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Letting Go
  
I would like to hear from others who have lived with a chronically ill spouse, and to hear how each of you coped with the complex of emotions--the fear, anger, hope, sadness, resentment and occasional joy you felt as your spouse became more dependent upon you while the weeks turned into months, and months into years. For my part, I know our relationship isn't what it once was (whose is, you might say), and yet it is the most important relationship I'm ever likely to have. I cling to the memories of what used to be even as I grieve for what we can no longer share and long for what is no longer possible.
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House-warming party Jan 21, 2007 5:35 pm
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Well, I'm all moved in now. I was going to have the apartment cleaned, but I went there over the weekend, and they've already started painting and ripping things up, so I figure I'm just not going to worry about it.

Instead, I'm going to try organizing a house-warming party for next Sunday. I'm sure very few men do the actual organizing for parties, and I confess I haven't in the past, myself. But I'm going to try my hand at it next Sunday, inviting people from work and some of my wife's friends. I'll invite quite a number, although I'll be surprised if half of them show.

I'll be curious -- and a little anxious--to see how it all turns out. The house isn't really completely ready, but my wife wants to have the party before I take the Christmas tree down, and I want to do that yesterday, so next Sunday is the day.
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Another Restless Night Dec 30, 2006 11:32 pm
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I can see that Christmas affected me a lot this year--both in some good ways and in some not-so-good ways. I suppose what got me off my feed so much was that I came too close to an emotional place that meant so much to me in the past and then had to deal with the certain knowledge that that place no longer has the same joy--going there can be painful these days. Painful and lonely. There are other places of joy, still, to be sure, but not that one. Ah, well. I'll get through the romance that I always associate with New Year's Eve and then maybe I can try refitting the blinders for another stretch.

It doesn't help that I'm still moving the last remaining things over from the apartment, making decisions about which parts of my past history I want to try preserving, and which parts I should let recede into oblivion. Lots of bittersweet emotions these last few weeks.

We used to have New Year's Eve parties occasionally. This year's will be a very quiet affair--I probably won't even be awake at midnight. But maybe next year I'll be brave enough to try another. It's worth a thought. Well, it's about 2:30 in the morning here. I woke up and had trouble getting back to sleep. Guess I'll try again.
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Commenting on the comments Dec 29, 2006 6:14 pm
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Thank you for your comments, gentle readers. It is gratifying to receive support, although I have to confess that the previous 10 years or so has dampened my optimism about how much progress and repair is likely to occur in my marriage and my relationship. Don't get me wrong. I still VALUE the relationship that I have because my wife is special in a lot of ways, but I've had too many nights where our needs and desires have suddenly been overwhelmed by her immediate needs. I no longer expect that to change. The house will make the transitions easier, but I don't believe that we will suddenly become a normal couple. It hasn't happened in the previous 10 years, and I don't expect the house to be some magic panacea. She IS happier, and for that, I am glad.

I wonder how much of our sense of self-esteem is tied up in our sexuality and in the expression of it. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's higher for men than it is for women. And yet, I have known women who have been in the place where I am, whose husbands were sick or impotent or gay or simply uninterested. Most of the time, I don't express these thoughts because they never elicit the kind of understanding that I seem to crave. Either I get the "you cad! Thinking about "the s word" [this was censored before] when your wife's needs are so great!!!" or else I get the "always look on the bright side of life" which makes me think of the image in Life of Brian with the condemned singing all the way to whatever awaits on the other side of the veil.

I've mostly stopped the skirt-chasing. But that doesn't make me feel like a better man because of it. Far from it. It makes me feel like I have little left to offer. I'm sure that the sun also rises, and I'm equally sure that I'll go on flirting and dreaming of impossible consummations, but I no longer kid myself that those dreamed-of consummations will be socially acceptable to most.

Ah, well. Something's lost and something's gained in living every day. At least, so the song goes.
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Christmas dinner and the loneliness that follows Dec 27, 2006 1:20 am
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We made Christmas dinner together. She did more of the cooking than she has done in several years now, so it was a wonderful communal affair. We splurged on the dinner: a salad of mixed greens with a bit of fruit and nuts added, a standing rib roast seasoned with garlic and herbs de provence, roasted butter squash and fennel, cornbread dressing, brussel sprouts, and white asparagus with hollandaise sauce. We even opened a bottle of Veuve-Cliquot--quite an extravagance, really, but how often does one have a first Christmas in a new home? We ate in the dining room on our sturdy new dark-stained Pottery Barn table, with a soft jazz station playing Christmas music in the background, and with the lights turned low, with the Christmas tree and flickering fireplace in the backgroud, and two Christmas candles illuminating the centerpiece of evergreens and roses.

Over dinner, we talked about how much fun it had been to cook together again and how good it is to be a couple again. We reminisced about the joys of Christmases past. We complimented each other about how well the meal had turned out--it really was quite good, even if I do say so, myself.

By the time we moved to the table for dinner, I could see the beginnings of the pain in her face. During the meal and during the smiles and remembrances of things past, she had to take a couple of pain pills. We lingered a bit more, but her pain was obviously increasing, so I helped her into bed fairly quickly--past experience tells me that trying to hold on to a passing joy can ruin the memory of what was--and then I turned my attention to the dishes.

I enjoyed the day very much, but then as I did the dishes, I thought about other memorable nights with different consummations to the evening. I thought about embraces, and soft kisses, I thought of hands undoing buttons removing clothing, I thought about hands softly kneading naked flesh. I thought about other things as well.

The day left me happy; the night left me empty and hollow.
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Merry Christmas Eve Dec 24, 2006 8:25 am
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Yesterday, we went grocery shopping, the two of us. Usually, she is not up to the trip, but yesterday she managed it. We -- like most of you, I'm sure -- bought way too many groceries for the big Christmas feast.

This Christmas,we will begin forming new holiday traditions. In years past, we would go to her family for Christmas Eve and to my family on Christmas Day. It was good to see everyone, but, honestly, it was getting more and more difficult to maintain the pace of the two very long celebratory days.

This year, Christmas Eve will be much more relaxed. I DID make a run up to the apartment to get another load of stuff, including a few things we will need over the next two days, but today's meal will be a late breakfast and some relaxed snacking throughout the rest of the day. We might have a visitor or two, but chances are, it will be just the two of us.

Tomorrow, we're planning a big meal with a rack of ribs instead of the previously traditional turkey dinner that we have had every Christmas since I can remember. I don't mind the change, though I love turkey. More than any one thing, though, I crave new experiences. This Christmas will be one. Having a place to call our own is something I never really thought I'd have. But here I am, sitting in my room, enjoying the increased solitude that I now have. The apartment was much smaller, and my computer was set up in the small galley kitchen, blocking access to the pantry.

Here, I have a room to myself and can do things like playing a radio out of earshot of others. Nor do I hear a TV constantly in the background, unless I choose to. I still need to get my recliner here so that I can have a place to sit and read comfortably, but that's coming.

I worry about the increased time that I'll have to commit to maintenance, but apart from that, this having your own place is the cat's meow.
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Vacation Dec 22, 2006 5:04 pm
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Well, it's decided: We'll be here for Christmas. The fire is burning, the tree is more or less decorated, and most of the essentials are here. My wife hasn't gotten out of bed since her fall, but I HOPE it's because I haven't been there to help. I'm on vacation now, though, until the 2nd of January, so I'm HOPING we'll be up and doing together. I know here mood is better, even with the setback of the fall. My mood is...labile, as they say in the psych classes. I know I felt so hopeless when I couldn't even get her off of the floor Sunday. Tonight, she wanted me to spend more time with her because I'd been at work for several days and then doing chores of one sort or another, then falling asleep quickly when I went to bed. But I really needed some time for myself. I more or less set aside 7-8 for me,and, on the weekends, I might even stay until 9. I feel a little guilty about that, but I can't ALWAYS meet her needs, and this move is taking up most of what would ordinarily be time I'd have to myself. That's always a dilemma for me. How much me-time can I manage and still be fair to her?

Oh, well. We'll have a lot of time together in the next week, I think. She'll probably be READY for me to go back to work at the end of it.
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Mixed blessings Dec 18, 2006 10:14 am
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Well, we've been here two nights now, and have had our first two guests. It's obvious from my wife's mood that this will be a positive change for her. She has been up and out of bed for three days running, which is something that she hasn't done in several months. Right now, she has gone over to the housing complex office to check on a few things. She feels like she has been suddenly released from prison, and I love seeing something of the person she used to be returning.

Why a mixed blessing? Truth is, it's almost all positive except for one thing: I keep telling her that she needs to start with being up just a few hours and then gradually extending it, but she keeps going until she is exhausted to the point that transfers are very dangerous. That came home to both of us last night when she couldn't manage to complete the transfer to the bed, even with my assistance. She wound up doing a controlled fall to the floor. After about two hours of struggling to get her back on her feet, I finally had to call the life squad for assistance. I didn't get to sleep until around 2 am this morning. I had planned to go in to work, even with this cold, but after that crisis, I decided I needed to take it easy today. I figure I'm going to need a nap this afternoon at the very least.

I'm just waiting for her to return so that I can help her back into bed before I relax, myself.
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Moving day Dec 15, 2006 10:43 pm
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Thanks for the comments. The tree is up--we got one of those deals with the lights already on it. It isn't decorated yet, but at least it's not a NAKED tree. Two new beds have been delivered and, now, 4 chairs. Today, I'm going to take over the Christmas ornaments and then pick up the last appliances--a microwave.

We figure this will be the first night we stay at the house. I have a list of about 10 things I figure I need to move over this weekend in order to have the essentials for living out of that house rather than this apartment.

This inconvenient cold is slowing me down some, but such is life. I still have to squeeze in time to do the wash this weekend. The way I do THAT will change radically. Here at the aparmtnet, I drag the dirty clothes all over the complex, but I'm able to do up to 10 loads in one fell swoop. At the house, the washer and dryer are in the garage. I can only do a load at a time, but I can just run out in my skivvies (after I make sure the garage door is closed) and start a load any time, night or day with relative ease.

Speaking of the wash, I should probably get started.
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The signing Dec 15, 2006 5:56 pm
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Well, I'm finally a homeowner for the first time in my life. As one of my gentle readers noted, there were what seemed to be hundreds of papers to sign, then the handing over of the big check, and suddenly, I owned a part of a house. The signing seemed almost anti-clamactic, in a way. I haven't yet spent the night there, though. I was HOPING to move the bare essentials over this weekend and then live there starting tomorrow night. I inconveniently came down with a bad cold, though, and took the day off. I'm still hoping to do the minimum this weekend, though the cold has made it more challenging...no matter. I have until the end of next month to get out of the apartment.

I loved lying in front of the gas-burning fireplace at the new home, though. I had a bit of room to stretch out. I haven't had THAT in a while.
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Restless Night Dec 14, 2006 2:57 am
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Well, it's about 6:00 am, and I've spent a restless night. Today is signing day. In some respects, it would be better to wait until the builder corrects the issues that were found in the inspection, but the house elevates my wife's mood so much, she doesn't want to wait. I've acquienced, though I'm guessing this will cause some problems down the road. Still, the problems that the move solves far outweigh any problems I can anticipate if we sign before the problems are completely resolved, so we're going to do it. If that happens, we'll probably be living there by this weekend, although the move won't be completed until some time in January. I'm ready to get this day behind me, though. It's been an increasingly stressful process.

So the plan is to sign this morning, then go to the house this afternoon and wait while beds are delivered and the cable hookup is completed. I figure I'll move the essentials over this weekend: clothes, TV, computers, linens, toiletries, and enough food to manage for a few days. I have the week that includes Christmas off, so I'm hoping to finish the packing during that time. Then, I'll have next month to get the stuff moved. At least, that's the plan. And the GOOD thing is that I have more control over these issues than I had over this entire house-building process.
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