the senior home incident
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Posted:Oct 25, 2016 11:37 am
Last Updated:Apr 24, 2024 5:56 am 9202 Views
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On my first day at the senior complex, the manager addressed the new seniors pointing out her rules.
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At that point I asked, "How much for a season pass?”
As a result, I'm in search of another retirement home...
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45 lessons life taught me - Rgeina Brett aged 90
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Posted:Aug 22, 2016 5:41 pm
Last Updated:Apr 24, 2024 5:56 am 9758 Views
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Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the "Plain Dealer", Cleveland, Ohio.
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short, enjoy it.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. 
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the future.
12. It's OK to let your see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye, but don't worry, God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative of dying young.
37. Your get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have, not what you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
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half full or half empty
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Posted:Jul 8, 2016 11:45 am
Last Updated:Jul 27, 2016 9:39 am 10490 Views
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One day in a philosophy class, we spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, I felt pretty good about myself and what I had learned. So, when I got home, I decided to continue the discussion with my family.
I grabbed a 12 ounce glass and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then I took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
With maximum drama I proudly asked my family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, grandma replied, "Depends on if you're drinking or pouring."
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National Orgasm Day
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Posted:Jun 18, 2016 11:43 am
Last Updated:Jul 8, 2016 11:45 am 10902 Views
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A guy turns to his wife in bed and whispers, "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh, what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week."
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and that's when the fight started, part 2
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Posted:May 24, 2016 1:01 pm
Last Updated:May 27, 2016 3:03 pm 10687 Views
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started ...
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have Sex?"
"No," she answered. I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "'Yes.."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started ...
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?"
And then the fight started ...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I'll always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started ...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 15 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started ...
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That's when the fight started
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Posted:May 16, 2016 10:19 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2016 12:57 pm 10942 Views
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I came home Friday and said to my wife, "Guess what? I found the perfect job. Start at 10 a.m. and finish at 2 p.m., no overtime, no weekends, and it pays $600 a week!"
"That's great," she said.
"Yeah, I thought so too," I agreed. "You start Monday."
That's when the fight started...
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computer gender
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Posted:May 6, 2016 3:14 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2016 1:54 pm 10332 Views
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A Spanish teacher explained to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
A student asked, "What gender is a computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether a computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
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a cemetary chuckle
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Posted:May 3, 2016 10:50 am
Last Updated:May 4, 2016 9:37 am 10941 Views
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A ? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself and replied, "My wife's first husband."
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how to be safe in the US of A
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Posted:Feb 25, 2016 3:28 pm
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2016 9:55 pm 11116 Views
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I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.
I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the oppressive Neighborhood Watch.
I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. I then purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on e-bay) and put it in the CENTER of the yard.
Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies watch the house 24/7.
I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT Security charged me.
I bought burkas for wife and and I wear a Saudi thobe when shopping.
When we travel in our outfits everyone moves out of our way and security refused to pat us down
Safe at last in the USA.
What a country!
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a woman's hands
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Posted:Feb 15, 2016 12:35 pm
Last Updated:Feb 17, 2016 6:34 pm 11097 Views
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You can tell a lot about a woman's mood by her hands.
If, for instance, she's holding a gun, she's probably angry.
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