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Maybe just one smile???
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Jan 10, 2008 6:46 am
Mood: happy,
972 Views
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FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY:
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.
3. On the other hand . . . you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
12. I intend to live forever--so far so good.
13. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
14. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
16. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
17. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
18. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
19. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
20. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
21. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
22. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
23. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
24. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
25. Change is inevitable . . . except from vending machines.
26. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
27. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
28. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
29. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
30. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
There now...did it work??? just one smile??
Have a great day...
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5
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After Christmas Lament...
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Jan 7, 2008 9:15 am
Mood: cheerful,
686 Views
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After Christmas
'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
~Author Unknown~
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3
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Military Humor
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Jan 5, 2008 1:31 am
Mood: cheerful,
544 Views
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RETIREMENT BONUS
If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, "in Vietnam."
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2
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2008
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Jan 1, 2008 7:09 am
Mood: hopeful,
531 Views
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Hello to all here...
I wish the best to all for the new year...there are many that have had major changes in their lives this past year and those things can never change but we can begin a new year with the hopes and dreams of a year that will bring us peace and happiness in the way we need it, love of family, friends and maybe a new companion to help fill the void in our lives...
The best of everything to you all...
Marie
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3
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Gentle Thoughts For Today (C&P)
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Dec 23, 2007 5:24 am
Mood: contemplative,
438 Views
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A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
Did you ever notice:When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
I hope these were comforting to you.
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2
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Wishes for today...
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Dec 22, 2007 6:51 am
Mood: frustrated,
537 Views
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There are a few things I wish would change here in blogland and SFF...
1. All the colors people use are pretty but please folks, think of the eyes of those trying to read your words...some colors make it hard to read what you are saying...
2. It is not hard to use spell checker...so many words are misspelled that I find it hard to think that the writer does not realize their mistakes...it only takes a few minutes to use this option...
3. I know that all are allowed on this site but I think it is a place that should follow the name to a greater degree....the age of some are barely halfway to being "Senior"...
Please do not give me the line that everyone has a right to be on this site...I will not argue that but after all folks...It is a place for "Seniors"...
Anyway...just my point of view this morning...
************************************************
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all...
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4
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Baby Jesus
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Dec 21, 2007 5:01 am
Mood: happy,
465 Views
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It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The Pastor of the church was looking at the manger scene, when he noticed that the baby Jesus figure was missing from the cradle. He immediately turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon walking down the street. And in the wagon, was the figure of the infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, 'Son, where did you get that little Baby Jesus that's in your wagon?'
The little boy replied, 'I got him from the church.'
'And why did you take him?' asked the pastor.
The little boy replied, 'Well, about a week before Christmas, I prayed to the little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.'
Smile!
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4
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EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
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Dec 21, 2007 4:54 am
Mood: energetic,
468 Views
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Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.
Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
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4
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Lawyer and a Cajun...C&P
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Dec 20, 2007 8:44 am
Mood: cheerful,
396 Views
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Lawyer and a Cajun
A lawyer and a Cajun are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the Cajun would like to play a fun game. The Cajun is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.
This catches the Cajun's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Cajun doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Cajun's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Cajun and hands him $500. The Cajun pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Cajun up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The Cajun reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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1
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How about a cute C&P...
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Dec 19, 2007 3:11 pm
Mood: amused,
450 Views
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35th Wedding anniversary
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband' thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof!
the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are so ungrateful should remember that fairies are female.
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