As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a seven foot bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw, and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky...
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a christian?'
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out, the sound of the forest resumed, the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord,
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot." I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex, he said, "I would like to have sex too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand..I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life, and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the justice of the peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the front desk clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex~~~I said, "You don't understand..Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets, "You don't understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on tv." He called me a show~off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again, I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the a.m. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." ~~~My case in court comes up next thursday.
Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more darn trouble with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went to my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life, but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Listen Mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend~go get yourself a dog." .
Today was the annual World Nekked Bike Ride, the purpose for this now yearly event is to protest the worlds petroleum dependency. Montpelier, Vermont, my hometown..was one of those places. There is a law on the books here, that it's okay to be nekked in public..you just can't UNROBE in public. One local church asked the group to alter its route in deference to a funeral set for the same time..but a lead organizer of this event said that wasn't likely. Vermont has always been an independent state..its people known for doing things "their way." Though I'd never heard of this annual World Nekked Bike Ride before..I'm not surprised in the least. . A picture of a few of the nekked bicyclists in Montpelier. .
She married and had thirteen children. Her husband died. She married again and had seven more children. Again, her husband died. But,she remarried and this time had five more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?" The friend replies, "I think he means her legs." .
The woman was well known for her faith in God, and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch daily and shout; "Praise the Lord!" Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!" Hard times set in on the woman, and she prayed for God to send her some help. Once again, she stood on her porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! God, i need food, I am having a hard time. Please Lord, send me some groceries." The next morning the woman went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries, and shouted; "Praise the Lord!" The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Ha, Ha, I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't." The woman started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them! Praise the Lord!"
One day at my former place of employment, a dry cleaners/laundromat called Star Wash, I told my employer that the garbage man was on premises and had a question for him. My employer replied that it could wait, he had more important things to deal with at the moment, besides.."He's just a garbage man." I was taken aback by his remark, disturbed in fact, and shared with him that my grandfather was a garbage man too, and had been for most of his adult life..save for serving in the military when he was a young man. I asked my employer who would dispose of our garbage if not for "JUST" a garbage man, he had nothing to say to that, but he sure looked like the proverbial "cat that swallowed a canary." I went on to say that my grandfather was a good man, a proud man, and that a person shouldn't be "defined" by their work, the job didn't "make the person." I believe that it is what is "inside" that defines us, and the good we do while on this earth. I'd like to believe that my words left a lasting impression with my former employer. .
