My Ideal Person
I am looking for a mom or dad, or both. Or an older lover that wants to marry and have a child with me. I want a family and home, i mean i have a home, but often need help (advice, ect..) and i wanna be there to help you also, i just don't wanna be alone anymore, like i was this past holiday season. I have noone and though my biological "dad" is alive, he has never wanted to know me, my real mom died in december, just before Christmas...things in that relationship were sadly always strained also, but i did love her and miss her like i can't say or explain, somedays the hurt of her death nearly kills me totally now. My other "so called family" never wanted me and my grandparents did, but they died long ago. I thought of death a lot last year and want to just be needed and have help for a change, i am hoping to find a person that, maybe lost a child (god forbid) or just never had one, but wants one, or a partner, that i can satisfy, if they will help me. i know this is odd but, give it a chance, it's hard for me too. It's awkward to be here, and saying this, but I don't really even have genuine "friends" just as they say-"fair weather friends" and that's about it. men have a field day with me and hurting me and using me... but i don't know how to say no, when i already have nothing...I am ashamed of things i have had to do to survive my life, but i pray everyday of my life that God changes this, I have to have a reason to be here, or he would have taken me along time ago. My personal desire to have a child is growing all the time and lately even when shopping for groceries and seeing little babies, i nearly have to leave the store in tears, i can't believe this is "my life" and how did this happen, what is wrong with ME?! I just want to mean something to someone and belong someplace, somehow..and desperately i want to add something to someone else's life and do for them. Ralph Waldo Emerson, the poet, said.."to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived..is to have succeeded." is that too much to ask, for me from life? thanks for your replies and reading this.