the mother of all prescriptions
|
Posted:Nov 10, 2015 10:25 am
Last Updated:Nov 12, 2015 3:34 pm 2129 Views
|
Today the doctor gave me a prescription for dailysex. Wahoo!
My girlfriend corrected me... it's for dyslexia.
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
legless chickens
|
Posted:Oct 11, 2015 11:23 am
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2015 5:03 pm 2052 Views
|
An ad in the paper today says that legless chickens are on sale at a supermarket, poor things...
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS in 1895
|
Posted:Sep 2, 2015 9:03 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2015 8:35 am 2420 Views
|
This is an eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, KS, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS –1895
Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no Modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of lie, play and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.
U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour) I don't even know what this is!
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.'
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S..
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.
Also notice that the exam took six hours to complete. Gives the saying "they only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
LIES I GREW UP WITH
|
Posted:Aug 21, 2015 7:02 pm
Last Updated:Jan 3, 2016 8:06 pm 2050 Views
|
LIES I GREW UP WITH
Mom got tired of me eating her scallops when we went to the restaurant, so she told me that scallops were dolphin testicals.
***
Rumble strips on the highway are for blind drivers. It took me years to realize that.
***
Oil spots on the street were what was left of little who got run over, because they didn't hold anyone's hand while crossing the street
***
When you lie, your ears turn red. That''s why I covered my ears every time I lied.
***
Mom told my big sister that the left boob is for regular milk and the right one is for chocolate milk. She believed that until she was in high school and took sex ed.
***
If the ice cream truck is playing music, it means they have run out of ice cream.
***
Dad told me that if I swallow chewing gum, my poop would bounce up and down in the toilet. That's why I always cried when I swallowed some gum.
***
Earthquakes happen when our planet is fighting another planet. I believed that until high school science class.
***
Dad told me that Santa really didn't like milk and cookies and that I'd get extra toys if I left a plate of Doritos and a beer. That went on for years and years.
***
No, I'm not drinking a Cola. It's black water and you wouldn't like it.
***
Pushing the seat recline button on an airplane helps the plane take off. If not enough passengers push it, the plane would crash.
***
People get to use 10,000 words per month, and no more. If you reach the limit, you can't physically speak until the next month begins. Whenever I was expecially talkative, dad would say, "Careful now, you are already over 9,000 words." That would shut me right up.
***
Dad told me that pulp fiction was a science book about oranges, and that I shouldn't be reading about that.
***
Every time you lie, baby Jesus gets diarrhea.
***
Mom told me that if I didn't behave in the McDonald's drive thru, I'd get a Sad Meal.
***
When we went to the store mom used to tell me, "Every time you touch something, a kitten dies."
***
My big sister told me that if I ate raw cookie dough, I'd get worms, but she wouldn't.
***
Grandma said, "If you wander off, the boogie man will get you and make you into sausages."
***
They don't sell replacement batteries for that toy.
***
Chuck E. Cheese is only for birthday parties, and you have to be invited to go to one of them.
***
My parents got me to eat calamarie by telling me they were 'Italian Onion Rings'.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
If your friends are ok
|
Posted:Jun 21, 2015 4:32 pm
Last Updated:Aug 21, 2015 7:03 pm 2033 Views
|
Statistically, one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends.
If they're okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Men and women are different in the morning
|
Posted:Jun 14, 2015 1:24 pm
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2015 8:26 am 2256 Views
|
Men and women are different in the morning.
We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.
And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
-- Andy Rooney
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
a domestic disturbance chuckle
|
Posted:May 31, 2015 7:43 am
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2015 4:28 pm 2208 Views
|
Two police officers, responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired, arrived on the scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they call their desk sergeant.
"Hello, Sarge?"
"Yes."
"It looks like we have a homicide here."
"What happened?"
"A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."
"Have you placed her under arrest?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
A moth joke
|
Posted:May 21, 2015 9:24 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2015 8:51 pm 1976 Views
|
A moth goes into a podiatrist's office.
The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick.
I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside.
My 's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand, who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart.
And my ... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own , because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own brains out.
I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, perhaps a psychiatrist. Why did you come to me?"
The moth replies, "The light was on."
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
something really cheap
|
Posted:Apr 15, 2015 8:09 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2015 10:19 am 2125 Views
|
Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tim
So she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
The clerk handed him a mirror.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Why Guitars are better than ...
|
Posted:Apr 4, 2015 9:01 am
Last Updated:Apr 5, 2015 9:29 am 2346 Views
|
Why Guitars are better than Men:
Guitars don't snore.
Guitars never wake you up in the middle of the night, for any reason.
Guitars never try to show you off to their friends.
Guitars don't come home drunk after a night out with the other Guitars.
You don't have to praise a Guitar after playing it.
Guitars don't have to prove anything.
Guitars don't try to change you once you've bought them.
Second-hand Guitars don't go to see previous owners when you're out of town.
Guitars don't have egos.
You don't have to continually assure your Guitar that its string length is just right.
Your Guitar will never earn more than you do for the same job just because it's a Guitar.
Your Guitar never spends a "night out with the Guitars" and comes home with a strange rash on its fretboard.
You don't have to feed your Guitar.
Guitars never argue, you are always right.
Guitars don't sneak around with other Guitars.
When you're playing, your Guitar doesn't care if other Guitars are bigger or better.
Guitars don't abandon you at gatherings for more interesting players.
Guitars don't get jealous of your male colleagues.
Guitars never put you down, yet you can put them down whenever you wish.
When your Guitar is being played too slow, you can speed up.
You determine the length and frequency of playing, and you're always in control.
Your Guitar never finishes before you do.
Why Guitars are better than Women:
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you have.
Guitars don't care how many other Guitars you've played.
You can share your Guitar with your friends.
You'll never hear, "Surprise, you are going to proud father of a new Guitar" unless you go out to buy one yourself.
Guitars don't care if you buy Guitar magazines.
Guitars don't care if you look at other Guitars.
If your Guitar is flat you can fix it.
Your Guitar doesn't care if you never listen to it.
Your Guitar won't care if you leave up the toilet seat.
You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your Guitar.
If you say bad things to your Guitar, you don't have to apologize before you play it again.
You can play your Guitar as long as you want and it won't get sore.
You can stop playing your Guitar as soon as you want and it won't get frustrated.
Your parents won't remain in touch with your old Guitar after you dump it.
Guitars don't get headaches.
Guitars don't insult you if you're a bad player.
Guitars don't care if you're late.
You don't have to take a shower before you play your Guitar.
If your Guitar doesn't look good you can refinish it or get new parts.
You can play your Guitar the first time you meet it, without having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
The only protection you have to wear when playing your Guitar is a decent thumb pick.
When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great time you had the last time you played a Guitar.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
