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Notes from Ola
  
Love come softly, brush against my heart
Yearning for its closeness, not ever to depart
In God’s Infinite Wisdom, I place my life,
And trust for tomorrow, what be, what might
Whatever path this love may go
It carries with it the willingness,
to let it go
And hope that one day, it will again, brush against my heart ....
To stay forever.
Karen A. 05/30/06
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Memories ~ life changes May 9, 2006 1:42 pm
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I pulled out some pictures today that were taken at my fortieth birthday party. It really struck me as I began to look over them how much has changed in the past fifteen years. I would say out of about thirty people who were there, five have passed away, three couples have divorced, and about five others I’ve lost touch with.

As I remembered, I thought of each one. Each and every one of those people, outside of a few spouses that came along, has played a very important role in my life. They are what my life history is all about.

For those who have passed away. My Dad, he was this strong and silent force in my life, and a place where I felt most safe and secure. My Grandma, who passed away a year ago this July. She was sweet and caring and made the best home made biscuits! She gave me the recipe once and when I tried to make them, they just didn’t taste the same. When I told her that, she said “well good”. She didn’t mind passing the recipe down, but it was important that she still be the best at it. I think it was because she used an old canning lid to cut out the biscuits, where I used a regular biscuit cutter.

Then, there was my sister-in-law, Lee. She passed away in 1997. She and I were pretty close. She was the best storyteller. She could always make something funny out of life in general. Her favorite food was salami and macaroni salad. Give her those two things and she was in heaven. I can see her now, taking a bite of macaroni, closing her eyes, moving her head to the left and right in real quick movement, and saying hmmm, hmmm, hmmm. Lucky for her too, it never showed up on her waistline! I miss the long talks we use to have.

Next, there is Barbara. She was a lady my Mom’s age, and was the one who hired me when I went to work for the university that I ended up working for the last 20 years before retiring. Her passing was very unexpected. Although she was my direct supervisor, we became good friends too. During the time we worked together, she placed an ad in the personals on my behalf. She wanted to prove to me that there were men out there that liked full figured women. I did end up with a few “nibbles” but nothing promising ever came from them. We had a good laugh over the whole thing anyway.

The last in the pictures is my sweet friend Teody. She had suffered for many years with kidney disease. She was this little petite Filipino woman. We worked together, but were also friends outside of work. She use to come barging into my office, calling out my name, excited about something she wanted to tell me. She would then kind of shrug her shoulders and giggle when I would “scold” her about being so loud when there was a meeting going on in the boss’s office. She had a kidney transplant that didn’t work, and went back in the hospital to have it removed. The surgery was successful but just days before she was scheduled to come back to work, she passed away peacefully in her sleep. She was only 49.

The couples that have divorced have gone on with new lives. I miss the ones that are no longer around because of the divorce.

The friends I no longer keep in touch with, I wish I did, but our lives took off on different roads at some point. One of them I really would like to know how she is, but my attempts in locating her have been futile. She and I met in the early 70’s. She would come over to my place in the late evening and need coffee so bad that she would use a napkin to strain the coffee as she poured hot water from the tap over it! I later found out that most of those times she was high on some sort of drug, or drunk. She drifted in and out of my life for years, and then finally came back into it for quite a while. She had gotten sober, and was very active in AA for years. When her son died of AIDS, she quit going to AA, and suddenly disappeared again. I know it was a very difficult time for her. I pray that it didn’t send her spiraling down again.

Yes, a lot sure has changed in the past fifteen years. I’m not feeling sad, just grateful for the memories.

Thanks for taking this trip down memory lane with me today.

5 Comments
Terms of Endearment May 7, 2006 9:53 pm
567 Views
Sweetie, Hon, Sweetheart, Sugar Pie, Darl'n .... all terms of endearment. I'm a little reserved in expressing those terms. For me, they are used because I feel affection towards someone, be it a family member, friend, true Sweetheart, or any kid.

They are not words that I use casually. I'm not knocking anyone that does ... it's just how I am.

When someone who is just a casual acquaintance ... or not even an acquaintance at all, uses an endearment on me, I usually think to myself "hey, I'm not your honey, so back off" I really don't care for a woman to call me hon or sweetie either, again, unless it is someone who I have an affinity towards.

Today however, was a different experience all together. I drove up to a little coffee shack and there was this very cute, black hair, dark blue eyed young man about 24 years old sitting on the inner edge of the window sill, reading a book and waiting for the next customer (me) to drive up.

We greeted each other, and he said "what can I get you sweetie?" I'm thinking ... "Sweetie?" I'm old enough to be your Mother! lol

Then I asked him about the book he was reading and we chit chatted about it while he got my coffee drink. He was a really nice guy. He even gave me three punches in my coffee card instead of the usual one!

I paid him for the coffee, left him a tip and said "have a good day." He said back "you have a good day too sweetie."

I drove off saying to myself "you can call me sweetie anytime you want sugarpie"

It definitely was a nice day.

13 Comments
Big Brother May 6, 2006 12:07 pm
518 Views

Today is my big brother’s birthday. We are 18 months apart. His name is Forest Jr. but we call him Fred. I was sitting here thinking about him and decided to honor his birthday by putting some memories down on paper.

He and I have shared a close bond, which has developed and strengthened through the years. Not only are we siblings, but good friends as well.

As young children, we played and fought like most siblings do. Fred loved to scare my younger brother and me. He sometimes would chase after us by doing this little robotic thing, hands fisted up, arms stretched out in front of him and walking stiff legged and straight until he hit an obstacle such as a piece of furniture or the wall. Then he would turn and continue walking, always with this blank stare on his face and a mission to get us so worked up we would end up pleading for him to stop. On one occasion he ended up putting his fist through the living room wall as he used it as a bouncing off point. Needless to say my folks were not too overjoyed.

Fred got his first guitar Christmas of 1959, along with a lesson book. Since then, he has developed into a very fine musician and songwriter. He has played in bands and performed to audiences as a one-man band. However, his exposure has been limited. His desire is to put out a CD some day. He certainly has a sufficient library of his work to do that. I hope he will see that dream come true. He not only plays guitar, but piano, keyboard, banjo and even played the trombone in high school. He has written songs with a western flair, country rock, hard rock, love songs and just plain instrumental. An orchestra could very easily perform some of his music, as he has written pieces that include parts for other musical instruments such as the piano, violin, horns and flutes, etc. Some very beautiful music and as you can already figure, work that I am very proud of.

My brother is a widower. His wife past away in 1997 after a battle with pancreatic cancer. Those were such difficult times for them. I have always admired and looked up to him, but it was through this time of pain and hardship that I really saw the strength and compassion that makes up so much of who he is. The care and love that he gave to his wife during her illness was so selfless. I know there must have been plenty of times of frustration, but he was her rock through it all. After her death he immersed himself even more in his music, and most of his songs were written since then. Now, he has a good relationship with a woman who has shared his life for many years. He told me once, after he and Gloria got together, that his love for her did not diminish at all the love he had for his wife, and the fact that he had the capacity to love again after losing her was a gift from God.

The most difficult part of moving this last year was the knowledge that I wouldn’t be seeing him as often. We talk on the phone, and send emails back and forth, but I miss the hugs … I miss visiting and talking over a cup of coffee about spiritual things, and every day life stuff. He and I do not exactly agree on some issues, but I guess we have come to agree to disagree. I miss sitting and listening to him play his guitar and being able to sing along.

I wrote the following poem about him back in 1985

“Freddie”

Twinkle in his eye,
Tune put to music with his fingers
Magic is performed to warm the hearts
Of the listening ear.
Laughter in his voice, as he shares his feelings
Thru the harmony of his guitar.
Warm, gentle, young at heart
Serious, caring, mature … who is he?
Someone I adore and look to
For approval, and know I have it.
He has supported me, loved me
And shared with me his music
Memories I hold dear
Who is he?
He’s my brother Freddie.

How fortunate I am to call him brother.
3 Comments
Mother's Day is approaching, and I'm no Mother May 5, 2006 3:26 pm
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When I was in my teens I would, as most young teenage girls, dream of the Knight in Shining Armor that would whisk me away into a “happy ever after” life. I wasn’t planning on some high-class career, I was going to get married and have babies, and I wanted ten. Don’t ask me why I didn’t just make it an even dozen, but ten was my count, five of each. I loved the idea of having a large family.

I graduated from high school and took one year of a two-year secretarial course at a community college. I was paying for it myself, and ended up not able to pay for the second year. To be honest, I didn’t have the drive to even make the effort. It is unfortunate, but back then it really wasn’t emphasized as much for a woman to go on to higher education, at least not in my little world. At the age of twenty, I moved to the big city with dreams of finding a good job to keep me busy until my Knight showed up.

For the first five years I was having fun and wasn’t keeping watch for my Knight. My house mates and I really took advantage of our independence. Both friends married the same summer, and I moved into an apartment to live by myself for the first time. Through the next ten years I had three more house mates, each one getting married and moving on, and I back to living by myself. After the last one, I just figured it was better to live by myself and not deal with all these weddings taking place, and none of them being mine.

I have remained close with three of those friends and have been around to celebrate the births of all their kids, watch them grow, and see them become responsible adults with children of their own. My friends are now Grandmother’s and I’m still no Mother.

I think I was around the age of forty when I went through a period of mourning. I realized that my chances of having one child, let alone ten, was becoming less and less. It was hard at times and I would cry out to God and ask why? I would have been a good Mom. I would have loved them, nurtured them, protected them, and done the best I could to raise them right. It just didn’t seem fair, when so many kids were being raised in sad and abusive situations.

Single parent adoptions were also few and far between at that time and I never considered it an option. Since then, a cousin of mine, who is about ten years younger than I, adopted a little baby girl. She is happy, and Katie is a sweet little girl, but again, it hasn’t been easy for her.

I got over my mourning period, and settled in to the reality of being childless. I did what I could to fill the empty space by spending as much time with my niece and nephew, being a Big Sister, and helping a friend out once in a while by taking her kids for the day and we’d go play. I even had a small collection of toys and games to entertain them when they came to visit.

Mother’s Day is a time for acknowledging the wonderful Mother’s out there. I have one, and I am so blessed. However, it is also a day that points out to me that I’m no Mother.

I’m okay with it now. For whatever purpose God has for me and the life I’m living, children was not part of that. Sometimes I say, “Lord, when I see you face to face, I’ve got a lot of questions for you, so get ready.” Then I think, when I am face to face with Him, nothing else will matter. So, why not take on that attitude now. In the end, my happiness comes from the Lord.

I’m thinking I’d make a good Grandma, ... and there is still time to find a Grandpa.

I’ve not lost hope.

God Bless you Mother's everywhere.

~Karen
6 Comments
Sweet finality May 5, 2006 9:16 am
568 Views
Well, I did it. I managed to get through a day without thinking about him. Although I’m happy that I am finally able to do that, it is still sad in a way. I think of it like finishing the final chapter of a dying relationship. Seems as long as I had him still in my thoughts, he was part of my life … and I just didn’t want to let go of that for the longest time.

I’m moving on .. have been for a while now, but this remnant of memories that lingered on throughout the day, I can finally place in a box and keep for viewing on rare occasions. He’ll always be tucked away in a corner somewhere.
7 Comments
A Fish Story May 5, 2006 12:38 am
495 Views
I just finished reading Meme's blog and the story she shared about her Dad. It made me think of my Dad, and a very funny incident that happened while out fishing.

We use to go camping, hunting and fishing a lot when I was a young girl. I loved those times, and if I close my eyes and think hard enough, I can almost smell the smoke from the camp fire, and the fresh mountain air, specially in the early mornings crawling out of the tent. Oh, and camp coffee ... hmmmmm. I didn't drink it then, but I sure loved the smell.

Our days were spent exploring in the woods, and swimming in the lakes if the weather permitted. In the evenings we would sit around the camp fire and sing, while my brother played his guitar. I loved the times when my brothers and I were sent to bed for the night. I would be all snuggled in my sleeping bag, watching the flicker of the fire through the tent, and listening to the low soft murmurs of my folks as they sat and talked. It was a very cozy, secure and comfortable feeling.

We use to go to this one place called Brighten Bush Lake. It is now part of the Warm Springs Indian reservation, but then it was Forest Service government land I believe. On one of our trips, we took a days hike up the trails and found one lake after another ... we'd go up to a ridge ... and there would be one, then up a little higher and there would be another one. All beautiful, clear, fresh lakes. Most of them were situated in such a way that we were unable to get to them without doing some serious climbing. However, one that we could get to turned out to have very warm water. We didn't go swimming that day, but years later when my folks went up by themselves I guess they went skinning dipping!

Anyway, I'm getting side tracked from my original thought (what's new).

There were times I would get to go out in the boat with my Dad when he went fishing. I didn't usually fish, but I would row the boat, and just enjoy the special time alone with him. This one particular time the fishing had been really bad. He wasn't getting even a nibble. We had been out on the lake for some time when he finally hooked one. The fish was fighting him enough that in order to really get a good hold on his pole he needed to stand up, but he didn't want to do it in the boat. So, as I rowed as fast as I could to the edge of the lake, my Dad concentrated hard on keeping the fish on the hook. When I finally reached the shore, my Dad jumped out, and successfully reeled the fish in. I laugh now as I think about it because he really got excited about catching this fish. After all was said and done he stood there patting his shirt pockets and looking around on the ground as if he had dropped something. I asked him what he was looking for and he replied "my pipe .. I must have dropped it in the water." I burst out laughing and said ... "Dad, it's in your mouth!" Too much excitement I guess .
5 Comments
Joke May 3, 2006 10:22 pm
526 Views
This was just too funny

A man came to visit his grandparents. He noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair. He was wearing only a shirt,
with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea"
5 Comments
Boy what a night May 3, 2006 9:39 pm
573 Views
The auction was a hit. I haven't checked with honeyb yet to see how much doe, I mean donations, we made. Lots of money was flying around let me tell you.

I wish I had taken notes so that I could make a report, but maybe honeyb will do that. Besides, she's good at those things. She did a great job of organizing everything, and TCwonder was one good comedian. I tried my best to keep up with the bids but it was pretty darn hard. If it hadn't been for the help I got from DanDee I would have done far worse. I think I gave a couple of guys away to the wrong ladies. Hopefully they will all work it out amongst themselves and everyone will be a happy camper.

I ended up getting auctioned off myself ... I plan to collect.

I tell you, you guys are a funny bunch. Unfortunately I was so busy keeping an eye out for the bids that I missed a lot of the dialog going on in the crowd, but ever so often I'd catch a post or two and it would send me on a big belly laugh.

Now, as I sing "show me the way to go home, I'm tired and I wanna go to bed" I say good night.

~Karen
7 Comments
Joke: The Gas Men May 3, 2006 9:50 am
508 Views
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
3 Comments
Insomnia May 3, 2006 2:33 am
Mood: frustrated, 525 Views
It's almost 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep! This is getting to be a habit with me, and I don't like it.

My doctor prescribed some sleep medication for me, but that didn't help either. I still tossed and turned for a couple of hours before falling asleep. I slept pretty good once I did ... but that isn't my problem.

I use to fall asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I've been told that it is a hormonal thing

I read not too long ago that a person shouldn't do anything to stimulate their brain before going to bed. That may be my problem. It's a guarantee that I will sign in to SFF before I go to bed and read some blogs ... maybe go into the chat room for a little bit. Then when I sign off, I sit and play a few computer card games.

I have an appointment with the sleep center this next week. Lot of good it is going to do for them to test me while I sleep if I can't sleep!

I don't really have anything else to say. Just wish I could go to sleep. Anyone have any tips they want to share?

Would be nice to have someone to sing me to sleep


6 Comments
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