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Better than Chocolate Oct 4, 2005 7:43 am
Mood: ecstatic, 831 Views
I sounded like some cold professor in my previous BLOG.

As I woke up this morning, memories came flooding into my mind to the point of seeming real.

I was only 14 years old when I received my first kiss. My two younger sisters and I were raised by older no nonsense parents. The rules were simple but strict. Daddy was in control and Mother was right behind him. So there was no coddling, no fairy tales told. We dealt with the harsh realities of life. It was not a soft and pretty world.

I will call my new friend "Scott". I realize that I really do have quite a story to tell. But not here.

We hadn't known each other long. He was from Nova Scotia. He was a stocky Scotch/Irish guy with the most sparkling blue eyes I'd ever seen. He was blond. He could make me laugh.

Ever so slowly I experienced my very first surrender to the sweet luring of his attention.

It was October in Southern California. The Santa Ana winds had been howling all day. But in the evening they often calmed down to a soft swirling breeze. There was a big full moon in the sky. The air was balmy. We were sitting on the small porch in front of the house. There was a short bushy palm tree in the front yard. It's frons were glissining in the moonlight as the wind lifted them softly.

Scott asked me if he could kiss me. I told him he could. He leaned toward me and I closed my eyes. The feel of his lips as they touched mine were soft and sweet. It was something I could have never imagined. It took me totally into its fullness. The magic between a man and woman settled in on two kids for it's first time.

He left shortly after that, saying he would see me later. I don't know how he felt. I sat on the porch lost in the trance of my first rite of passage. A kiss.

After a little while I got up to go into the house. I was dizzy and staggered as I opened the front door. I couldn't believe the physical reaction I was having. My second sister was beaming. "Did he kiss you? Did he kiss you?" My Mother and younger sister looked up at me waiting for my answer. I was so full of the bloom of what was to be my very first love. I could only nod yes.

Young girls have daydreams. I have my memories.
8 Comments
A place for my voice Oct 3, 2005 9:05 am
Mood: good, 800 Views
According to the personality interpretation on this web site, I belong to 2% of society. I am supposedly very independent, to the point of distraction for others. Also referred to as an "expert". I was a little awed by this bit of information which was taken from what I considered to be a rather generic questionnaire.

But it is true that I am very independent and I think about things in a very independent way. I follow the path my thoughts open for me. But I don't demand that others accept my conclusions.

Having lost the love of my life, I have felt so lethargic. A friend of mine invited me to spend Sunday afternoon on her porch which overlooks the valley below, where I live. It sounded inviting. I had a new spiritual revelation that I felt I could discuss with her.

When I arrived, it was a balmy afternoon. We sat in the shade and began our womanly visit.

The topic went to one I want very much to address.

It is a wonderful era for women. I'm hoping the girls of today will become smarter as they enter adulthood.

I am not into male bashing. Having sons has taught me that men are actually more vulnerable emotionally than women believe. But it doesn't take much time for most men to get smart fast about it.

Why then are women lagging behind? Why can't we get smart too?

It is not a man's responsibility to help us feel respected. Self empowerment is a relatively new concept. Probably born in America. It means to take responsibility for ourselves in all areas of life.

Waiting for someone else to make us feel the way we want to feel is time wasted. If we want respect we must clear the ground for ourselves.

We must first respect ourselves. That is our personal power at work. We must educate ourselves, learn how to work in the workplace, earn a decent income and feel the strength that comes from self sufficiency.

In my mother's time a woman was told to find a man and let him take care of her. History is filled to the brim by the miserable stories that women have lived. They are true which is what is so horrible. Men have been blamed.

I hope the young girls of today will be taught that the path has been cleared in America for girls to become fully equipped for life and living. Education is the key. Not a cute doll.

Men are human just like women are. They aren't super man. There are no super human capacities born into them. They very often do all they can do with very little appreciation or award. Those that work very often hate the work they do. When they get home, they are tired. They do understand that women have periods and PMS. They understand that we are different than they are physically as well.

It is time for women to own themselves. Own their choices and their feelings. A part of the romantic notion is that somehow another person is going to fulfill all their wildest desires. It's a myth. No one person can do that for another. Wealth has nothing to do with it either.

I am a self empowered woman. I educated myself and I worked hard, along side of my mate. We had serious problems. Who doesn't. I have a good retirement today, even though my mate is gone. I am relatively healthy and am learning how to enjoy the total freedom that I have. I love all the men who have come into my life over the years. They had things to teach me about myself. I am rich. Thanks, Pollyanna
7 Comments
Love, an' all that Jazz Oct 2, 2005 5:40 am
Mood: contemplative, 753 Views
I just read about weekends being for lovers. Anyone who is human can hear the yearning to experience those beautiful human calls to nature's wooing. But make no mistake, it is a course of nature at work. We're so vulnerable.

It is only after the death of a spouse that a person knows the whole story of what love is about. Those of us who have had happy experiences, pay a dear price when their mate is taken. Those who are miserable, pay their dues during the length of the relationship. Somehow, the dues are always required, and they will be paid.

I don't know how I feel about love now. I see it in a whole different way. I have a whole new respect for the men I know who are very cautious when "love" is seems to be closing in on them enough to bring out beads of prespiration on their foreheads.

Love is ultimately brutal. I have a male friend who has taught me to appreciate good friendships. Caring that is nurtured through genuine friendship is better than misguided emotions. Impending loss in any relationship is a part of the "love" equation. As long as we keep that in mind, the weekends are perfect for weighing the plusses and the minuses. When love is lost, we are ultimately blessed. When love is won, we can be blessed too. But not forever. We can't stay dumb forever. That's my opinion. Love ya, Pollyanna
3 Comments
Soul mates, two? Sep 28, 2005 8:16 pm
Mood: optimistic, 797 Views
I just finished reading Laughter's thoughts on Soul mates. Is it possible to have two soul mates?

My first soul mate has passed. Just wondering.Thanks, Pollyanna
7 Comments
Ride a cowboy, not a horse Sep 28, 2005 6:32 am
Mood: grateful, 770 Views
I have received some very inspiring and comforting responses from you. I want to thank you for helping me through each day.

I know that going out and doing something is very important especially when we don't want to.

There was an ad in an EZ ad paper from a party wanting people to come out and ride his horses for free, just to excercize the horses.

I'd seen the ad many times. My oldest son was visiting and it seemed like a good day to explore this offer.

I called the number and a very robust male voice answered. The man told me that the horses were ridden very hard twice a day. He asked me how old I was. I told him, 62. He told me I was a kid to him. He said he is 77.

He asked me if I'd ever watched any old cowboy movies. He said he wanted his horses run like they were chasing the bad guy through the canyons.

I've only ridden a horse about 3 times in my life. My son is recovering from double hernia surgery. I asked if we could come out and look at the horses. He said we could.

It was a real adventure. I had to drive down unpaved roads with literal washboard surfaces. The view of the land was wonderful. We were constantly driving up or down. Finally I came to a fork in the road. There were no signs. I called on my cell phone and he gave me directions.

I finally pulled up to the ranch. It is situated down in a valley. Small with a simple rock house. There was horse gear hanging from the eaves of the roof. Big dogs came running up as we exited our car. I saw the owner. He was tall and slim with sparkling blue eyes. I couldn't believe he was 77 years old. I then saw two white horses in front of the house. A lady was grooming them.

He asked if I wanted to see something cute. He took me up on the porch where a large dog was laying on her side where 12 hungry puppies were enjoying some fast food.

Though it was only about 20 miles from where I lived in town, it seemed like a whole different world out there. Quiet. Big trees and a bright blue sky. We went down to the coral where two more brown horses were. The smell of the dust and the horses was wonderful. I felt like I was in another time and place.

The man was sitting on his porch with his feet stretched up on a railing. He said, "people who don't like it here don't like country".

He was so at peace with himself. I wanted to know more about this man. What kind of man could move out into the middle of nowhere and find peace and comfort in the rustic environment he has chosen.

It took me out of myself for a while. It was a good day. We really do have the power to do something in the midst of our battles.
4 Comments
The hurricane has passed... Sep 26, 2005 7:39 pm
Mood: hopeful, 758 Views
As hurricane Rita has moved on, so too, my personal hurricane of uncontrolable grief has left me washed upon a shore of sorts.

The grief is like a terrible storm that tears at the seams of my life. Pounding into my heart and my head, that what I had is really over. It is really gone.

Yet somewhere behind the last remnants of the clouds and wind I sense a rainbow. A promise, that one day, we will understand how to commune with those who have transitioned from this realm.

As modern as we may feel, I know that we are and always will be, will be caught up in what appears to be archaic modes of understanding and superstition.

Feelings of fear and darkness, where only lack of knowledge and understanding block the light.

I was told that regardless of what happens, whether I live or pass on from this life, I am and always will be okay. If that is true for me, then it must also be true for all of us.

Thank you each for your responses. They have each encouraged me. Thank you.
3 Comments
Facing the Abyss Sep 24, 2005 5:52 am
Mood: crushed, 832 Views
I'm six months into my transition to singlehood. I've been doing really well. I'm focused, and I know what my goal is to be.

Over the past few days I've been visited by the grief that knows no understanding. Drowning in salty tears than burn with the pain of my loss. There is no one to fill the void left by my big old teddy bear.

As I laid on the sofa in my den I pressed myself into the back of it. Somehow breathing out and trying to wish myself across the divide that separates me from my deceased husband. How I want to be with him. How I miss him. Words fail.

I have learned that what we call "love" is now a kindergarten type of word. There is no word to describe the depth and breadth of what I feel for the one I loved.

I cry out for him as I hug one of his pillows. Some sign, some word, from somewhere that will speak to me. But the nothingness is deafening.

We enter into love with someone and are enticed by all the wonders it offers. We then start the age old trek of survival, bringing in children who demand and distract us from our time. Arguements ensue. Some are never resolved. Some of our relationships become distorted in their own particular way. Paved by who we not only are, but slowly become. The everydayness of living together takes on a robotic kind of state. We become so used to the sameness of it all.

Then one day, it all just stops. First shock, followed by horror. Who can describe it. This too is a part of that initial love we thought we just had to have or die.

Who can bear it?

My oldest son has come to the rescue. He lets me sit crossways on the sofa and rest my head on his shoulder. He smoothes my hair and kisses the top of my head. My need to cry subsides as I sink into the comfort of his shoulder and the soft words of his comfort.

What a miracle he is. I can remember when he once found his perfect place on my shoulder as I carried him from the tasks I had to do while holding a newborn child. And now, he is here for me. Because of him, today will take on a hopeful glow. I realize that I am still blessed. I know in time, I will be at peace with my loss. But the abyss is both my enemy and my friend. I must come to terms with it. And so it is.
7 Comments
Oh Happy Day!! Sep 22, 2005 5:38 am
Mood: flirtatious, 864 Views
There is a small coffee shop I often go to for a quick bite to eat.

In that coffee shop is a tall, younger than me,Hispanic man. He's very hansome in an exotic way. He talks to me with his eyes. Naturally, as a newly widowed woman, I feel a little lost with what life should be in terms of new love and the possiblilty of a new companion.

I look away from his gaze most of the time. But I have to say, he is an angel who lights the candle in my heart during these dark times.

My experiences take me far beyond his stage of life. He's too young.

My sister has warned me about men who are looking for someone like me. It's true I guess. I have to remember that I am vulnerable and could be exploited. Yet, I hardly know where to begin. My husband and I were very close for 42 years. The pattern is hard to break after so much time.

I believe in angels. I have hope for the future. After 55 years, I'm getting ready to sing again. I'm getting ready to perform. I haven't really touched my music in years.

There is an ad in an EZ ad news paper for people to come out and ride horses for free. They need excercize. I want to do it.

So far as the young man is concerned. I will go to the coffee shop when I'm in need of a lift in my heart. I will enjoy the glow of visual exchange. I will then leave it there and go on my way. Any comments on this would be appreciated.
4 Comments
Alone Sep 16, 2005 8:45 pm
Mood: content, 785 Views
Yesterday marked the 6th month sinced my husband passed. What a 6 months it has been. I've been through the period of emotional devastation. After a few weeks, I realized that my grief was not going to bring him back. I realized that the battle was going to be that of finding my way back to emotional balance through acceptance.

I asked God and my Angels to lift the devastation from me and they did. I pray and they never fail to answer.

Yesterday was a very nice day. I planned several activities that I have already mentioned in past blogs. My oldest son has wisely told me to plan activities for Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. I believe that they will be very nice days. I no longer suffer over the transition that had to inevitably take place. I know that he is well and that I am well and safe. It's all okay. We don't have to suffer endlessly. As soon as we can, we need to formulate a plan. It needs to be a workable plan that will help us get back into the swing of things. It's a little awkward at first. But with determination, we can "fast track" through the worst. I really am doing very well tonight. My heart is smiling.
1 comment
What goes around comes around Sep 15, 2005 9:34 pm
Mood: ecstatic, 960 Views
Several months ago I was in a grocery line waiting my turn to check out. Two parties were ahead of me. The first party was a couple who had a very large amount of food to pay for. It became apparent that they were short on the funds to pay for all of it. I knew they had kids. I could tell they were trying to decide what to put back.

I stepped forward and asked the amount they were short. I quickly volunteered to pay the difference. The couple was surprized, but also dismayed. They thanked me and I put my hand on the woman's arm and told her that there really is a God and He cared for them very much.

The next little lady ahead of me was old and wrinkled. She didn't seem to have all her teeth. She shyly asked if I would pay for hers. She just had a few items and I said that I would. She then looked at me and said, I don't believe it...I just don't believe it. I realized that it had probably been years since any little kindness had been extended to her.

Today I went to a program called Seniors On Stage. The material I had on it said there was no admission fee. When I went to check in, I was told there was a 3 dollar charge. I told the cashier I didn't carry cash. A woman I did not know stepped up and handed me 3 dollars. I immediately remembered the market incident. It really is true. What goes around comes around, and in the most unexpected places.
5 Comments
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