1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying *%^@ YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "Whatâ?Ts wrong," for the woman's response refer to # 3.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty . but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
DAM/NITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to h/ell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases bre/ast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACK/AS/SPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Southern women appreciate their natural assets: Clean skin. A winning smile. That unforgettable Southern drawl.
Southern women know their manners: "Yes, ma'am." "Yes, sir." "Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions : "Y'all come back!" "Well, bless your heart" "Drop by when you can." "How's your Momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report: Humidity Humidity Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots: The beach The rivuh The crick
Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August: Colorful hi-heel sandals Strapless sun dresses Iced sweet tea with mint
Southern women know everybody's first name: Honey Darlin' Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts: Fried Green Tomatoes Driving Miss Daisy Steel Magnolias Gone With The Wind
Southern women know their religions: Baptist Methodist Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts: Red-eye gravy Grits Eggs Country ham Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Chawl'stn S'vanah Foat Wuth N'awlins Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform. Men in tuxedos Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real estate: The Mall The Country Club The Beauty Salon
Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins: Having bad hair and nails Having bad manners Cooking bad food
More Suthen-ism's: Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. _____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." _____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." _____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly." _____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in th e middle of the table. _____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. _____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! _____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. _____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference bet ween a redneck, a good ol' boy, and Po white trash. _____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. _____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. _____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," . we talk to everybody! _____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. _____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural. _____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. _____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. _____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! _____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. _____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You jus t say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way. _____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! _____ And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! _____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to /as?sas/sinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida .
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
DRESS-UP
