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self-defeating behaviors
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Jun 1, 2008 12:57 pm
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learning to recognize peoples "soft spots", their areas of weakness and insecurities, can sometimes present it's own set of challenges. i see them, now what's the best wa y to communicate, knowing what you know now? do you excuse behaviors? do you make allowances? or do you keep your expectations high, in hopes that they will rise to better themselves and move beyond the shadows?
face it, "it's not my fault" becomes a comfortable place when you can complete the sentence with a dreadful tale of the past. sympathy is almost immediately invoked in others, and latitude is granted in areas of behavior that could be remotely linked to the tragedy. but is this really a good thing?
when i hear someone speak repeatedly of having problems with low self-esteem, it makes me wonder if they aren't using that as an excuse to hide behind. consciously or not, at the point that it becomes a reliable shield - it becomes a crutch in and of itself. when we feed this, we enable, we create an unhealthy codependency in the person - which only feeds the cycle. oddly enough, Dominant personalities suffer from LSE every bit as much as submissives do. they mask it differently, they justify it, but the reality is - it's more prevalent than many realize.
when you say "i don't trust easilly", it tells me that you have tasted life and are processing the lessons learned. most people i know that have made it to 40 have trust issues. think about it. we learn this by experiences, real or perceived. we deal with volumes of people within our social and professional relationships. within that, some will betray or hurt us. it stands to reason that those are the ones that will haunt us. we don't always stop to think of the ones that *we* hurt or betrayed, no matter how well we justify it to ourselves. but can you honestly look yourself in the mirror and say that, regardless of why, you have never betrayed someones trust or belief in you? people are fallible. they will "fail you". and you will learn to be more discriminate. we are not unique in this, no matter how much we feel that no one else could possibly understand. these experiences don't excuse you from being responsible for your own actions and reactions. will it shape those reactions? i should hope so. it's survival instinct. it's how we learn.
sense of entitlement is another characteristc i tend to see a lot of. i don't mean as pertains to "I am Dom, therefore i can", though sometimes i believe it's why some turn to the life-style. but with those that i see this behavior pattern, there seems to be this underlying belief that because you were hurt, denied as a child, or by others in your life - you are now entitled to your own happiness at any cost. i'm sorry, but no. you aren't. you are entitled to live your life well, to find happiness, and to treat others in the manner that you wish you had been treated. it does not fall to them to make up for the perceived inadequacies and failings of others. you are not entitled to anything in reality. who you are, what you give, dictates what you deserve. nothing more. nothing less.
self defeating behaviors wll do just that. defeat us. i get that people let us down. i get that there are some people that can be inordinately cruel. and i get the impact that can have on our psyches. believe me i do. but there comes a time that you really have to sit back on your heals and say "ok, you know what? they did this. it happened. i can't undo it". and then you need to make a decision. are you going to let that define who you are and what you become? are you going to use it as a crutch? are you going to hide behind it, dwell in it, and let it consume you? are you going to make everyone else that comes into your life pay the price for it? or are you going to live your life and become the person you are capable of becoming? the person that you wished the ones that controlled your life had been?
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