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Pet Rules...
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May 6, 2007 1:39 pm
Mood: amused,
651 Views
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PET RULES - To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - Nose height.
***************************
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate, or swishing your tail through my food (accidentally) as you walk by does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1 They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but
while we are here we might as well dance."
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4
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Circumcised...
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May 6, 2007 1:37 pm
Mood: amused,
628 Views
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A child's reply
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went
back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. The teacher went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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2
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Free S *e*x!!!!!!!!
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Apr 28, 2007 4:03 pm
Mood: amused,
433 Views
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A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, which had been slacking off, and so, being creative in Redneck territory he came up with a sure fire way to get his business back. A large hand painted sign out by the dirt road that read, "Free S*e*x with Fill-Up."
Soon the first local Redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free s*e*x. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. The owner explained that if the customer guessed correctly he would get his free s*e*x after he paid for a ten gallon minimum fill up. The Redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close .. The number was 7. Sorry. No s*e*x this time."
A week later, the same redneck,along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his chance for free s*e*x after paying for his 14 Gallon gasoline fill up.The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free s*e*x this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, Bubba, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free s*e*x."
Bubba replied, "No, it's for real, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
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0
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Perks of being over 50
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Apr 28, 2007 2:38 pm
Mood: amused,
506 Views
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Perks of being over 50or, If you're not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without \bsexo?\b but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list!
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
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6
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Chinese Proverbs...
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Apr 13, 2007 10:14 pm
Mood: amused,
497 Views
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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch \bass\b should not bite fingernails.
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
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War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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1
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To cute not to share...
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Apr 13, 2007 5:23 pm
Mood: amused,
441 Views
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Ramblings of a Retired Mind
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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today are those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust." (not Pumping Iron-lol)
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
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1
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A question about Parisdreamer...
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Apr 12, 2007 8:57 pm
Mood: hopeful,
673 Views
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I have not seen any blogs in the last few days about how Paris is doing...last I did see was that she was going to be in the hospital for a few days...
If anyone has gotten any new information about how she is doing, please let me know...
If anyone talks to her, please tell her hello for me and that I am praying for her...
Huggs for Paris and whoever gives her my hello
Thanks,
Marie
I will share Huggs with you all...
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8
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About a blog by Tagalder1...
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Apr 9, 2007 12:37 pm
Mood: restless,
459 Views
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In the past I have been upset by some of your writings but I still chose to read what you had to say...I have held further comments until now...
I think this is one blogs that truly states the way things are...if only the people had the "b--ls" to stand up to the greedy politicians who speak with forked tongues and keep them out of office maybe the truly honest people would be able to run the countries and not the lobbyists...
Yes, the Western World has lost its moral compass...and then again, what leader holds the moral compass high enough for the world to see and follow...
Marie
(Picture is by J. Warren and is done in crayon)
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5
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Prenuptial Agreement
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Apr 7, 2007 9:21 am
Mood: amused,
488 Views
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AN ELDERLY COUPLE IN THEIR 80'S WERE PLANNING TO GET MARRIED.
SHE SAID: I WANT TO KEEP MY HOUSE.
HE SAID: OK, FINE WITH ME.
SHE SAID: I WANT TO KEEP MY CADILLAC.
HE SAID: OK, FINE WITH ME.
SHE SAID: I WANT TO HAVE \bsexo?\b 6 TIMES A WEEK.
HE SAID: OK, PUT ME DOWN FOR FRIDAY.
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4
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Women/Heart Attacks Info...Please read
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Apr 1, 2007 7:50 am
Mood: shocked,
457 Views
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This was sent to me and I feel it is important enough to cut and paste for all to read...(This did not happen to me personally)
**********************************************
Women and heart attacks
I've meant to send this to my women friends to warn them that it's true that women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have when
experiencing a heart attack...you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest & dropping to the floor that we see in the movies. I had a completely unexpected heart attack at about
10:30 pm with NO prior exertion, NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might've brought it on.
I was sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking,"A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up." A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you've been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you've swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn't have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial
sensation---the only trouble was that I hadn't taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 p.m. After that had seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasming), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR). This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws. AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening--we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven't we?
I said aloud to myself and the cat, "Dear God, I think I'm having a heart attack !" I lowered the foot rest, dumping the cat from my lap, started
to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself "If this is a heart attack, I shouldn't be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else.......but, on the other hand, if I don't, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in moment." I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics... I told her I thought I was having a he art attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn't feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts.
She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to unbolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in. I then laid down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don't remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way, but I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the Cardiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my
stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like "Have you taken any medications?" ) but I couldn't make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer, and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stents to hold open my right coronary artery.
I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the Paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St. Jude
are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was already to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stents.
Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail? Because I want all of you who are so important in my life to know what I learned first hand.
1. Be aware that something very different is happening in your body ..not the usual men's symptoms, but inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act ). It is said that many more women than men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn't know they were having one, and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other anti-heartburn" preparation, and go to bed, hoping they'll feel better in the morning when they wake up....which doesn't happen. My female
friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you've not felt before. It is better to have a "false alarm" visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be!
2. Note that I said "Call the Paramedics". Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER--you're a hazard to others on the road, and so is your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking anxiously at what's happening with you instead of the road. Do NOT call your doctor--he doesn't know where you live and if it's at night you won't reach him anyway, and if it's daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn't carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later.
3. Don't assume it couldn't be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it's unbelievably high,and/or
accompanied by high blood pressure.) MI's are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge
things up in there. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep.
Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive...
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To link to this blog (txlady4u) use [blog txlady4u] in your messages.
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