Advertisement
My Blog
Blogs > ChrisChadwick > Letting Go
Letting Go
  
I would like to hear from others who have lived with a chronically ill spouse, and to hear how each of you coped with the complex of emotions--the fear, anger, hope, sadness, resentment and occasional joy you felt as your spouse became more dependent upon you while the weeks turned into months, and months into years. For my part, I know our relationship isn't what it once was (whose is, you might say), and yet it is the most important relationship I'm ever likely to have. I cling to the memories of what used to be even as I grieve for what we can no longer share and long for what is no longer possible.
Title View |
Erotic and/or pornographic literature and film Aug 6, 2007 5:30 pm
367 Views
You can see from the title where my thoughts have wandered this evening. I think it's fair to say that men enjoy what is styled as pornography more than women do. On the other hand, what is erotic is probably thought of as more the purview of women. Pornography seems to imply a graphic exhibition that many women--and certainly not a few men--find distasteful. On the other hand, eroticism seems to leave at least SOMETHING to the imagination. Eroticism also seems to engage the mind much more fully than that which is defined as pornographic.

I know there are those who see no distinction at all between the two--those usually find both the same and find both equally distasteful. I, on the other hand, enjoy both. Of the two, I probably prefer what is generally considered eroticism more than that which is generally considered pornography, but I have to confess that I MOST enjoy that which partakes of the salubrious features of each. *s* I would rather have either eroticized pornography or pornographic eroticism than either denuded eroticism, or pure, raw body parts in frenetic motion. Of THOSE two, I'll take the latter every time. Either will leave me unsatisfied to some degree, though.
6 Comments
Don't get around much anymore... Aug 4, 2007 3:44 pm
281 Views
I've been a bit under the weather the last few days with a cold, so I haven't felt up to either posting, or even chatting a whole lot.

I HAVE been thinking about the rafting trip, though. Each year it takes place, I wonder, "Is this the last time, I'll be doing this?" Granted, in some respects, I'm quite young to be thinking in terms of last times for some physical activities, but physically demanding activities are one of the first signs that Time is having its way with us. I don't play softball or basketball anymore. I stopped playing basketball after I twisted an ankle about 3 times in the same summer some 10 years ago. (In that case, the court had a dropoff at one end and I seemed to have made a habit of landing with one foot partly on that dropoff--changing courts might have worked, but that's where the group I knew played.) Not many years after that, I stopped playing softball. I was mostly an outfielder, but I got so that I couldn't pick up the ball off of the bat when I played deep enough to handle the flies that came my way. I was getting slower afoot, too, and I just didn't have the range that I had in my youth. I could still manage either at a lower level, to be sure, if I wanted to, and if I could find others willing to play at that level.

Rafting is still something I can manage. I have a few aches and pains from the paddling afterwards, but mostly, what is important as far as rafting is concerned, is to paddle on cue and to hold on when the water gets rough. I can still do those things, and I'm sure I'll still be able to manage this time.

But it's increasingly difficult to get partners willing to get wet and wild with me, too....so each time, I wonder, was this the last time? The thing is, you never really know if it's the last of last times until well after the fact.

At least it is SOME solace that I still have a memory or two to make before I stop dipping my oar into the water.
4 Comments
Rafting Arrangements Jul 28, 2007 4:50 am
276 Views
I made the hotel reservation for the rafting trip for September 6-9. The rest of the group won't get there until Friday the 7th, but I like to get there a bit early and ease into things. If the past is prologue, the rest of the group will get there around suppertime on Friday. We'll go out to dinner somewhere as a group, then party and maybe do a bit of dancing at a local watering hole before getting off to bed. The rafting trip is set for 9 am Saturday morning, and it's about a 6 hour trip down the river. We'll get back to the hotel around 4 or so, then get cleaned up in time to dinner and a second evening out. We'll probably go to a karaoke bar one of the two nights, if there is one not too far away. The next morning, there will be the goodbye breakfast, then it's on the road again for me.

I'll enjoy the trip, I'm sure. It'll give me a chance to recharge my batteries some.....less than 6 weeks away now, and counting.
2 Comments
Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose..... Jul 25, 2007 5:34 pm
330 Views
I believe that is one definition of freedom. An anarchist knows a kind of solipsistic freedom: he can do what he wants, when he wants, and he doesn't have to ask anyone's permission--of course, even an anarchist is a social animal and, while he doesn't have to ask permission of others of his kind, he CERTAINLY runs the risk of incurring the wrath of others--either individually or collectively.

Rules are necessary for social animals such as ourselves. Rules grease the wheels of social conveyances. Still, we share a wonderful pluralism which I applaud, and that pluralism USUALLY allows us to find a society our soul can select even when our interests, and the rules by which we are willing to abide, are shared by a decided minority within the society at large.

In some ways, I am a minority thinker (by being non-religious, for example), but I believe in society, taken as a group. I WANT us to be kind to one another. I WANT us to help sustain each other as we take this journey more or less together. I don't agree with lots of individuals, anymore than they agree with me, but I have a kind of faith in the collective--or, at least, in enough of the collective, that I want us all to go forward and prosper.

Now, if we could just agree on how one defines prospering... *snicker*
7 Comments
Love Among the Ruins Jul 20, 2007 7:02 pm
315 Views
Does love become adulterated if the connection is formed later in life? Early on, love (at least lustful love-the term "love" is really so vague as to require clarification) is driven by the biological imperative--"urge, urge, urge, always the procreative urge" to quote Whitman (who was, himself, a homosexual, by most accounts, but that's merely an aside in this context).

I think it's fair to say that, at a certain point, lust becomes less important for most of us (while always, apparently, remaining more important for men, as a group, than for women). When that point arrives for each of us probably differs...and for each of us, the point probably ebbs and flows in a kind of punctuated equilibrium.

And yet lust seems to be one of the main forces that both drives us together and drives us apart. When I think about work relationships, I work with lots of women and several (though fewer) men. (My particular job requires that most of us be nurses--hence, the disparity). Daily intercourse with each has some greater or lesser immediacy, but the interactions are transient either way. Once the problem is solved, there is no stress, really, in the relationship, because I can ignore them, or not, as I choose, just as they can ignore me or not.

Friendships require a greater level of emotional commitment, but even there, the friendship exists by mutual consent and, while it is far more painful when a friendship ends, each one of us recognizes that a friend has the right to agree or not to agree to any specific request.

But at each level of intimacy, the refusal of a request for help becomes more and more difficult. A "Friends with benefits" label seems to mean that you've openly declared that this person is a "special" friend. For such a special friend, I think most of us would make an accomodation if our lover wanted help that we could provide without unduly inconveniencing ourselves.

If we have committed several years to the relationship but the relationship does not involve physical intimacy, society generally turns a blind eye. If it DOES involve physical intimacy, MOST requests have to be given due consideration by each member of the dyad. We might not honor the request, but we know that, if we do not, the failure might well cost us a great deal in terms of the future relationship. We've come to depend on all of the tangible and intangible benefits that the relationship gives us, but each atypical (or out-of-spec, as the business folks would have it) request is, in effect, either a "mission" creep from the original (usually, very vague) agreement or else an overt re-opening of the original explicit (or implicit) contract. (Can you tell that I've lived in the corporate world for far too long? *sheepish grin*)

Of course, marriage codifies the relationship (though that commitment, certainly, still has its own vagaries.) From that point, we've each made legally binding commitments. For the most part, that's good. It gives a firm foundation that allows the couple to engender and nurture children for the 20 odd years that it takes to make the kids independent.

But after the kids are up and gone, what then? I don't have (and have never had) kids. I know I'm in the minority on that score. But whether or not we have had kids, I think we are, as individuals, left with the same dilemma: Where do we go from here? Do we listen to the faint echo of the (largely irrelevant) love songs that used to serve us as guides in the evolution of future relationships (I can think of a dozen songs here, but I'll leave it to you to fill in the blank), or do we see us for who we are and for what is possible at this moment in time (whatever that might be, and I'm sure it differs for many of us)?
2 Comments
Hey, hey, good-lookin', whatcha got cookin'? Jul 19, 2007 5:43 pm
288 Views
I wonder how many of us consider ourselves physically attractive. I also wonder how we factor in physical attractiveness in terms how desirable we consider a prospective mate...or even a date.

But that leads to the additional question of whether those who are dating are actively seeking a mate when dating. I know many women think in terms of never going to bed with a guy on a first date because you want to be sure the guy isn't after only one thing.

From my perspective, it's a real nice thing to be after, though, certainly, one can be after more than one thing at a time. I'm not after another mate, certainly, though I enjoy intercourse with friends. If that intercourse becomes physical as well as verbal, well, so much the better.

But I've gotten away from the original question. I know that physical attractiveness is a plus in my world, though there are other pluses to which I give much greater weight. In part, that is perhaps because I don't consider myself a Greek Adonis. I give much more weight to kindness, intelligence, and a good sense of humor, for example.

Great physical attractiveness can be intimidating, I suspect--in the same way that intelligence can be.

But we all have a whole host of criteria that prospective bed partners AND prospective mates must meet. And occasionally, who knows?, perhaps there will be a diamond in the rough....perhaps there will be one Mr (or Ms.) all-right-for-right-now who rubs us the right way and turns out to be a life-long friend.

I also had a friend who used to believe in soulmates, but had given up on dating because she'd kissed too many frogs. I asked her once, so how are you gonna find that one-and-only, that needle in a haystack, by only answering the door when the doorbell rings?
1 comment
But at my back, I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.... Jul 17, 2007 4:36 pm
325 Views
Thank you for your comments. Wishful, it sounds like you, in particular, have walked some in my shoes. I've noticed the slow, uneven degradation in my wife's abilities over the years. But what is less apparent to all but me is that I have also noticed the slow degradation in my own abilities.

Caregivers are perceived as rocks who live in a static world that honors the memory of the one who has departed to a more infirm place who requires the strength that that immutable rock of support can provide.

The TRUTH is that caregivers are all-too-human, and are, themselves, susceptible to the vagaries that time visits upon us all.

Carpe diem, I say. Damn! The torpedoes!!!! Full speed ahead!!! (n.b., Some might punctuate that differently.)
4 Comments
Time off for bad behavior Jul 16, 2007 4:18 pm
356 Views
I put in a request for several days off over the next three months, and then again at Christmas. I'll spend MOST of them in the area, certainly, but I have the rafting trip coming up. (Note to self - don't forget to make the hotel reservation.) I don't have the Christmas time approved yet, but the rest of it is a done deal.

I have this fantasy about doing more than rafting, though I think that is unlikely at best. I know there are many who think that, given my situation, keeping the fantasies JUST fantasies is the best for all concerned--I respectfully disagree on that point. Perhaps it IS better for a prospective willing accomplice (though I don't presume to make that choice for whoever that turns out to be--assuming it's anyone at all), but I KNOW it isn't best for me -- or at least the chances are MUCH better that a more-than-fantasy moment would do me much greater good than having an imaginary playmate.
4 Comments
Moods and interludes Jul 12, 2007 5:10 pm
314 Views
My mood is much improved today, and for the last couple of days. The 4th (and the anniversary) are behind me, I got over a big hurdle at work, and my wife is feeling better. I had a meeting at work where they told me I need to take some time off just so I don't lose vacation time. I'd been storing it up like chestnuts in anticipation of having to use much more than was actually necessary to weather this latest crisis.

I'm thinking I'll take a few days in August in addition to the rafting trip that is fast approaching. Perhaps the Friday after my still hoped-for dinner on the 9th of August (We are still on for that, aren't we? *s*) And then maybe I'll extend the time around the rafting trip.....I still need to save some time for Christmas. I talked it over with my wife, and she wants to try making it back to Cincinnati this season. Last season was only the second time we haven't managed it. I don't imagine we'll go back much at all after her mom dies, but she wants to make it this year if she can. It might well be yet another last-minute cancellation, but this trip means a lot more to her than to me now that I only have my sisters there. (We were always friendly, but never really close.)

In any case, it's nice to be thinking about choosing from positive options rather than choosing between the lesser of two evils.
4 Comments
It was so easy, once, holding hands without out a plan.... Jul 9, 2007 5:30 pm
452 Views
Today is my 30th anniversary. She wasn't up to getting out of bed.
11 Comments
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

To link to this blog (ChrisChadwick) use [blog ChrisChadwick] in your messages.
57 M
Guidelines
June 2008
Sun Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri Sat
1
  		2
  		3
  		4
  		5
  		6
  		7
 
8
  		9
  		10
  		11
  		12
  		13
  		14
 
15
  		16
  		17
  		18
  		19
  		20
  		21
 
22
  		23
1
24
  		25
  		26
  		27
  		28
 
29
  		30
  		         

Recent Visitors
VisitorAgeSexDate
gardengirl486011/10
traveler5662F10/28
get622 58M9/28
iamblue59F8/10
jmitchell104 63F8/6
LeahAmI 70F7/19
morninsunshine4u 51F6/27
Gunn49 59M6/23
Jonathon69 61M6/9
Summerwine2007 58F5/30
Most Recent Comments by Others
PostPosterPost Date
Rafting and suchvalentinefeb14Jun 23 8:49 pm
JennyChrisChadwickMay 31 6:02 pm
Personal Note interjectionSassySouthernGalMay 29 7:56 am
Somethin' tells me it's all happenin' at the zooMinnietedMay 27 5:24 pm
The canary in the coal minebunnysparkleMay 26 9:39 pm
LA BreakdownLuvshack_2007May 24 11:33 pm
Here, I am, an old man in a dry monthlilchic1497May 21 8:02 pm
Wake Me Up When It's Overhoneycup12May 18 7:57 pm
The Old HomesteadSentimentallllllMay 15 6:49 pm
Come away, oh human child, to the waters and the wild, with a fairy hand-in-hand...BRGeorgiaPeachMay 15 2:06 pm
"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each./I do not think that they will sing for me...."Abelle2May 12 3:04 pm