.
Next to ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Careful how your ask for something 9/25/2006
> > Two priests died at the same time and met Saint
> Peter at the Pearly Gates.
> St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys
in now,
> but our computer is down.
> You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week,
> but you can't go back as
> priests. So what else would you like to be?"
> >
> > The first priest says, "I've always
wanted to be
> an eagle, soaring above ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
You KNOW 9/23/2006
Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...
"You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with
a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Grampa going on 9/23/2006
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and
the
lower cost of living, in particular.
"When I was a , my mom could send me to the store,
and
I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves
of bread,
and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar!
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore
because
they got those darn ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
The Angry Preacher 9/21/2006
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.
This is a horrible lie! A God fearing decent Christian community
cannot tolerate such slander. I am embarrassed and will
not accept this. Now I want the individual who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!'
No one moved. The preacher continued, ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Speedy 9/21/2006
Speedy Seniors...
>Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a
>State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 MPH. He thinks to
>himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as
a speeder!" So he turns on
>his lights and pulls the driver over.
>
>Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies -- two in
>the front seat and ...
2 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
Policeman's ball 9/21/2006
Policemen balls
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Central
Otago Cop
walked very close to her car window,
flipping open his ticket book. She pulled out $100 bill
and said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to
the Central Otago Police Ball".
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't
have balls."
...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Differences 9/21/2006
Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping
your authority.
When ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
What's in a name? 8/18/2006
A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look
on his face.
'Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm'?
'Because he was conceived during a mighty storm',
she said.
Then he asked 'Why is my sister named Cornflower'?
'Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made
her', she replied.
He then asked 'And why is my other sister called Moonchild'?
'We were ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
|
|
TWENTY DOLLARS 8/17/2006
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for
more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way
for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.
Arriving ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
|
|
Chinese Proverbs 8/16/2006
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
|
|
Women and Titties 8/16/2006
Women with big tits ...
..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
|
|
Know your spouse 8/15/2006
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It
is essential that husbands and wives know each other's
likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can
you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
1 Comments, 80 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
Worth another read 8/7/2006
Sometimes, when I look at my , I say to myself ~~"Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I
was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
Good Bars 8/4/2006
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They
are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice
place.
Then the Scotsman says, 'Aye, this is a nice bar, but
where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better
one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another
drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!'
The others agree that sounds like a good ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
THE GENIE 8/4/2006
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies
are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace
in the Middle East.
See this map?
I want these countries to stop fighting with ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Definately a woman's viewpoint 8/4/2006
Yes or no?
Doesn't this say it all?
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.
"Mum, " he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet, " she replied
0 Comments, 91 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Cannibal Restaurant 8/4/2006
A Cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon
a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat
hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why
such a price
difference for the politician?"
...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
A new kind of Mass 8/3/2006
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting
nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
Drunk joke 8/3/2006
A man walks into a bar and sees a $1000 bill taped to the mirror
behind the bar.
"What's the $1000 bill for?", he asks the
bartender.
"That's for anybody who can do 3 things, "
he says.
So the guy is drinking pretty heavily and he asks the bartender
what are the 3 things.
The bartender says, "See the bouncer over there?
He weighs 350 lbs, you have to knock him out ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
|
|
Santa 8/3/2006
A beautiful youngish girl wants to meet Santa Claus so she
puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives,
climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous
redhead, says in a sexy voice, "Oh Santa, please stay.
Keep the chill away."
Santa replies, "HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
|
|
Little Johnny 8/3/2006
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground
and go into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a"Passionate Embrace."
Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain
himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....
"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND..
...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
My last business trip 8/3/2006
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely
so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised
in phone booths when your calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling
herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the
photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful
long wavy ...
0 Comments, 44 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
Cruise disaster 8/3/2006
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were
faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise,
then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on
the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific
behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress.
"She flirted with ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
"OLD IS WHEN" 7/30/2006
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's
go upstairs and make love, " and you answer, "Honey, I
can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment
you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your
fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all
the wrinkles ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
|
|
Mister Cheap Date 7/21/2006
He asked me to meet him at a fast food restaurant so we could
get the senior rate for coffee. That was my first clue. Our
next date was at a library for an art show and appetizers.
The show was cancelled, a few pictures were there but no
food. Since we were already at the library, why not take
out some movies (free of charge) to watch. That evening
was dinner at his church....when they ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
|
|
... BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH 7/8/2006
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits
down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went
by your grandma 's house today and I saw her in the hallway
butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
Ethel in the Nursing Home 7/4/2006
Ethel in the Nursing Home
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to
charge
around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting
up to
maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic
the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined
in.
One day ...
5 Comments, 215 Views,
18 Votes
,6.67 Score
|
|
Best Toast Of The Night 6/30/2006
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of
the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
for the best toast of
the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending ...
6 Comments, 198 Views,
21 Votes
,6.22 Score
|
|
Lil' Johnny Part two 6/24/2006
He replies "Oh mom, that's too bad you lost it!
Well I'm goin out for awhile." Mom feels pretty
good about how she handled the situation and that it was
most likly behind her now. Two weeks later, as mom is in the
kitchen makin supper, she hears lil John runnin up the
street callin her. "Mommy, Mommy , Mommy"
As she meets him at the back door, she sees a very proud look
on his face as ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
|
|
Another Lil' Johnny Joke 6/24/2006
One afternoon lil Johnny walks into the bathroom where
his mother is taking her shower. She is some what startled
when he pulls the curtain back to say hello! He points between
her legs and asks "what's that mommy?"
Still in shock and now embarrased to boot, the only safe
thing she can come up with for an answer is "my sponge"
True to a lil boys form he says" wow that's a nice
one mom! ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
What ??? 6/21/2006
A man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they
took the afternoon off, went to her place and had sex all
afternoon. As he was getting dressed, he asked her to take
his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. She
did and he finished dressing and went home. When he got home
, his wife asked him where he had been. He said that he was
having an affair with his secretary ...
1 Comments, 93 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
|
|
Contrary Women and what men want??? 6/2/2006
“A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An
optimist is one who hopes they are.” Quotes by Pope
John Paul the Thirteenth
why is it that women brag about how good they are to impress
men who would prefer that they be bad, unless the men would
rather talk the women into being bad.
Life on life's terms is the great mystery.
4 Comments, 127 Views,
27 Votes
,0.72 Score
|
|
Tell me about Florida 5/15/2006
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see
us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take
I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and
we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: ...
1 Comments, 20 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
Guide to eating for bachelors 5/15/2006
This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...
1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the
surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white
or green growth areas are good indications that your bread
has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
2. CANNED GOODS: ...
1 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
Never take your husband/male friend shopping 5/15/2006
Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.
Letter:
Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your
family from ever shopping with us unless your husband
stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses
over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras.
...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
|
|
fight for dignity 4/22/2006
read it! please
1 Comments, 85 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Whitehouse Breakfast 3/30/2006
dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at
the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like,
and he replies,
"I'd
like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,
"How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. ...
5 Comments, 229 Views,
21 Votes
,5.97 Score
|
|
Chaos and the Dancing Star 3/29/2006
Anais Nin:
We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes
in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow
partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm,
childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle
and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present.
We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
9 Votes
,0.43 Score
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sPellCheck the sPeLL On yOu 3/29/2006
Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
improvised quote by Samual Clemmons
For example, in Year 1 that useless
letter "c" would be dropped to be relapsed either
by "k" or "s", and likewise "x"
would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only Jase in
which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might ...
1 Comments, 29 Views,
9 Votes
,0.65 Score
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nEw AnD ImprOved speLL chEckEr!!!! 3/29/2006
Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c"
would be dropped to be replased either by "k"
or "s", and likewise "x" would no
longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c"
would be retained would be the "ch" formation,
which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w"
spelling, so that "which" and "one"
would take ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
7 Votes
,1.00 Score
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The City and Country of Cyberland 3/26/2006
We can keep disagreeable folks out of our blogs and iggie
them in the chats - That must be the country in Cyblerland.
There are other areas where the city is predominant.
“In the country, if you had a mean neighbor, you could keep
off his land
and make him keep off yours. But in the city, all the foulness
and misery
and brutality of your neighbors was part of ...
1 Comments, 54 Views,
11 Votes
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All Things to All People" 3/26/2006
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated
beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would be Romeo,
asked, "What type of man attracts you?" "I've always been drawn to Native American men, "
she replied. "They're so in tune with nature."
"I see, " the man said, nodding.
"But then, I really go for Jewish men who put women
on a pedestal and I can hardly resist ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
10 Votes
,0.20 Score
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Keys! Keys! Where are the Keys! 3/25/2006
Have you ever done this! There is someplace that you absolutely
to be and misplace the keys.
1 Comments, 51 Views,
15 Votes
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Honeydoo List for Masculine Persons 3/23/2006
Man's Honey Do List
Make the beds-- Yeah Sure! It's only going to get messed
up again. Forget that one -
Mop kitchen floor-- Pour bacon grease on the floor and let
the clean the floor.
Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in
the snow.
Find something fun for the to do-- That tinfoil in the
microwave thing was Scratch eight !!!!!! ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
13 Votes
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Spotted Owls get Rich at the HoneyDoo Tavern 3/23/2006
There was a fundraiser for the spotted owls at the HoneyDoo
Tavern. It was an auction for a picnic by the river and a day
of romance with a masculine person for a . The males
showed up on the stage and danced an Irish Jig. They were
wearing shamrock speedo, a derby and a smile. They showed
off their masculine assets, soon the Spotted Owls were
rich and a good time was had by all.
1 Comments, 35 Views,
12 Votes
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The Honeydoo Tavern 3/23/2006
Revenge is the naked idol of the worship
of a semi-barbarous age. Percy Bysshe Shelley
A Better alternative is to dip those disagreeable arbitators
of discord in honey. Take them to the HoneyDoo Tavern - Serve
them green tea with cakes. Pour Honey all over them. Toss
them in a jar in the sunlight. Don't forget to slap on
the ...
1 Comments, 32 Views,
13 Votes
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Lauderdale County Facility, Turkey Guts, and Honey 3/22/2006
The Number One Man at the Lauderdale County Facility and
His Honey happily resides in their abode at the facility
for many years.
The only thing Honey objected to was himself's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake Honey and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
18 Votes
,0.53 Score
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