white haired lady smoking a cigar
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Posted:Jun 23, 2014 7:28 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2024 3:44 pm 2056 Views
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A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a wrinkled white-haired lady sitting on her front step smoking a big cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What's your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four." she replied.
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I can't stand it
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Posted:Jun 8, 2014 3:13 pm
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2014 10:45 am 2571 Views
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At an old man's funeral a woman sees his looking very sad, so she goes up to him, "Don't feel too bad, I hear your father died peacefully."
"Yes he did," he replied, "but I feel so guilty!"
"Why's that?" she asks.
"Well, when I last visited him in hospital he was hooked up to a life support machine. He kept saying to me, "I can't stand it, I can't stand it. Please turn it off, turn it off!"
"How sad," the woman tried to comfort him. "So what did you do?"
"Oh, in the end I couldn't bear his pleading with me, so I turned the life support machine off."
"Now, I'm sure you did the right thing," she said, patting him on the shoulder.
"Not really," he replied. "When I turned to leave I saw that his television was showing a daytime soap opera."
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The Fishing Trip
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Posted:May 18, 2014 11:50 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2014 1:35 pm 2131 Views
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"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your husband."
"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.
"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.
Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too soon.
"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up catching the most fish!"
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if you're a sick senior citizen
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Posted:May 11, 2014 9:07 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2014 11:49 am 2165 Views
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You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (part G) and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot four politicians.
This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning and all the health care you need.
Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.
As an added bonus, your can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
Because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay income taxes.
Is this a great country or what?
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We had a power outage...
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Posted:May 5, 2014 4:17 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2014 5:02 pm 2029 Views
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We had a power outage at my place this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, VD, iPad and my new surround sound music system were all shut down.
Then, I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it all off, it was snowing outside, so I couldn't play golf.
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered, this also needs power.
So I talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
She seems like a nice person...
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Sniffer, the dog
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Posted:Apr 10, 2014 3:27 pm
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2014 11:23 am 2216 Views
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Sniffer, the dog
A man had just boarded a plane & settled into his seat next to the window when another man sat down in the aisle seat & put his K-9 German Shepherd in the middle seat between them.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog & asked why the was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the was a 'sniffing dog'.
‘His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is.’ said the agent, ‘I'll show you once we get airborne, and I'll put him to work.'
The plane took off and when it had leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer, 'Search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle & finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', before turning to man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number, and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty amazing.' replied the first man.
Once again the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The sniffed about and sat down beside a man for a few seconds before returning to its seat. This time placing two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like that!' said his seat mate.
The agent then again told Sniffer, 'Search!'
Sniffer walked up & down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment & then came racing back, jumping into the middle seat & proceeding to poop all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained would behave like that. So he said to the agent, 'Why did he do that?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
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before Facebook
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Posted:Feb 1, 2014 2:34 pm
Last Updated:Feb 2, 2014 1:57 pm 2295 Views
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Thank goodness for Facebook!
In the old days I would have to make 300 phone calls to let everyone know what I had for breakfast...
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet
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Posted:Jan 31, 2014 3:09 pm
Last Updated:Feb 2, 2014 1:58 pm 2138 Views
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My is cross-eyed … is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
He picks the up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: ‘I’m going to have to put him down.'
'What? Just because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy.'
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Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions.
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Posted:Jan 26, 2014 8:50 am
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2014 7:41 am 2212 Views
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Why People Hate To Attend High School Reunions.
Jan, Carolyn and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Carolyn arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful . Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the , attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Carolyn relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boy friend, Jim Hupp. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan tearfully blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Carolyn, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg...
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Levels Of Stress
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Posted:Jan 3, 2014 3:01 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2014 4:36 pm 2081 Views
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Levels Of Stress:
You pick up a hitchhiker... a beautiful girl. She faints inside your car, and you take her to the hospital. Now, that's stressful.
At the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you're going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting stressful.
You request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You're extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 5 .
THAT is stress!
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