RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
Once upon a time there was this girl who had four boyfriends.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adored him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies. She gave him nothing but the best.
She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another.
She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times.
The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him.
One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone."
Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, "I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?"
"No way!", replied the 4 th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.
The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, "I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow m e and keep me company?"
"No!", replied the 3rd boyfriend. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!"
Her heart sank and turned cold.
She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, "I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me.
When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?"
"I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied the 2nd boyfriend. "At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave."
His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.
Then a voice called out: "I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go."
The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.
Greatly grieved, the girl said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!"
In truth, you have 4 boyfriend s in your lives:
Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.
Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions, status and wealth.When you die, it will all go ! to others.
Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world.
However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you where ever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow you to the throne of! God and continue with you throughout Eternity.
Received this in my email. Very thought provoking!
Reading this leaves a very sad feeling inside because it is so true.
President Bush did make a bad mistake in the war on terrorism. But the mistake was not his decision to go to war in Iraq .
Bush's mistake came in his belief that this country is the same one his father fought for in WWII. It is not.
Back then, they had just come out of a vicious depression. The country was steeled by the hardship of that depression, but they still believed fervently in this country. They knew that the people had elected their leaders, so it was the people's duty to back those leaders.
Therefore, when the war broke out, the people came together, rallied behind, and stuck with their leaders,whether they had voted for them or not or whether the war was going badly or not.
And war was just as distasteful and the anguish just as great then as it is today. Often there were more casualties in one day in WWII than we have had in the entire Iraq war. But that did not matter. The people stuck with the President because it was their patriotic duty. Americans put aside their differences in WWII and worked together to win that war.
Everyone from every strata of society, from young to old pitched in. Small children pulled little wagons around to gather scrap metal for the war effort. Grade school students saved their pennies to buy stamps for war bonds to help the effort.
Men who were too old or medically 4F lied about their age or condition trying their best to join the military. Women doubled their work to keep things going at home. Harsh rationing of everything from gasoline to soap, to butter was imposed, yet there was very little complaining.
You never heard prominent people on the radio belittling the President. Interestingly enough in those days there were no fat cat actors and entertainers who ran off to visit and fawn over dictators of hostile countries and complain to them about our President. Instead, they made upbeat films and entertained our troops to help the troops' morale. And a bunch even enlisted.
And imagine this: Teachers in schools actually started the day off with a Pledge of Allegiance, and with prayers for our country and our troops!
Back then, no newspaper would have dared point out certain weak spots in our cities where bombs could be set off to cause the maximum damage. No newspaper would have dared complain about what we were doing to catch spies.
A newspaper would have been laughed out of existence if it had complained that German or Japanese soldiers were being "tortured" by being forced to wear women's underwear, or subjected to interrogation by a woman, or being scared by a dog or did not have air conditioning.
There were a lot of things different back then. We were not subjected to a constant bombardment of pornography, perversion and promiscuity in movies or on radio. We did not have legions of crackheads, dope pushers and armed gangs roaming our streets.
No, President Bush did not make a mistake in his handling of terrorism. He made the mistake of believing that we still had the courage and fortitude of our fathers. He believed that this was still the country that our fathers fought so dearly to preserve.
It is not the same country. It is now a cross between Sodom and Gomorra and the land of Oz. We did unite for a short while after 9/11, but our attitude changed when we found out that defending our country would require some sacrifices.
We are in great danger. The terrorists are fanatic Muslims. They believe that it is okay, even their duty, to kill anyone who will not convert to Islam. It has been estimated that about one third or over three hundred million Muslims are sympathetic to the terrorists cause...Hitler and Tojo combined did not have nearly that many potential recruits.
So...we either win it - or lose it - and you ain't gonna like losing. America is not at war. The military is at war. America is at the mall!!
This was sent to me via email....it is so true it scares the beejeebees out of me!!!!!
**RECENTLY, I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:
**I decided to water my garden. **
**As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I looked over at my car and decided my car needs washing. **
**As I started toward the garage, I noticed that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. **
**I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. **
**I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. **
**So I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. **
**But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. **
**I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. **
**My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find a can of Coke that I had been drinking. **
**I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. **
**I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. **
**As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered. **
**I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. **
**Then I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. **
**I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. **
**Someone left it on the kitchen table. **
**I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the table. **
**So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. **
**I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spilled on the floor. **
**So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill, then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. **
**At the end of the day: ---- the car isn't washed, ---- the bills aren't paid, ---- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, ---- the flowers don't have enough water, ---- there is still only 1 check in my checkbook, ---- I can't find the remote, ---- I can't find my glasses, ---- and I don't remember what in the world I did with the car keys! **
**Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled, because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. **
**I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. **
**Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent. **
**Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!! **
**Growing older is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Laughing at yourself is therapeutic. **
**P.S. I just walked outside and SOMEONE LEFT THE WATER RUNNING IN THE DRIVEWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had the pleasure of going to the catskills one year and loved it. I hope you enjoy these jokes a friend sent me.
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others. You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy. Here are some samples:
* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
* Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
* Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
* Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
* Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
* Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sigh)"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied
Embarrassing Medical Exams: received by email today...toooo funny not to share. Enjoy
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
5.. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by RN no name
AND FINALLY!!!
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was perform ing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". Dr. wouldn’t submit his name
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, His father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on His study table four objects:
- a Bible, - a silver dollar, - a bottle of whisky and - a Playboy magazine
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old Preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But If he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps. As he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher Disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna Run for Congress!"
