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Leave it to Maxine to have the answer... Mar 27, 2007 6:22 pm
405 Views
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida .

Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border

+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
3 Comments
Spring Day in theNeighborhood Mar 26, 2007 1:14 pm
403 Views
This past weekend was beautiful here. Yesterdays high was only one degree from hitting a record high. Today is another gorgeous day. I have been sitting on the screen porch watching the boys (doggies) play in the backyard. They like to think they can get to the wildlife on the lake. Actually Jeffery, the one on the left in the picture, crawls under the fence and chases the ducks and other birds. I have had muscovy's, mallards, white egrets, and blue herons showing off for me. Last summer I had three otters playing in the lake. They are like clowns. The only problem with them is they eat my baby duckies. I also had an alligator. I called the wildlife people to come get him, but they wouldn't. Unfortunately for the alligator he died of lead poisoning. Someone in the neighborhood decided to take care of the problem themselves.

Jeffrey is on the left, Bailey on the right. They are my boys. The one in the middle belongs to a friend. My boys are Chinese Crested Powder Puffs.
3 Comments
Retirement Choices - Where to Live C&P Mar 24, 2007 12:12 pm
525 Views
Retirement Choices - Where To Live


You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!



You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house

2 The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it

will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.



You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.



You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.



You can Live in Texas where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.


You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"



Or You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3 Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
15 Comments
Songs From Our Era C&P Mar 22, 2007 4:50 pm
456 Views
1. Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

2. The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

3. Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

4. Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

5. Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

6. Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

7. Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

8. Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

9. Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

10. Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

11. Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

12. The Temptations - Papa's Got a brand new Kidney Stone

13. Abba - Denture Queen

14. Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

15. Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore

16. Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again

17. Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
3 Comments
Bible Stories C&P Mar 16, 2007 12:00 pm
549 Views
BIBLE STORIES

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how
Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to
fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times "Now, asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell
me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand,
"I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

LOT 'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She
described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No," replied David. "How could he, with just two worms?"

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there
is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses
behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon
bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much
practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

CHURCH SMILES
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments,"answered the lady.


WHILE DRIVING
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step
in exhaust."

A QUILT
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll
get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's
Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
--------------------------------
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk
9 Comments
Stranger in My Mirror C&P Mar 15, 2007 11:52 am
480 Views
A cute C&P by © Rose Madeline Mula


Please be careful.

This person has found her way into my house and could also get into yours.

A very weird thing has happened.

A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from,
or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her.

All I know is that one day she wasn't there,
and the next day she was.

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror I catch a glimpse of her. And, whenever I look in the mirror to check my
appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely, obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude!

I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no.

Every once in a while, I find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw $100, and a few days later, it's all gone!

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spent some of that
money to buy wrinkle cream.

And money isn't the only thing I think she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate-especially the good stuff like ice cream,
cookies and candy. She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds.

I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't fit.

And she messes with files and papers so I can't find anything. This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it.

And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things - like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier and all the knobs and faucets harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it.
She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's
license and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me.

I hope she never finds out where you live.

I really do!

© Rose Madeline Mula
9 Comments
Class Reunion Mar 12, 2007 11:16 am
709 Views
It's almost that time of year again. Already I am hearing of class reunions scheduled for the spring and summer.
Do you go? And if not would you state why?
Yes, I wouldn't miss one
Never, I don't go to reunions
Depends on the activies planned
If I have a partner to go with me, I'll go
Other...explain below please.
22 Comments, 29 votes
Don't Ever Be Late Mar 7, 2007 9:48 am
469 Views
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.
3 Comments
Twenty Three Lines to Make You Smile Mar 2, 2007 11:38 pm
497 Views
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

3.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

4.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

6.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

7.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

8.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

9.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

10.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

11.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

12.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

13.. Procrastinate Now!

14.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

15.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

16..Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

17..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

18..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

19..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

20..Ham and eggs? A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

21.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

22.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

23.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
4 Comments
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember.. Mar 1, 2007 10:13 pm
536 Views
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate se^x in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled, and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying se^x.
13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
6 Comments
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