|
How to 10/7/2019
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only
needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
TAXI DRIVER IN HEAVEN 12/9/2017
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St.
Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter
to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling
alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
It could be you. 12/9/2017
$5.37. That's what the behind the counter at Taco
Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes
and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already
handed the a five-spot, I started to head back out to
the truck to grab some change when the with the Elmo hairdo
said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, "It's OK. ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
NEW CORVETTE CONVERTIBLE 12/9/2017
A FLORIDA SENIOR CITIZEN HAPPILY DROVE HIS BRAND NEW CORVETTE
CONVERTIBLE OUT OF THE DEALERSHIP....TAKING OFF DOWN
THE ROAD, HE FLOORED IT TO 80 MPH, ENJOYING THE WIND BLOWING
THROUGH WHAT LITTLE HAIR HE HAD LEFT.
"AMAZING, " HE THOUGHT AS HE FLEW DOWN I-95,
PUSHING THE PEDAL EVEN MORE. LOOKING IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR,
HE SAW A STATE TROOPER BEHIND HIM, LIGHTS FLASHING AND SIREN ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
Happiness 8/1/2017
The place to be happy is here.The time to be happy is now.The
way to be happy is to make other people happy.
1 Comments, 28 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
NOT TO BLAME 5/31/2017
An elderly farmer and his wife are relaxing on the front
stoep when the old woman reminds her husband that next week will mark
their golden wedding anniversary '"Let'"s have a party, dear"
she suggests. "Let"s slaughter a pig. The old-timer scratches his grizzled head "Gee I don*t know"he replies.I can"t
see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened 50 years ago.
0 Comments, 17 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Church humor 6/13/2016
=========== A father was approached by his small who told him proudly,
"I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?" The replied, "I do know!" "Okay, " said his father. "What does
the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy
replied excitedly, " It stands for 'Basic Information
Before Leaving Earth.'" (This one is ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
more laughter 6/13/2016
A man was removing two wheels from his car.A girl asked him:
what are you doing??Man: Can't you see the board, "Parking for two wheelers only"!!! _______
Teacher: Mack, come here, see the map and find South America.Mack:
Mam, Here it is..Teacher: Right, Good, Go to your seat.
Teacher: Students, now tell me who discovered South America, ?
Student: Miss, ,, ,, Mack .
Two cows are ...
2 Comments, 49 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
something to smile 10/1/2015
•A: yo momma so fat when she goes swimmin in the beach,
boats dock on her less •A:Yo momma so stupid, she got trapped in a grocerie store
and starved to death
Girl: Mom, i am in love with a guy..Mom shocked: How old is
the boy & what is he doing.Girl: 3 month kicking happily
in my stomach..
Man: What is a century like to you?God: It is like a short
second.Man: What is ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
|
|
locked her keys in the car 6/18/2014
> A woman was at work when she received a phone call that
her small > was very sick with a fever. > > > She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get
some medication. > > > She got back to her car and found that she had locked
her keys in the car. > > > She didn't know what to do, so she called home and
told the baby sitter what > had happened. > > > The baby sitter told her that the ...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score
|
|
History Exam 6/8/2013
At a history examination.
EXAMINER: "Mention an important event in 1564."
EXAMINEE (after thinking for a long time): "Shakespeare
was born."
EXAMNER: "Very well, and in 1574?"
EXAMINEE: "Let me think...ah, yes. I know. Shakespeare's
tenth birthday!"
1 Comments, 33 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
|
|
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! 12/7/2011
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a , adults used to bore me to tears With their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they
were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to
school every morning. Uphill... barefoot.... BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There
was no ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
Divorce versus Murder 11/23/2011
Divorce VS Murder ...
A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord
have mercy! I can't give ...
2 Comments, 79 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
|
|
FOR THOSE OF US WHO REMEMBER 6/23/2011
I REMEMBER……………
Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when
' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were
spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall
was the host asking the questions, of course.. I have to add this one in, I remember it so well! I laughed
most of the day and it kept popping into ...
3 Comments, 41 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Enjoy 6/23/2011
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd
done many times before. After she applied her lipstick
and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma,
you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will
probably never put lipstick on again without thinking
about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
Over the hill 11/13/2010
OVER THE HILL
You know you are over hill when ....
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and
discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and
you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
Getting older in Florida 5/3/2010
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita
Springs doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who
drives you to the beach?" ******************************** Three old ladies ...
0 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,6.10 Score
|
|
DID GOD MAKE ME? 4/14/2010
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she
asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me, " the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did
God make me too?"
"Yes, God made you, " the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying
her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in a ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
Another Irish Drinking Joke! 1/23/2010
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
<br>
pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back
to the bar and orders three more. The bartender
asks him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman
replies, ...
2 Comments, 2810 Views,
749 Votes
,6.63 Score
|
|
Which way do you want it? 8/31/2009
while searching and browsing new members and possible
matches, I noticed several members who were seeking a serious
relationship. the only thing i found kinda funny, was the
fact they wanted a woman/man (not gender prejudice here)
and a couple for a serious relationship. how exactly is
that done since you can't (or can you) have a serious
relationship with a couple. when we first signed up ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
|
|
Listen to what the little tykes say 7/6/2009
Each paragraph is a small vignette and out of the mouths
of "babes"! Never hurts to listen to what the
little tykes say!
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office,
a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat
there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should
make small talk with him, a little boy ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Inline-skating, for People Over 50 - Medic!! 6/25/2009
I had imagined this new adventure in a totally different
way. Although I knew that it was going to take some practice,
endurance, commitment and lots of ibuprofen. So my decision
was made to spend some hard-earned money on something that
had to have it's origins in mid-evil, torture chamber,
centuries ago, a pair of inline-skates.
Here's a simple description of an inline-skate, for ...
2 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Groaners 5/5/2009
Alcohol and calculus don't mix so don't drink
and derive.
“Why was the ink drop sad?
Because her dad was in the pen and she didn't know how
long the sentence would be!”
1 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Contrary Women and what men want??? 4/28/2009
“A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An
optimist is one who hopes they are.” Quotes by Pope
John Paul the Thirteenth
why is it that women brag about how good they are to impress
men who would prefer that they be bad, unless the men would
rather talk the women into being bad.
Life on life's terms is the great mystery.
4 Comments, 127 Views,
27 Votes
,0.72 Score
|
|
AND YOU EXPECTED WHAT? 4/8/2009
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before
he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I
finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!" ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
AP Government Class 4/4/2009
Natural Born Citizen
Since we now have a new president some political humor might
be in store. The following is a funny and true story occurring in an AP
Government class at Santa Fe High School .
In one civics class, the young adults were discussing the
qualifications to be president of the United States It is pretty simple. The
candidate must be a natural born citizen and at ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
HOUSEWORK'! 3/9/2009
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny
arrived home from work to find the bathed, one load of laundry
in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the
stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives
who work full-time and had to do their own housework were
too tired to have sex'.
The night went ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
Sorry about this! 3/6/2009
Notice:
Due to recent budget cuts, high unemployment and the rising
costs of food, electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions,
and the overall state of the union, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has
been turned off.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
0 Comments, 24 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS" 2/26/2009
PUNS
01. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 02. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 03. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
04. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
because it was a weapon of ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
IRS decides to audit Grandpa 2/24/2009
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up
with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain
by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
'2' for English 2/17/2009
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine And suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 2/9/2009
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach
a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move ...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
A Doctor was addressing a large audience: 2/2/2009
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks
corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm
caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that
is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
|
|
Tour 1/28/2009
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide
led them through the process of cheese making, explaining
that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely
hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These'
she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What
do you do in ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT....... 1/28/2009
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent
football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior
citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the
older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one, " the student said, loud enough for
many of those nearby to hear. "The young ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
PUN INTENDED 1/21/2009
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Gramps has his hands full 1/21/2009
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and
his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious
Gramps has his hands full with the screaming for candy in the candy
aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in
a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy,
boy.' ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
Perfect Diet 1/21/2009
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina
chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder and was
in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired
and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
What? 1/21/2009
A Jewish lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to bite
into her meal when she turns to the man sitting alone at the table next
to her.
'Pardon me, sir' she says. 'Your napkin has
fallen on the floor.
'Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know.
I'm blindt.'
He reaches down to find his napkin.
Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has spilled
any ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
NEW MEDS 1/17/2009
Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come
up with some great > new stuff to make life easier.
• St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
• Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were
as ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Hillbilly went hunting 1/16/2009
A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three
ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about
to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden
who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting
license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting
license.
The game warden looked at the ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Sunday Paper 1/16/2009
For all of us who are --- seniors ---
for all of you who know --- seniors ---
and for all of you who --- will be seniors ---
Sunday Paper . . . . .
'WHERE Is My SUNDAY PAPER?' The irate customer
calling
the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know
why
her Sunday edition had not yet ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
Whatever you give 1/16/2009
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
New movie project 1/16/2009
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and
Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly
desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars,
so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers
they wished to portray, as long as they were famous. ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
SERENITY 1/16/2009
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98, ' she
replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96, ' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
One of these days 1/7/2009
Q: What's the definition of optimism? A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday
evening. *** How do you start a small business these days? Simple, buy a big one and wait. *** The credit crunch is getting bad, isn't it? I mean,
I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it
turns out I'm now North Carolina's fourth biggest
lender. *** Q: What is the difference ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
A couple new add-ons to an old one 1/7/2009
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection
for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry
and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1, 000
miles to the gallon.'
...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Monastery in Europe 1/7/2009
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high
on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in
a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who
pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was
terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about
half-way ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
The store wasn't ready 1/6/2009
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't
ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior
is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what
we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious senior walked to the window, had a ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
A Kentucky Ghost Story 1/3/2009
> This happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro,
> Kentucky, a small town on the banks of the Ohio River.
While > it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's
indeed > real. > An out of state traveler was walking along the side
of the > road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a > thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went
by It was > raining so hard he could barely ...
1 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
The Mule and The Mother In Law 9/16/2008
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While
they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the
head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood
near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The
pastor noticed that ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
Celibacy 9/13/2008
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed
by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife
Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important
to each other.
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your
wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Need a good laugh 8/10/2008
If you need a good laugh, try reading through these 's
science exam answers
Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made
safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes
large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
|
|
Church 7/18/2008
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her and tell
him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,
'I'm not going.' 'Why not?' she asked. I'll give you two good reasons, ' he said. '(1),
they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons
why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!' ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
New Living Will Form 7/1/2008
New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial
means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't
pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it
or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running
up ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE 6/28/2008
DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE
I met this guy awhile ago, and he has A motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and
Live by these 4 rules : Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.
I was shaking my head 'No, but he then told me to listen
While he explained his four rules. So here they are :
1. DRINK from the 'springs of living water' every
day.
2. STEAL a ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
Touring Toronto 6/25/2008
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves
on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind
us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers
please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make
polite conversation while pouring the beers. 'Been on holiday
yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month, ' ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
Need to hunt 6/24/2008
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and
go hunting so he approached his assistant.
'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic.'
'I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of
all my patients.'
'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: 'So, Ole, how was your day?' ...
0 Comments, 18 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Retired project 6/19/2008
I've often been asked, 'What do you people do now that you're retired?'
Well, I have a friend who has a chemistry background and
one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon,
scotch, gin, vodka, and wine into urine.
And, by golly, we're pretty damn good at it!!
0 Comments, 18 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Chicken crossed the road 6/16/2008
Why did the chicken cross the road?
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE!
The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized
the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all
the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
THE HAIRDRYER MAKES IT THROUGH CUSTOMS 6/10/2008
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked
the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course my . What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic
hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened
and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Memories of My Ex 6/10/2008
Isn't it funny the things you remember about your marriage?
After sweating through the stress of divorce and coming
to grips with the fact that we both had something to do with
why the marriage did not last, I find myself remembering,
above all else, his funny quips.
Example: We are getting ready to go out. I say, "What am I going to do with my hair?" His
response, "Have you tried fire?" ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
52 years ago! 6/10/2008
>>>>> Comments made in the year 1955!
>>>>> That's only 52 years ago! > > >>>>> 'I'll tell you one thing,
if things keep going the way they are, it's >>>>> going to be impossible to buy a week's
groceries for $20.00.' > >>>>> 'Have you seen the new cars
coming out next year? It won't be long >>>>> before $2, 000.00 will only buy
a used one.' > >>>>> 'If cigarettes keep going
up in price, I'm ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Not a single 6/10/2008
A father, who worked away from home all week, always made
a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he
would take his 7-year old out for a drive in the car for some bonding
time. One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really
didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue
and said that she would take their out. When they ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
Why I Hate Ironing 6/10/2008
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The
doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered,
" I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead
of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron
and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" The dod tor exclaimed in disbelief,
"But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
Religious Differences 6/10/2008
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one
Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming
from the other direction.
'Hello', said the little boy
'Hi, ' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm
on my way ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
Two old guys 6/10/2008
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
park
bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even
short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's
stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every
day. It
keeps your ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
|
|
Car Trouble 6/10/2008
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My
car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even
fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange
sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next
morning, he asks the monks ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST 6/10/2008
THE PSYCHIATRIST AND THE PROCTOLOGIST
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, "Hysterias and Posteriors."
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy
the council, they changed the ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Sally with a smile 6/10/2008
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her
face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to
say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really
small, was it?'
Sally replied, 'No... salty!'
Mom fainted
0 Comments, 44 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
From the farm pond 6/10/2008
An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man
kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht.
Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."
(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows
have crapped in it") The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim,
I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English.
If you can't speak in the ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
$50.00 IS $50.00 6/10/2008
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY
YEAR. EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, 'ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN
THAT HELICOPTER.' ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, 'I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.'
FEW YEARS LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR. MORRIS
SAID, 'ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THATÂ HELICOPTER
NOW, I MIGHT ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Thoughts 6/10/2008
Thought 1 # When we are born, our mother's get the compliments.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the
publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
# Thought 2 # The average man's life consists of: Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too. ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Having a baby 6/10/2008
OLE 'N LENA HAVE A BABY
Lena is pregnant with Ole's . Late one night,
Lena vakes Ole and says, 'I tink it's time!'
So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the
hospital to have their first baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and
said, 'A ! Ain't dat great!' Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke
up and said, Hold on! ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
BIRTHDAY REMINDER 6/10/2008
----- BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky
turned 34.
Can you believe it?! It seems like only yesterday she was
crawling around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
0 Comments, 25 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Response 6/10/2008
A couple made a deal that who ever died first would come back
and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that
there was no afterlife.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to
die. True to his word he made contact. "Connie....Connie."
"Is that you, Joe?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's
wonderful! What's it like?"
...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
This is funny 6/10/2008
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and invite everyone
to the wedding. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception
was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry,
we don't serve extension cords in here." The
jumper cable says, "Hey, I'm not an extension
cord, I'm a jumper cable!" The bartender says,
"OK, I'll serve you, but don't start ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
SENIOR TRAVELERS 6/10/2008
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and
an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters
showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking
in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called
them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you
could never hope to ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Boudreaux N Thibodeaux 6/10/2008
Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church, and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read: *'Da End is Near! Turn You self Around Now! Before It's Too Late!'*
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious ...
1 Comments, 30 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
A wee bit about me 6/10/2008
^I`m 6ft 1 tall weigh around 88 kg, full head of white hair,
attend gym around 3 times a week, -------not a fitness freak-----and
live alone. Looking for a mate with keen sense of humor, ---
and not too narrow minded, though possessing qualities
we dont see in this day and age. Easy going guy , so if you are
serious, ------ contact me. Regardz Smithy40.
0 Comments, 23 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
|
A wee bit about me 6/10/2008
^I`m 6ft 1 tall weigh around 88 kg, full head of white hair,
attend gym around 3 times a week, -------not a fitness freak-----and
live alone. Looking for a mate with keen sense of humor, ---
and not too narrow minded, though possessing qualities
we dont see in this day and age. Easy going guy , so if you are
serious, ------ contact me. Regardz Smithy40.
1 Comments, 40 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
|
|
Old Fairy Tale Revisited 6/10/2008
One day, long, long ago....... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But this was a long time ago.......
and it was just that one day.
The End
2 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
The Mule, the Monkey & The Man 5/18/2008
I read this somewhere, and I think it's good to share
the laughs 
The Mule, the Monkey & The Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule.
You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence.
You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years
is too much. ...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
**Soulmates In Cyber Space** 3/25/2008
This was written in a frustrated moment by a friend of mine
who used to be a member of SFF. She no longer frequents the
site, but she left me this poem to ponder over after having
had many men lie and fabricate stories to her ........
However, we are fully aware that this can also happen both
ways, so any male out there who wishes to put his two bob's
worth in, feel free..........(smiling) ...
0 Comments, 129 Views,
28 Votes
,7.04 Score
|
|
It's all in the way you look at it..... 1/15/2008
1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shouts from the back seat, "Mom! That
lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note ...
2 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Security 1/15/2008
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used
size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
& Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more
ammunition. Back in an hour. ...
1 Comments, 45 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
Watch for the signs 1/15/2008
It had rained for days over his property.As flood waters
threatened the Police offered to drive him to a shelter.
He refused Saying "My God will save me. Later, as floods
surrounded his cottage, the man moved to the first floor.
A boat man risked life and limb to rescue him, but his reply
to the invitation to "Jump!" was, "No!
Go away, my God will save me". He simillarly refused
a lift in a ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
KILLER BISCUITS 1/15/2008
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual
AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting
her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back
of her head.
One customer who ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
Dear Abby 1/15/2008
The problems mounted so a letter had to be written………………..
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but
if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with "the girls" a lot recently ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
MOSES 1/15/2008
Recently, while going through an airport during one of
his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long
gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding
a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has
anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man
didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just ...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
|
|
GOOD OLD JOKES 1/15/2008
BUT, I'm not implying that you're OLD !!!
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family ...
2 Comments, 72 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
|
... BEST DRUNK STORY OF THE MONTH 11/25/2007
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits
down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went
by your grandma 's house today and I saw her in the hallway
butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
Upset Golfer 10/25/2007
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match
with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy!
I'd give anything to sink this putt, " the golfer
mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your
sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
lost my wallet 8/31/2007
A guy named Moe, traveling through Mexico on vacation,
lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by a U.S. Customs Agent
at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks
the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet, " replies
Moe.
"Sure buddy. I hear that every day. No ID, no entry, " ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
Evolution in Teaching Math Since the 1950s 8/31/2007
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells ...
1 Comments, 63 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Groaner 8/30/2007
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he approached his assistant.
'George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: 'So, George, how was your day?' ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
|
Moaner 8/30/2007
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make
such an obvious error, he replied,
...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
IF Their Mothers were Jewish 8/20/2007
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money
your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't
care what you've discovered, you didn't call,
you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you
paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other
? Do you know how hard it is to get that ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Right On 8/9/2007
A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
included 20 Admirals from the US, English, Canadian, Australian
and French Navies.
At a reception, he found himself standing with a huge group
of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their
drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
Strange 8/5/2007
1000 people tell a joke.
1 guy says ROFLMAO.
Pretty funny, huh?
1 Comments, 94 Views,
3 Votes
|
|
Understanding Women 7/16/2007
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said out loud, Lord, grant me one wish.suddenly
the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man
said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want to".
The Lord said, Your ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 7/16/2007
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
|
Did you kno... 7/14/2007
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
0 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
Gender ? Male or Female... 7/14/2007
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time
just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom
in pairs.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it...and, of course, there's
the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
It is hunting season 7/13/2007
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean
and serve the venison for supper. He knows his are fussy
eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he
does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's
for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his keeps asking
what they're eating.
...
2 Comments, 90 Views,
6 Votes
,0.80 Score
|
|
Duties 7/10/2007
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they
had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Iowa. He told her that
she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple
days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and
dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a Woman from Minnesota. He had
given his wife ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
Guardian Angel on the Job 7/10/2007
This is worth sharing the giggles too 
Guardian Angel on the Job
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall
down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was
going to cross the ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
Three Arkansas Surgeons 7/8/2007
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries > they had performed. > > One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in
Arkansas . In my favorite > case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident,
I reattached > them, > and 8 months later he performed a private concert for
the Queen of England. > > The second surgeon said. "That's nothing.
A young man lost an ...
3 Comments, 60 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
|
|
Second time around 7/7/2007
Jim was in his early 50s, retired from the Marine Corps,
and started a second career. However, he just couldn't
seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, real sharp, so his boss was in a quandary
about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day the boss called him into the office for
a talk. "Jim, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,
you ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly 7/7/2007
A woman walked into the kitchen
to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females, " he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
|
|
Never take your husband/male friend shopping 7/6/2007
Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.
Letter:
Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your
family from ever shopping with us unless your husband
stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses
over the past few months all verified by our
surveillance cameras.
...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
|
|
The Putt 7/5/2007
A father, and grandson go out to the country club for
their
weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a
beautiful
young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches
them. She
explains that the member who brought her to the club for
a round of
golf had an emergency which called him away and asks the
trio whether
she can join them.
Naturally, the ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Where we can help 7/5/2007
Hi,
>
> This has been passed to me from a friend.
>
> Rules for the Non Military
> Dear Civilians, "We know that the current state
of
> affairs in our great
> nation has many civilians up in arms and excited to
> join the military.
> For those of you who can't join, you can still lend
> a hand. Here are a
> few of the areas where we would like your
> assistance:
> ...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
The Frog Wants $$$$$$$ 7/5/2007
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia
Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan
to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30, 000." The teller asks his
name and the frog says that his name ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
18 Votes
,1.08 Score
|
|
OOOPS 6/12/2007
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had \bsexo?\b before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his ...
1 Comments, 1313 Views,
100 Votes
,6.64 Score
|
|
Marketing 5/27/2007
Grocery store music -- Surround Sound >The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic
water mister to keep >the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, > >you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell
of fresh rain. > >When you approach the milk cases, >you hear cows mooing > > >and witness the scent of fresh hay. > >When you approach the egg case, >you hear hens cluck and cackle > > ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Recipe 5/24/2007
A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when
he notices his friend is very well endowed.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.
"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work
for it."
"What do you mean?" Jim asked.
"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent
an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds
crazy but it actually ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
Lady walks into a Pharmacy 5/23/2007
A nice, calm & respectable woman went into a pharmacy,
looked the Pharmacist straight into his eyes & said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need
cyanide?"
The woman replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big & he exclaimed,
"Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
Real Compassion 5/17/2007
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation
with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
How To Shower Like A Woman/Man 5/17/2007
How To Shower Like a Woman: Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental
note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
|
|
Tell me this won't happen to us 5/11/2007
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES: >> >>An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone
to report that her car >>has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation
to >>the dispatcher: "They've stolen the
stereo, the steering wheel, the >>brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
she cried. >> >>The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer
is on the way." >> >>A few minutes later, ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Guy Rules 5/4/2007
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are ...
1 Comments, 50 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
Wishes 4/10/2007
Three Guys & a Genie
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an
American engineer are walking together one day. They come across
a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is
three wishes total" says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,
and my will also farm. I want the land to be forever ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
|
Texas Cowboy 4/1/2007
A Texas cowboy read in the paper that Alaska had become a
state making Texas the second biggest state. He became
so upset being a resident of the second biggest state that
he went to Alaska to see how he could become an official resident
of Alaska. He walked into the first bar he found and announced that
he was ashamed of being a resident of the second biggest
state. “I want to ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Exercise is Important 3/27/2007
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate
exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain
cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first,
then do more repetitions as you become more proficient
and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some. Always consult your doctor before starting ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Sixties Stars revisted 3/21/2007
> It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of
the artists >of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics
to accommodate aging >baby boomers. They include: > > Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got
a Lovely Walker > Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
> The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip > Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
> Roberta ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
The twelve cats of Christmas 3/13/2007
THE TWELVE CATS OF CHRISTMAS
<br>
<br>
The Twelve Cats of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree
My 12 cats were laughing at me.
<br>
On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
<br>
On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
3 missing Wise Men
...
1 Comments, 418 Views,
129 Votes
,3.46 Score
|
|
Two sides to every story 3/10/2007
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing
wife.
Tearfully she explained, It's the druggist. He insulted
me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple
times before he would even answer the phone.
Immediately, the husband drove downtown toconfront the
druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
told ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
The earth quake .....? 3/10/2007
One day, a person walking along the street, suddenly, had
tumbled.After got up, walked two stepps far, also tumbled
.Thereupon, he very quickly got up. But, resembled it's
the same as God cracks a joke with him, walked two steps,
he tumbled on the ground , again and again.so he was crawling
on the ground. The second person saw the first person crawlling on the
ground, was very strange, he ...
1 Comments, 33 Views,
3 Votes
,0.49 Score
|
|
Senior Dating 3/5/2007
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are
talking.
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for
a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted
to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a
fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Nice Pigs 2/24/2007
RAZORBACKS
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs these Are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
JEWISH HUMOR 2/19/2007
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel
at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up,
placed his blanket
on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with
him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you, " he responded, and turned
back to his book.
...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
BOB 2/5/2007
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows
up at the Country
Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-
old blonde
who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful
\bsexo?\b appeal and charm.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his
every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first
chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
love and marriage 2/3/2007
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him
keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi ...
1 Comments, 23 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Wee wee Chu 1/31/2007
~~Wee wee Chu~~
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and
his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of
the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan
Cho said "Hey baby, lets play Wee wee chu."
"Oh no not now, lets look at the moon, " said
Jung Lee.
"Oh c'mon baby lets you and I play Wee wee chu.
I love
you and it's ...
1 Comments, 56 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
being happy 1/28/2007
I find today I am happy just haveing ladies as friends and
lovers. It is so cool to have a woman care for you because
you try and understand where she is coming from. It is so
cool to allow her to cry when she wants to.Yes I know love
will at some times find me, I won't be looking for it.
Donnijoe
1 Comments, 42 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
|
|
nuances 1/28/2007
Lovers of the English language will enjoy this......How
do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings
than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning,
why do we wake UP?
...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
A good laugh 1/21/2007
EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH...
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus
was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure ...
1 Comments, 29 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
Newly weds 1/8/2007
When the newly wed couple retired to the bedroom, the groom
took off his pants and gave them to his new wife and told her
to put them on! She replied they don't fit. Remember
that!!! said the groom.
This inspired the wife to remove her pantties. She told
her husband to put them on. The husband replied that he could
not get into them. then his said, You won't ever get
into my ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
|
|
GreyBeard Is Pumpkin Nog for the Soul 12/28/2006
Greybeard is the King in Waiting patiently for his throne.
I usually vote for Homeboy. My computer would not let me
vote every twenty-four hours - but whenever I keep voting
for Homeboy, I did so. I even went to the library so that I
could keep voting for Homeboy. I admire his style.
<br>
Nevertheless, the more I inquire about Greybeard, the
more I am convinced ...
3 Comments, 117 Views,
17 Votes
,0.01 Score
|
|
Deer Hunter gets his Just Deserts 12/28/2006
Of course, there is the story of the deer hunter gets up early,
dresses quietly and packs his lunch He puts on his long johns
and camouflage duds. He grabs his gun and starts to warm
up his pick-up truck in anticipation of heading down to
his favorite hunting area.
<br>
Suddenly the rain starts pouring down, It is a torrential
downpour with snow mixed up in the rain. ...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
15 Votes
,0.68 Score
|
|
Grey and His Two Bells - Astrological Compatibility 12/28/2006
A Wise Woman gave me a positively wicked idea. She suggested
that I do a compatibilty chart between Grey and the Bell.
I wasn't sure which one so I utililzed both Bells and
did a Tri-Compatibility Chart. I will put a disclaimer
because without birth times, the houses cannot be accurate
but it does provide a scenerio and lots of humor.
<br>
Grey is a Gemini - A Mutable Sign. ...
6 Comments, 168 Views,
17 Votes
,0.01 Score
|
|
Wicked Things to Do With Food 12/28/2006
If you are out on a romatice stroll - buy an ice cream cone,
bite off the end and slip it over his finger. take your time
nibbling and licking until he's .....
<br>
Use ice-cream topping to write numbers on each other
<br>
pop a mouthful of frozen berries or tropical fruits in your
mouth instead. They taste great and are a lot easier to hold
in your mouth while....... ...
1 Comments, 177 Views,
18 Votes
,1.35 Score
|
|
The Adventures of Sushi 12/28/2006
Sushi is Raw Fish
Raw Fish is used for bait
<br>
Ginger is a Spice
Wasabi is Heat
Soy mellows it out
<br>
To attract a mate -
Eat Sushi topped wih Ginger
Dipped in Wasabi and
covered with Soy
<br>
Masculine Splender unless you perfer the other Gender
Heated Passion Mellows Out. It's all good
3 Comments, 141 Views,
33 Votes
|
|
After Whoopee Comments & Astrology 12/28/2006
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
<br>
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
<br>
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
<br>
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
<br>
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
<br>
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
<br>
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
<br>
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
12 Votes
,0.15 Score
|
|
Ides of March - Hasta La Vista Julius C.... 12/27/2006
Shakespeare made famous this ancient Roman date–the Ides
of March. Beware of the Ides of March - The Soothsayer Told
Mr. Ceasar who didn't listen and met his demise that
day.
Also At on the Ides of March the ancient Romans celebrated
the festival of Anna
Perenna, Roman goddess of the New Year. Anna Perrena is
a derivatie of the words "annual" and "perennial."
In Roman ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
16 Votes
|
|
The #1 with his #1 Fan at the Honey Doo Tavern 12/27/2006
The
Number One Fan of the Number One Man from Tennessee man a
wild date, He needed $$$$$$ fast so make some $18 bills with
his computer morph program. He decided the best place to
pass off his phony would be at the Jumping Branch Tavern
in Fort Pillow, Tennessee off of Prison Road. So, he got
into his new wheels and off he went ...
7 Comments, 338 Views,
28 Votes
|
|
You know your from ALASKA when.... 12/27/2006
You know your from ALASKA when....
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- alaska Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
31 Votes
|
|
Educational Opportunities for the Male Gender 12/27/2006
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their
contents,
each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with
slide
presentation.
Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders?
Roundtable discussion.
Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of
lifting the ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
14 Votes
|
|
The Argument -The Woman is Always Right!!!! 12/27/2006
A man and woman were involved in a petty argument, both of
them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong, " the woman
told the man in a con-ciliatory attempt, "if you'll
admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong, " she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
20 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
Lauderdale County Facility, Turkey Guts, and Honey 12/27/2006
The Number One Man at the Lauderdale County Facility and
His Honey happily resides in their abode at the facility
for many years.
The only thing Honey objected to was himself's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake Honey and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
18 Votes
,0.53 Score
|
|
The Honeydoo Tavern 12/27/2006
Revenge is the naked idol of the worship
of a semi-barbarous age. Percy Bysshe Shelley
A Better alternative is to dip those disagreeable arbitators
of discord in honey. Take them to the HoneyDoo Tavern - Serve
them green tea with cakes. Pour Honey all over them. Toss
them in a jar in the sunlight. Don't forget to slap on
the ...
1 Comments, 32 Views,
13 Votes
|
|
Spotted Owls get Rich at the HoneyDoo Tavern 12/27/2006
There was a fundraiser for the spotted owls at the HoneyDoo
Tavern. It was an auction for a picnic by the river and a day
of romance with a masculine person for a . The males
showed up on the stage and danced an Irish Jig. They were
wearing shamrock speedo, a derby and a smile. They showed
off their masculine assets, soon the Spotted Owls were
rich and a good time was had by all.
1 Comments, 35 Views,
12 Votes
|
|
Honeydoo List for Masculine Persons 12/27/2006
Man's Honey Do List
Make the beds-- Yeah Sure! It's only going to get messed
up again. Forget that one -
Mop kitchen floor-- Pour bacon grease on the floor and let
the clean the floor.
Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in
the snow.
Find something fun for the to do-- That tinfoil in the
microwave thing was Scratch eight !!!!!! ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
13 Votes
|
|
Keys! Keys! Where are the Keys! 12/27/2006
Have you ever done this! There is someplace that you absolutely
to be and misplace the keys.
1 Comments, 51 Views,
15 Votes
|
|
All Things to All People" 12/27/2006
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated
beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would be Romeo,
asked, "What type of man attracts you?" "I've always been drawn to Native American men, "
she replied. "They're so in tune with nature."
"I see, " the man said, nodding.
"But then, I really go for Jewish men who put women
on a pedestal and I can hardly resist ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
10 Votes
,0.20 Score
|
|
The City and Country of Cyberland 12/27/2006
We can keep disagreeable folks out of our blogs and iggie
them in the chats - That must be the country in Cyblerland.
There are other areas where the city is predominant.
“In the country, if you had a mean neighbor, you could keep
off his land
and make him keep off yours. But in the city, all the foulness
and misery
and brutality of your neighbors was part of ...
1 Comments, 54 Views,
11 Votes
|
|
The Affair! 12/27/2006
The Affair
<br>
<br>
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward,
she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife
to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go
to Italy and have the baby there.
<br>
<br>
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"
she asked.
<br>
<br>
"Just send me a ...
4 Comments, 1072 Views,
128 Votes
,6.45 Score
|
|
The blonde and the Coke Machine 12/27/2006
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda
machine and she arrived there just before a business man
coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put
in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet
Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed
on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar
and ...
2 Comments, 473 Views,
39 Votes
,4.54 Score
|
|
The new Pastor 12/27/2006
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,
but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore,
he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"
on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday,
he found that his card had been returned. Added to it ...
7 Comments, 1289 Views,
169 Votes
,6.56 Score
|
|
Are women good or what?? 12/27/2006
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents
<br>
began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We
know what a Porsche costs."
Well, " said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
dollars."
...
2 Comments, 1207 Views,
134 Votes
,6.89 Score
|
|
Friday! I'm Fishing 12/27/2006
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of
marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and
the wife goes
into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in
the 15 years
they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
<br>
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces
the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts
up and ...
3 Comments, 172 Views,
12 Votes
,6.33 Score
|
|
You Can't Please Everyone 12/27/2006
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy
rode on the
donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they
passed some people
who
remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the
boy was riding.
The
man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed
positions.
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Later, they passed ...
5 Comments, 178 Views,
12 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
Talking Dog 12/27/2006
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a house: "Talking For Sale." He
rings the bell and the
owner tells him the is in the backyard.The guy goes into
the
backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
<br>
"You talk?" he asks.
<br>
"Yes, I do, " the Lab replies.
<br>
"So, what's ...
9 Comments, 569 Views,
64 Votes
,7.96 Score
|
|
Quick Thinking ! LOL 12/27/2006
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads
of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager
about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he ...
6 Comments, 210 Views,
12 Votes
,5.98 Score
|
|
Whitehouse Breakfast 12/27/2006
dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at
the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like,
and he replies,
"I'd
like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin,
"How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. ...
5 Comments, 229 Views,
21 Votes
,5.97 Score
|
|
Best Toast Of The Night 12/27/2006
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of
the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
for the best toast of
the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending ...
6 Comments, 198 Views,
21 Votes
,6.22 Score
|
|
Ethel in the Nursing Home 12/27/2006
Ethel in the Nursing Home
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to
charge
around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting
up to
maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic
the other
residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined
in.
One day ...
5 Comments, 215 Views,
18 Votes
,6.67 Score
|
|
nEw AnD ImprOved speLL chEckEr!!!! 12/27/2006
Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c"
would be dropped to be replased either by "k"
or "s", and likewise "x" would no
longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c"
would be retained would be the "ch" formation,
which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w"
spelling, so that "which" and "one"
would take ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
7 Votes
,1.00 Score
|
|
sPellCheck the sPeLL On yOu 12/27/2006
Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
improvised quote by Samual Clemmons
For example, in Year 1 that useless
letter "c" would be dropped to be relapsed either
by "k" or "s", and likewise "x"
would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only Jase in
which "c" would be retained would be the "ch"
formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might ...
1 Comments, 29 Views,
9 Votes
,0.65 Score
|
|
Chaos and the Dancing Star 12/27/2006
Anais Nin:
We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes
in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow
partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm,
childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle
and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present.
We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.
...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
9 Votes
,0.43 Score
|
|
Elderly Couple 12/23/2006
An elderly couple had been married for 30 years and never
took a vaction. At the husbands urging they went to Texas
for their first vacation.
The husband wanted to see the sights while the wife just
wanted to stay in the hotel room and read.
So he goes out by himself. As he walking through town he spots
a pair of Cowboy boots in a store window. He was so taken by
these ...
1 Comments, 82 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
Sunburned! 12/23/2006
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets
horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly
admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.
He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor
prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline
and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four
hours.
The nurse, rather astounded, ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Packing 12/23/2006
This one is for everyone who ...
a) has , b) had , c) was a , d) knows a e) is going
to have
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point
she said, "Daddy, look at this, " and stuck
out two of her fingers.
T rying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny
fingers in my ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
The Race 12/23/2006
Horses Racing Today....
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Smooth Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry Cherry
Place Your Bets.
And they're off!
Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off ...
1 Comments, 34 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
On The Sabbath 12/23/2006
A man wonders if having \bsexo?\b on the sabbath is a sin
as he is not sure if it is work or play.
So he goes to a priest and asks. The priest consults the
bible and after an exhausting search says ‘my , ’ ‘I
am positive \bsexo?\b is work and therefore not permitted’.
The man thinks, ' What does a priest know about \bsexo?\b'?
So he consults a minister. The ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
|
|
Worst First Date 12/23/2006
Worst First Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're
sitting down when
you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever,
first date or
not!
We have all had bad dates....but this takes the cake.
This just tells you
how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight
Show"
with Jay Leno. Jay went into ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
Magic 12/23/2006
Okay ladies, if you could be either Bewitched or I dream
of Jeannie, what type of man would you make for yourself?
How would he look? What kinds of character would you give
this person? What would you have him do for you?
My Answer:
I would make a man:
Dark hair, blue eyes, nice smile, a loving heart, gentle,
kind, medium tall, his built average or ...
2 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
Christmas Tradition 12/23/2006
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves
did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel
the
pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her
Mother was
coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were
about to give birth and two others had ...
1 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Lawyers 12/23/2006
Why does the Law society prohibit \bsexo?\b between lawyers
and their ?
To prevent from being billed twice for essentially
the same service!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die !
What's the difference between a dead on the road
and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of ...
2 Comments, 53 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
It All Adds Up... 11/13/2006
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You
must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer
I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you
want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years
and I'll give back the other ...
3 Comments, 2073 Views,
752 Votes
,7.53 Score
|
|
What's the difference 11/8/2006
A lovely little girl is entering class for the first time
when a friendly little boy approaches her.
"My name's Ted, " he says, "What's
yours?"
"Happy butt”, the little girl replies.
"I'm going to tell the teacher on you for lying!, "
the boy shouts.
He goes to the teacher and says ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
The old lady and the bank president. 11/5/2006
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning
with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account
and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because,
she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the
is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the
president's office.
The president of the ...
1 Comments, 61 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
Speedy 10/23/2006
Speedy Seniors...
>Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a
>State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at
22 MPH. He thinks to
>himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as
a speeder!" So he turns on
>his lights and pulls the driver over.
>
>Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies -- two in
>the front seat and ...
2 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
TWENTY DOLLARS 10/2/2006
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her
new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for
more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way
for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.
Arriving ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
|
|
Know your spouse 8/26/2006
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It
is essential that husbands and wives know each other's
likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can
you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"
1 Comments, 80 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
Definately a woman's viewpoint 8/23/2006
Yes or no?
Doesn't this say it all?
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while
taking a bath.
"Mum, " he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet, " she replied
0 Comments, 91 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Worth another read 8/18/2006
Sometimes, when I look at my , I say to myself ~~"Lillian,
you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I
was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
"No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
Chivalry Never Dies... 7/5/2006
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted
to talk.
"You use to hold my hand when we were courting, "
said the wife. Wearily, the husband reached across, held
her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said "Then you used ...
1 Comments, 2778 Views,
525 Votes
,6.61 Score
|
|
Guide to eating for bachelors 7/4/2006
This is the ultimate guide to good food eating for bachelors...
1. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the
surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white
or green growth areas are good indications that your bread
has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
2. CANNED GOODS: ...
1 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
Tell me about Florida 7/4/2006
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see
us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take
I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and
we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: ...
1 Comments, 20 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
fight for dignity 7/4/2006
read it! please
1 Comments, 85 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Now this did make me giggle... 7/4/2006
An elderly couple was attending church services. About
halfway through she leans over and says, "I just let
a silent wind, what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
2 Comments, 69 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
|
what is a true blue relationship for women 7/4/2006
men do all the cooking, spend their money only, do all the
romancing...what???
4 Comments, 64 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
Forrest Gump dies.... 7/4/2006
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However,
the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly
good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell
you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've
been administering an entrance examination ...
2 Comments, 406 Views,
52 Votes
,6.79 Score
|
|
The Perfect Prescription for all..... 7/4/2006
Trust me, this worked for me. Read all about this! I totally
recommend this product!
Ask your doctor or pharmacist
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered
yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the ...
1 Comments, 81 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
|
|
Well, we all have a Love/Hate relationship with computers 7/4/2006
Dear Ms. _____________,
<br>
This correspondence is in response to your fervent prayers
of last week. We do want you to know that all were received,
heard, discussed, and reviewed. Heaven is sympathetic
to your demise, regarding your hard drive and tower. We
also appreciate your initiative to solve this earthly
problem on your own. God does appreciate those who help ...
2 Comments, 107 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
I do't want to end up like that! 7/4/2006
A retired couple visit an ailing friend in a nursing home.
The older man had declined to a point of not recognizing
the couple.
<br>
Later that afternoon the older couple were sitting in their
living room when the man says to his wife, "Honey I
am telling you now whatever happens to me in this life, do
what you have to but don't let just sit around in a vegetative
state like ...
2 Comments, 81 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
92 year old stud 7/4/2006
One day, a 92 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual
check up. He brags to the Dr. about having a 19 year old wife
who is with . "What do ya think about that?, Doc."
he boasted.
<br>
The doc thought for a moment and said "You remind me
of another patient I have. He is in his late 80's and
never misses opening day of pheasant hunting with his buddies.
One fall day he ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score
|
|
Penguins, Midget Nuns, Seven Dwarfs and the Pope 7/4/2006
The 7 Dwarfs made a visit to the Pope in Rome. Grumpy asked:
"Your Holiness, are there any midget nuns in Italy?"
The Pope said, " none at all." "Your Holiness,
are there any midget nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope answered "none at all". Happy then
turned to Dopey and said: "You see, you screwed a penguin,
not a midget nun." 
1 Comments, 95 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
|
|
open and honest 7/4/2006
First time you meet someone, you should apply humour, sensuality,
and seriousness. One needs to know right away what the other
is like.. Then there won"t be anything to wonder about
and you should have a good idea if you could like that person..
Then each one will have a sense of who they will be dealing
with, and if you want to go out togher again.
tell the other if you got that ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
ladies beware 7/4/2006
Just heard on the news today that if you marry a devil's
, you will have a devil's father-in-law.. Now
take this which ever way you want, but we should be very careful,
I would think. thankyou
1 Comments, 69 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
winning at love 7/4/2006
To love someone is the most commonest thing in the world.
It has been around for generations and generations, now,
and noone has really grown tired of it.
To win at love can be A very sacred, cherishable, honoured
thing, one has ever done. fOR two people to have that special
feeling for someone, thats what you call "winning
at love"
1 Comments, 93 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
TOMORROW, BUT ONLY TOMORROW! 7/4/2006
I very happy:
-NOW...I am with my really love....Live in USA, but...he
speak to me that all time meet with me.
-When?
-Tomorrow.
Answer to me always! tomorrow is the today.called of phone:
-hello..you are in airport?
-My dear, my love, now only, tomorrow..
5 MONTHS OF TOMORROW! NEVER MY LOVE ...NEVER YESTERDAY...NEVER
TODAY....BUT...HAVE TOMORROW! ...
2 Comments, 138 Views,
10 Votes
,2.19 Score
|
|
Second Opinion... 7/4/2006
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you
are no good in bed either, " and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and calls home.
<br>
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated
husband says, "What took you so long to answer the
phone?" ...
1 Comments, 179 Views,
14 Votes
,4.74 Score
|
|
Making Love To... 7/4/2006
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a
nurse or an airline stewardess?
<br>
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we
get it right.
<br>
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
<br>
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth
and nose and breathe normally.
1 Comments, 185 Views,
15 Votes
,4.05 Score
|
|
Sisters... 7/4/2006
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins.
<br>
It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says,
"I'm not
going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not
coming home
'til I've been laid!!"
<br>
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10
so I don't worry about
you."
<br>
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of
Gladys...
11 ...
1 Comments, 133 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
Thirteen... 7/4/2006
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment
down South, when he struck up a conversation with a young
lady in a bar.
<br>
After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own
bottle
and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
<br>
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter
asked as the obviously
young lass was disrobing.
...
1 Comments, 156 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score
|
|
The Rules and Where Have You Been?? 7/4/2006
Didn't post the 1st time...had a "no-no"
word in it, I guess.
<br>
The Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
<br>
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you
that I won't be ...
1 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
2 birds, 1 stone 7/4/2006
Chief One Stone got his name from being injured in a battle
years earlier. The word got aroung, "Don't
mess with One Stone, for he may kill you". One evening, One
Stone met Yellow Dove, a pretty indian madien. They talked, and
had sex, which lasted for several hours. Later, Yellow
Dove passed away. Later, the same day, he met Blue Bird, another
lovely maiden. They too eventually ended up ...
1 Comments, 97 Views,
8 Votes
,0.93 Score
|
|
bumper sticker wisdom 7/4/2006
• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<br>
...
1 Comments, 163 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
|
The Ten Dollar Jar 7/4/2006
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large
jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with
ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands
of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's
up with the jar?"
<br>
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass
three tests, then you get all the money."
<br>
Man: ...
2 Comments, 161 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
|
|
More Fish in the Sea?? 7/4/2006
As you cruize the pages of this Online "Mail order
Bride/Groom"..... Just remember, don't be
to quick to say "Theres plenty more fish in the sea!"
...At our age.....We are quickly running out of bait!!!
LOL, ROFLMAO!!!!
2 Comments, 206 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
|
|
PSYCHOLOGY ROMANCE 7/4/2006
PSYCHOLOGY ROMANCE & MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A ...
1 Comments, 236 Views,
16 Votes
,4.16 Score
|
|
Old flames 7/4/2006
When does it become acceptable to make a joke about a girl's
"ex jerk" or old flame. It seems okay for her
to tear him to pieces, but sometimes if you put in a dig, she
amazingly comes to his defense. is it best to simply listen
and nod when these discussions take place?
2 Comments, 161 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
|
|
Work Out and Feel Better... 7/4/2006
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the
following:
<br>
MONDAYS
<br>
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
<br>
TUESDAYS
<br>
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make Mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
<br>
...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
Girrrlllllll...... 7/4/2006
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said,
"No. you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days
to live."
<br>
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a
facelift, Liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so
much ...
1 Comments, 92 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Viagra Coffee... 7/4/2006
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything
checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side
and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years
now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's
sex drive." <br>
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give
him Viagra?" <br>
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him
to take ...
1 Comments, 140 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
The Mistress... 7/4/2006
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll
see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and
says, "Who was that??!!"
<br>
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my
mistress." "That's it, " says the
wife, "I want a divorce."
<br>
...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
Social Security 7/4/2006
A retired gentleman went to the social security office
to apply for Social Security.
<br>
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's
license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized
he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was
very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later."
The ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
Payday... 7/4/2006
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday,
so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
<br>
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was
confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly
two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally
his wife stopped the nagging ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
GOSH.... Looking Again! 7/4/2006
Anyone ever quit? Even married people look for soulmates
outside the perimeters of their "professional"
mates, and in perilious parts of their world.
<br>
It is written that marriage is like a besieged fortress.
Those who are out are trying to get in; those who are in are
trying to get out.
<br>
Scan the profiles: some demonstrate innocence, some are
predators ...
1 Comments, 144 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
Money Talks! 7/4/2006
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer:
<br>
<br>
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change
the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm
supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'be faithful to her forever, ' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that out."
<br>
<br>
He passed the ...
1 Comments, 91 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
The Rules and Where Have You Been? 7/4/2006
The Rules
<br>
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
<br>
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you
that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
state-of-the-art technology.. 7/4/2006
An American an Japanese and an Irishman
<br>
<br>
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager, " he said, "I have
a microchip under the skin of my
arm." A few minutes later a ...
1 Comments, 569 Views,
46 Votes
,4.24 Score
|
|
fairy tales 7/4/2006
DO you know the difference between a fairy tale and a truck
drivers story? A fairy tale starts out with "once
upon a time" and a truck drivers story starts out with
"you aint gonna beleive this sh-t"
1 Comments, 153 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score
|
|
Fickle friends 7/4/2006
A man comes home early from work, only to find his wife in
bed with his best friend. The cuckold says to his wife, "This
is most humiliating". To the best friend, he says
"Bad dog".
1 Comments, 196 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score
|
|
Today I didn't do it!! 7/3/2006
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem
in his house. His three were outside, still in
their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes
and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door
of his wife's car was open, as was the
front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp ...
2 Comments, 128 Views,
13 Votes
,4.99 Score
|
|
new english words 7/2/2006
some funny new made-up words sent through e-mail:
<br>
Dopeler effect (n): the tendence of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come very quickly.
<br>
Arachnoleptic fit (n): the frantic dance performed just
after you've accidently walked through a spider web.
<br>
Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending
all of these really bad vibes, right? and ...
1 Comments, 124 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
masculine vs feminine 7/2/2006
this joke has been circulating through cyberspace:
<br>
a spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in spanish,
unlike in english, nouns are designated as either masculine
or feminine. "house" for instance, is feminine:
"la case". "Pencil", however,
is masculine: "el lapiz". A student asked,
"what gender is "computer"? instead
of giving the answer, the teacher split the ...
1 Comments, 203 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
Letter to the Wrong Wife... 7/2/2006
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a
long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent
their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they
found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules.
It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a
Thursday, and his wife would follow him ...
1 Comments, 161 Views,
15 Votes
,6.65 Score
|
|
Something to think about.... 7/2/2006
A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a
sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What
can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that
such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's
absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have ...
1 Comments, 176 Views,
17 Votes
,6.80 Score
|
|
The SFF Game 7/2/2006
This could be the result of early dementia, but...
what if we could be on the the SFF Game, kinda like the old
"Dating Game, " except it's for grandparents,
or AARP members who who are seeking compatible others for
their geriatric years. Dink Winkerson would be the host,
with Thrillist Diller as his side kick. (Her job would be
to slap anyone who fell asleep, or flash at someone who looked ...
3 Comments, 282 Views,
10 Votes
,2.79 Score
|
|
Don’t Mess with Grandma! 7/2/2006
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning
to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her
vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have
a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
<br>
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They
got out and ran like mad. The ...
1 Comments, 872 Views,
103 Votes
,7.86 Score
|
|
Humor 7/2/2006
A father walks into a book store with his young . The boy
is
holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
blue in
the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper
and
sipping a cup ...
1 Comments, 136 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
|
|
Texas Humor 7/2/2006
Survivor, Texas Style
<br>
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning
to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to
Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed
up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
|
|
who got the last laugh 7/2/2006
Adam was talking to god in the garden of eden and told him
he was feeling lonely.
God told adam he could make him a companion that would pamper
to his every need and whim.Cook for him, clean for him, share
his worries and pain and still have time to satisfy his every
desire, but it would cost him an arm and a leg.
Adam thought about it for a while and then said to god that
the price was ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score
|
|
Humor 7/2/2006
A man in Denver decided to write a book about churches around
the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working
east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone
on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which
read "$10, 000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor,
he asked about the ...
1 Comments, 346 Views,
44 Votes
,5.46 Score
|
|
Job Description for a Dalmatian 7/2/2006
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The
started discussing the dog's duties.
<br>
"They use him to keep crowds back, " said one
youngster.
<br>
"No, " said another, "he's just
for good luck"
<br>
A third brought the ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Coffee for Grandma 7/2/2006
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one
morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst
cup of coffee in her life.
<br>
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little
green Army men in the cup.
<br>
She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my
coffee?"
<br>
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
|
The Pregnant Fireman 7/2/2006
" Give me a sentence about a public servant, "
said a teacher.
<br>
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
<br>
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
<br>
Sure, " said the young boy confidently. "It
means carrying a ."
1 Comments, 105 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
Learning to Make Babies 7/2/2006
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
<br>
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep
her cool. "That's interesting, " she
said. "How do you make babies?"
<br>
"It's simple, " replied the girl. "You
just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
<br>
(Why wouldn't an English ...
1 Comments, 115 Views,
20 Votes
,3.64 Score
|
|
20,000 Leaks 7/2/2006
Our five-year-old Mark couldn't wait to tell his
friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20, 000
Leagues Under the Sea."
<br>
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had
kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband
interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to
sink?"
<br>
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
Learning the Ten Commandments 7/2/2006
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked
if anyone could tell her what it was.
<br>
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall
not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
1 Comments, 54 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
|
|
Grandma's Age 7/2/2006
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied
"I'm not sure."
<br>
"Look in your underwear, Grandma, " he advised.
"Mine says I'm four."
1 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
Grandma & God 7/2/2006
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma,
do you know how you and God are alike?"
<br>
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how
are we alike?"
<br>
"You're both old, " he said.
1 Comments, 78 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score
|
|
Grandma's Childhood 7/2/2006
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree
in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods."
<br>
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
1 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
A Grandchild's Freckles 7/2/2006
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was
sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of were waiting in line to get their cheeks
painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger
paws.
<br>
"You've got so many freckles, there's no
place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little
fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his ...
1 Comments, 46 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP 7/2/2006
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
<br>
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
<br>
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
<br>
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
<br>
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
<br>
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
<br>
7. ...
2 Comments, 256 Views,
31 Votes
,6.59 Score
|
|
OMGGG.......he was too cute!! 7/2/2006
When I was living in Australia I got involved in a very sweet
relationship with a man who was 10 years younger than me.
(Now over in Australia men AND women really dont seem to
get too hung up on age) We shared many of the day to day things
such as meal preparation. We also got into some wonderful
discussions after evening tea. One evening we were discussing
humor and how in different ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
Golden Anniversary 7/2/2006
One day Ole and Lars met for coffee at the local restaurant.
After visiting awhile, Lars said, "Ole, I hear your
50th wedding anniversary is coming up. Are you doing something
special to celebrate?"
<br>
Ole answered, "Yes, I guess so. On our 25th anniversary,
I took Lena to visit Norway, and we had a really good time.
I thought for our 50th anniversary, I'd go back and
pick ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Why Men are Dogs and Women are Cats 7/2/2006
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out
bulb?
<br>
2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.
<br>
3. Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
Texans in Heaven 7/2/2006
For those of you who do live or have lived in Texas, and those
of you who are their friends ...
<br>
<br>
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to
you, I have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing
some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my
horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes,
ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Simple Logic 7/2/2006
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece
on those littlebottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards: NAIVE
<br>
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
<br>
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known
as the "Bucs, " what ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
Harold Was an Old Man 7/2/2006
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in a nursing home.
<br>
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every
time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little
. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And
how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath,
or are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this
particular nurse.
<br>
...
1 Comments, 38 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Ramblings of a Retired Mind 7/2/2006
Ramblings of a Retired Mind -
<br>
<br>
<br>
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford
one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
<br>
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.
<br>
I was thinking that women ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
A Carrot, an Egg and a cup of Coffee 7/2/2006
There's a reason I like coffee
<br>
<br>
A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will never look
at a cup of coffee the same way again.
<br>
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life
and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she
was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of
fighting and struggling. It seemed as ...
2 Comments, 75 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
IDIOTS AT WORK 7/2/2006
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of
the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete
the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See 7/2/2006
Jesus loves you ... but everyone else thinks you're
an ass.
<br>
<br>
<br>
Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard
feelings."
<br>
<br>
<br>
The proctologist called. They found your head.
<br>
<br>
<br>
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
<br>
<br>
...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
|
|
Don't Be Late!!! 7/2/2006
Don't be late!
<br>
<br>
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided
to say his own few words while they ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
Grandma's Birth Control 7/2/2006
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had
been prescribed for her.
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had
been ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Fear the Word! 7/2/2006
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
<br>
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done.
<br>
As the officer cuffed ...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
A Cat Story.... 7/2/2006
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
<br>
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine
on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the
cat in the backyard.
<br>
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front ...
2 Comments, 116 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
Don't Fart in Bed 7/2/2006
(If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so
hard, let me know and I will pray for you. Beware - sit down
and make sure you have nothing in your mouth before reading.
We can't have you falling over or choking!)
<br>
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every ...
1 Comments, 218 Views,
21 Votes
,5.23 Score
|
|
Four Parrots 7/2/2006
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one
thing."
<br>
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
<br>
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"
<br>
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
You know, " he said, "I have two male talking ...
1 Comments, 112 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score
|
|
Inanimate Gender 7/2/2006
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
<br>
For example...
<br>
Ziploc Bags Male
<br>
They hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
<br>
<br>
Copiers Female
<br>
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's
an effective reproductive device if the right ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Passing this on !! 7/2/2006
Here's a good joke to get everyone's weekend start
off right!
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she
needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained
she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's
eyes got big and
he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide
to kill your husband!
That's against the ...
3 Comments, 776 Views,
106 Votes
,6.40 Score
|
|
Mistakes I Won't Make Again, Maybe 7/2/2006
After she spends a lot of time and money at the beauty parlor,
I will never put the top down on the car when we go out.....even
if it was an improvement. Even if she likes the wine, she
gets two glasses and that's it. I won't leave her
to sit in on stage when the guitarist doesn't show up.
I've found taking the pets along on dates usually doesn't
work out for the pets. When she makes that ...
2 Comments, 113 Views,
13 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
Simple Sims. 7/2/2006
I have the experience. There are many people on the net.
They all want to have good friends, be nice partners and
are outgoing and with many interests. Just like it were
the ideal Atlantida.But what about when one enters the
room! Only silence, and humor and all are laughing and ful
of knowledge end joy.
Is that the life?
Are we really such a simple Sims ???
1 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Not a good day for Santa 7/2/2006
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
<br>
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This
stressed Santa even more.
<br>
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were
about ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Time for Name Tags 7/2/2006
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week to play cards.
<br>
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've
been friends for a long time.....but I just can't ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
|
May-December Romance 7/2/2006
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting
on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked
her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband
at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up
and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
ground coffee." <br>
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" <br>
She said, "He ...
1 Comments, 30 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
Pearly Gates 7/2/2006
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season, " Saint Peter
said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter ...
1 Comments, 33 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
How To Decide Who To Marry! 7/2/2006
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
<br>
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
out
later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
Women don't give Mixed Signals! 7/2/2006
Since the subject of “mixed signals” was brought up by the
ladies, some of whom admitting that ladies do this while
a few seem to be in a fog and deny it, I assume the topic is fair
game. I have been waiting for this topic like a hungry wolf!
<br>
To say that ladies give “mixed signals” is an understatement!
And any woman that denies that this is the one ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
|
THE EULOGY 7/2/2006
She married and had 13 . Her husband died. She married
again and had 7 more . Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more . Alas,
she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher
prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving
woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
<br>
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
Wishing For 7/2/2006
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her
body and moaning, "I need a man, I
need a man! "Over the next couple of months, he saw
her doing this several times. One day, he came home from
school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom,
he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room,
took off ...
1 Comments, 23 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
Personal Ads...What women really mean!!!! LOL 7/2/2006
Women Lies……in the personals and what they really mean
<br>
40ish ….................49
Adventurous……… Slept with everyone
Athletic……………No****
Average Looking…..Ugly
Beautiful….Pathological liar
Contagious smile……Dose a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…On ...
1 Comments, 31 Views,
10 Votes
,2.79 Score
|
|
Blow-Up Dolls 7/2/2006
I was in the chat room and someone mentioned a blow-up doll...well
let me tell you about blow-up dolls. I was feeling lonely
so I bought one...never reading the instructions (guy
thing) I used shop air (120psi) to inflate her...KA-POW...well
rats, reads inflating instructions, ok now do not exceed
2 psi, oppsss. So I got another one...this time all is well
inflating her....got her outta the ...
2 Comments, 87 Views,
19 Votes
,7.74 Score
|
|
Shopping for what???????? yikes! 7/2/2006
one would think of the naSo, everyone has an answer…Where you can meet someone that
is…..Now, I never said they had the right answers. Obviouslytural places. Places which everyone
must visit if even for an occasion…
<br>
I speak directly of the grocery store…Some stores even
cater to singles in their area. I am familiar with one such
store that held a ...
1 Comments, 41 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
|
|
Everyone is looking...where do I go to find him/her...imagine this.... 7/2/2006
So, everyone has an answer…Where you can meet someone that
is…..Now, I never said they had the right answers. Obviously
one would think of the natural places. Places which everyone
must visit if even for an occasion…
<br>
I speak directly of the grocery store…Some stores even
cater to singles in their area. I am familiar with one such
store that held a ...
1 Comments, 56 Views,
12 Votes
,3.68 Score
|
|
Men and women 7/2/2006
When you were a you were really cute. When you were
in your twenties I was discovering what you were about.
When you were in your thirties I learned what it was like
to be ignored because of chidren. When you were in your forties
you were leaving me and taking my money. When you were in
your fifties you were discovering a new independence.
Now that your in your sixties you can sometimes ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
12 Votes
|
|
Lets lighten up with some humour!!!!!! 7/2/2006
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
than on Alzheimer's research.
<br>
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them.
1 Comments, 58 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
|
|
Struttin Your Stuff 7/2/2006
A young man took his girlfriend to her first baseball game.
In the 1st inning the batter takEs his place. The picher
throws..."Strike one" says the umpire.Then
he yells out, "Ball one", then another strike, and
the ball is hit... The young man stands up and shouts, "Run, Run",
"Darling", says the girlfirend, I don't
understand. "Oh, let me explain", said the
man. "He hit the ball so he ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
11 Votes
,1.86 Score
|
|
Blonde At Work 7/2/2006
A curvy blonde went door-to-door, looking for work to earn
some extra money. One man answered her knock and she explained
she was looking for anything he could give her. He said "I'll
give you $50 to paint my porch." She said "I can
do that!"
<br>
He gave her a can of grey paint & brush, and pointed to
the yard. "It's in the back!".
<br>
6 hours later, the blonde ...
2 Comments, 84 Views,
18 Votes
,5.17 Score
|
|
The Talking Dog 7/2/2006
A man driving down a neighborhood street spotted a sign
on a fence, "TALKING DOG, $10.00". The man
stopped and ask if the sign was for real. The owner said, "Sure, he
is in the back yard, go see for yoursef". The man and
did so. As he approached the dog, the said, "HELLO, HOW
ARE YOU TODAY?". The man began to question the animal.
"So, when did you learn to talk?". the replied, "At
an early ...
1 Comments, 34 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
|
|
TOMMY and HIS TRAIN 7/2/2006
Little Tommy was playing with his new electric train set
in the livingroom floor. As it passed the little station,
he
tooted the horn.Passing the station again, he stopped
the train and said, "All you Mother F---ers that
want off, better get off now". Starting the train
up again, he stopped the train on the opposite side of the
track and said, "All you S.O.B.'s that want
on, now is ...
1 Comments, 39 Views,
9 Votes
,2.78 Score
|
|
What Was That For??? 7/2/2006
An old couple maw and paw, were on the front porch.Paw in
his rocking chair, whittleing, maw in her rocking chair, knitting.
Moments pass and Maw reaches over and slaps paw in back of
the head, knocking him off the porch and into the rose bushes.
He finally struggles back to his chair and says to maw."what
was that for?", she replies, "For haveing
such a small one". About 30 minutes late, ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
14 Votes
,6.18 Score
|
|
Singing In Church 7/2/2006
Singing In Church
A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The ...
1 Comments, 38 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
I Get Just As Much 7/2/2006
What did the bathtub say to the commode??? "Look buddy, I
get just as much A-- as you do, only I don't have to put
up with all that S---!".
1 Comments, 57 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
Preacher's Donkey 7/2/2006
Preacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told
the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique
way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make
the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
<br>
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
<br>
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got
on the animal to ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
11 Votes
,6.16 Score
|
|
Can't Get Into Heaven 7/2/2006
Three ministers and their wives were riding in a car and
got into an accident. They all were killed and went to Heaven.
God said to the first minister " I'm not letting
you into Heaven " and the minister asked "Why".
God replied, " Because all you think about is Money,
Money Money!! "That's all you think about".
" You think about it so much that you married a woman
named Penny so I'm not ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
One Smart Bird 7/2/2006
A man went to visit his long time friend that he had not seen in several years. After his friend showed him around the place they entered the den,where he saw a beautiful pariot in a very large cage. "What a marvelous feathered friend you have",he remarked. "Yep,and he talks and does tricks too". The visitor noticed a string tied to each of the birds legs and ask,"what are the strings for"? Oh ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
|
|
Games for Old People 7/2/2006
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
1 Comments, 37 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
More Irish Drinking....... 7/2/2006
Mick and Paddy were coming out of the pub after the usual
night of heavy drinking - only this night they are later
than usual.
<br>
"Beejeezez!" says Mick, "All the buses
are finished. Oy, Paddy, we'll have to walk home."
<br>
So, off they set. It's not long before they come upon
the bus depot, all quiet and shrouded in darkness. Mick
suddenly says, "Oy, Paddy.... ...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
18 Votes
,5.58 Score
|
|
Elderly Meal! 7/2/2006
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to
lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had
ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he
watched, the gentleman carefully divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one
for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup and set that in front of his wife. ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
99 Votes
|
|
Bra Shopping 7/2/2006
A woman who is having her first date with a man she met on SFF
decides she would like to buy some dainty lingerie. She
goes into Victoria's Secret and is a bit perplexed
since it's been quite awhile since her last puchase
of this type of flimsy garments. Upon approaching the salesperson,
she is asked what size she needs. In a loud, clear voice she
responds - 40 long. Gravity does have ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
20 Votes
,4.40 Score
|
|
Words Women Use 7/2/2006
FINE
<br>
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
<br>
FIVE MINUTES
<br>
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.
<br>
NOTHING
<br>
This is the calm ...
1 Comments, 52 Views,
25 Votes
,5.90 Score
|
|
Female at different ages 7/2/2006
What s the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18,
28, 38, 48 and 58?
<br>
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
<br>
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
<br>
28 - You don t need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
<br>
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
<br>
48 - You ...
1 Comments, 73 Views,
33 Votes
,6.08 Score
|
|
reply to YOUNGER GUYS WANT OLDER WOMEN 7/2/2006
Buddy I agree with you, but you have some terrible mispellings.
To make yourself more attractive to old ladies here, you
had better polish your humor a little bit. If you only want
old women, don't bother. LOL
1 Comments, 86 Views,
27 Votes
,3.56 Score
|
|
