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Please forgive me for taking up so much blog space.... May 26, 2006 10:01 am
Mood: beautiful, 543 Views
If feelings are real, and they certainly must be, I'm out of my mind with joy. I hope this just isn't an energy peak.

But I'm just letting the "spirit of truth" fill me up with joy unspeakable and full of glory. It's like a zillion fireworks all going off in brilliant colors celebrating life and the goodness of truth and all inside of me.

I can see myself dancing in gosamer garments out against the darkness of space. I'm shining so radiantly that the stars seem dim. I'm dancing in the cool currents of the universe. The breeze is blowing my garments softly as I turn and whirl. I am so utterly and devinely happy. I never dreamed a moment like this would come. However long it lasts, I'm all alone and couldn't have more company.

Hope no flat tires are on the way.....Love, Pollyanna
7 Comments
I want the highest and best good for you...... May 26, 2006 8:59 am
Mood: happy, 480 Views
It is my desire to make this afirmation the outter goal for my life. To wish for and seek out how I can contribute to your highest and best good. I wonder what miracles will abound.

If the whole world was to adopt this one little consideration, how would it change everyones individual life as well as the state of the world.

When we allow ourselves to be insecure and needy, it's all about "us". We can become so clouded in our own neediness that the love we seek, we can't find, because the belief our neediness creates blinds us to all the love of the universe. People will love us in the best sense, when we love them. I'm learning.

Oh, I've seen a commercial for a movie I definitely want to see, it's "Cars". Not as controversial as "The Da Vinci Code'. But I think it will be very entertaining. I've seen some of the movie clips. I love the little Italian Fiat, and the one with separated teeth that says, "It's not my looks, but she loves me for my body". I think it's going to be a riot. Love, Pollyanna
1 comment
I want the highest and best good for you...... May 26, 2006 8:57 am
Mood: happy, 454 Views
It is my desire to make this afirmation the outter goal for my life. To wish for and seek out how I can contribute to your highest and best good. I wonder what miracles will abound.

If the whole world was to adopt this one little consideration, how would it change everyones individual life as well as the state of the world.

When we allow ourselves to be insecure and needy, it's all about "us". We can become so clouded in our own neediness that the love we seek, we can't find, because the belief our neediness creates blinds us to all the love of the universe. People will love us in the best sense, when we love them. I'm learning.

Oh, I've seen a commercial for a movie I definitely want to see, it's "Cars". Not as controversial as "The Da Vinci Code'. But I think it will be very entertaining. I've seen some of the movie clips. I love the little Italian Fiat, and the one with separated teeth that says, "It's not my looks, but she loves me for my body". I think it's going to be a riot. Love, Pollyanna
1 comment
"Let the healing begin" May 25, 2006 9:06 pm
Mood: hopeful, 557 Views
Last week during prayer time, I talked to God about how I was feeling about the long duration of the grieving process I was in. I wish I could remember all I covered. At the end the voice inside said, "Let the healing begin".

I've done alot of thinking about the inner flow of my energy. How it peaks and drops down into vallies. How I overdo when the energy peaks, and I vegatate when the energy just leaves.

It occurred to me today that the fatigue I feel, is the result of the dynamo of grief energy which has to be anger, is doing to me in a negative sense.

So today I meditated on how much power is in that energy and I need to try to focus it in a lifeward, forward direction. I think of all I could be doing with it, if it was being directed in the lifeward way.

1happy soul gave me priceless words that seemed to be a hand pulling me up onto a plateau. One that feels like I've arrived. A gold star, or a purple heart. She gave me a positive spin on what my pain represented, a "validation of my enormous love". How those words are working and turning things around in my mind. I've mentioned them before. But this is really life changing. I hope I'm on my way.

There's an undercurrent at work just under our skin and below our conscious mind. I've found it, and now I'm reading it. What a marvelous find.

It was a very good day today. I'm looking forward to a better day tomorrow and the day after that, please, please,please. Thank you for listening. Love, Pollyanna
5 Comments
Thank you for your many gifts of inspiration May 25, 2006 6:35 am
Mood: beautiful, 487 Views
I came to my recent post and was given gifts of love and encouragement. What is more precious?

1Happysoul told me something that will forever change my perception of grief...."it validates the enormous love" I had for Marshall. Not that it's the price for love, but that it "validates" my enormous love. Wow!!! Talk about putting it in the positive.

So I guess for all of us who have suffered losses that cause us so much pain, we can feel good that the pain "validates our enormous love", and she went on to say, "our capacity as humanbeings to be able to give that love". I don't remember word for word exactly. Her ability to encourage me and you as well, came with a very big price. Thank you 1Happysoul. Love, Pollyanna
1 comment
"The bearer of this card will live to be 100 years....... May 24, 2006 4:56 pm
Mood: contemplative, 514 Views
In my post, "The next big step" I received caution from those who care.

But if what follows this life is natural, and it's supposed to happen, isn't it okay to look at it as a postive next step?

Death does not scare me. I have been priviledged to be present at two passings. It's a part of the miracle of life.

Life is eternal. It's birth and death that have a beginning and an end. People have muddied the waters of understanding by referring to "Life and death" rather than, "birth and death".

I picked up a video once. The title seemed to be about how to be an exceptional person. It turned out to be a video about people facing their end through cancer.

The facilitator handed everyone a purple business card that had written in gold letters, "The bearer of this card will live 100 years or more".

The group laughed, naturally. But the facilitator began to share the realities with the opportunity. They would outlive most everyone they knew, they would most likely live out their lives in nursing homes, and they would slowly lose the use of their sight and other faculties.

So the message was, it's not how long we live, but rather how good we make life while we live it.

I've never forgotten the message. So when life stops being "wonderful" and you lose the most important part of yourself, I don't see it as a negative thing to contemplate where the loved one has gone and even look forward to seeing them again. I do not see that as a fearful, negative, self destructive behavior. I see it as accepting the ultimate. A change. Love, Pollyanna
4 Comments
Love here at SFF...... May 24, 2006 6:53 am
Mood: beautiful, 628 Views
Yesterday you all just blew me away. People wonder if we can find love here on the internet. The love that poured out to me in response to yesterdays post, was literally unreal. I could feel it. That big old "tsumani wave" wasn't as big as I thought. There was a bigger wave, and you all brought it to me.....how I love you all for it....I can't say thank you enough...Love, Pollyanna
7 Comments
I don't know whether to post or just let some time pass May 23, 2006 6:23 am
Mood: apathetic, 713 Views
Good morning.....we can start with that I guess.
Another day. I'm feeling like those poor people must have felt when they were overtaken by the tsunami in Indonesia. Fight as we might, there comes a time when all we can do is surrender and go with the waves. I can't fight it any more.

I have to share that in the midst of my mayhem, The Donald Too has brought great joy to me in his interaction with others here.

Last night as I was reading the different posts, I laughed. It hurt my head, but it was all so funny to me. Someone said to call Donald "the duck". The Donald Too is like all of us. We are a "work in progress". Give him a break.

Also, in reading the many posts, I guess I'm drawn to many of those that our Peter enjoys reading. The picture he used was the one in the car. The illusion that developed was of Peter in his car, racing from one post to the next. That gave me a giggle. All giggles are welcome at this point.

I feel like when you all see I've posted, you're ready to run the other way. And I don't blame you, I'd tend to run too. I'm beyond kleenex, I'm using King size sheets....Love, Pollyanna
17 Comments
The next big step May 22, 2006 4:41 am
Mood: hopeful, 621 Views
Coming out of a meds fog is allowing me to feel and see with more clarity. Nothing has changed, I'm just more in touch with it.

I know what the next big step is for me. I know it's the step from this life into the next.

Everything else, I have experienced. While I have experienced winning and losing, the journey has continued on. The wins and losses are a faint memory.

So far as this life is concerned, it is a great place to visit, but I don't want to live here,lolol.

I do wonder what lies beyond. What is on the other side of the curtain. What will it be like, will I even be able to relate to it from what I've experienced here.

This man/woman business is for creating families. I've been there and done that. I want a new vista with new experiences.

I actually have it "made" as they say. I'm totally free, I have enough of everything that this life requires. I am free to come and go as I please.

As I'm coming out of the "fog" I find that here, the focus is on "finding someone". It's not a happy experience. This belief that I am in need of what I had. As Moony pointed out in a previous post, "he's here,he hasn't left me". My deeptest heart wants to connect with him again. It was a comfortable relationship. I was free to just be me and he loved it.

"Eye hath not seen, nor hath ear heard, what God has prepared for those that love Him". I have found a unity with God as I know him. What is there to fear? God is all.

I want a change of focus. Big huh??? Love, Pollyanna
7 Comments
Response to The Donald Too: "Fake" people May 21, 2006 7:51 am
Mood: contemplative, 687 Views
I have given serious thought to The Donald Too's concerns about who is "real" here and who is not.

Anything that sends up red flags should be respected. Whether it's a real or perceived threat, you need to keep walking.

I believe that here in cyber space we are invited to recreate ourselves and find who we really are. The first sign for that is the invitation to choose a nick name. I chose mine because throughout my life, as horrid as things were, I chose to look for the good, the funny and the beautiful. I have always found it.

Life has not been an easy road for me. I could have given up a long time ago. But I chose to work. I've worked on every level of my life. Material, physical, spiritual. I want the best. But the best as I perceive it to be. Not according to someone elses definition.

I believe that the wonder we share here is the opportunity to really go inside of ourselves, and then "paint" our picture in our post. As long as we are satisfied with our picture, whatever it may be, that is all that matters.

I love the beauty and the fun and the sarcasm that comes from each of us as life progresses. No one needs to pick up a sign and have a picture taken of it. If you write posts here long enough, we know who you really are.

I don't want to get hurt. Most of us are very leary of that one point. It is I who chooses how and when I may open myself to be hurt. I haven't met anyone any where, that I'm willing to sell out too. Yet to bond, selling out is what is required.

We may get to know someone very deeply, but the joker is in the mix. I remember looking into the mirror a few days after Marshall and I married. I remember saying, "Mrs...., I don't know if I'm going to like you or not". I knew that the new relationship I had entered required different things from me. In interacting with Marshall, I would change. There is no way two people can seriously come together, and not change each other.

We can hope and work and pray that we bring out the best in each other. It takes a life time, but if we succeed, we will be happy. If we don't, it's just another trip through Hell. Been there, done that. No offense meant Donald. Love, Pollyanna
8 Comments
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