Close Please enter your Username and Password
Reset Password
If you've forgotten your password, you can enter your email address below. An email will then be sent with a link to set up a new password.
Cancel
Reset Link Sent
Password reset link sent to
Check your email and enter the confirmation code:
Don't see the email?
  • Resend Confirmation Link
  • Start Over
Close
If you have any questions, please contact Customer Service


Nileyears 71F
2362 posts
6/28/2017 10:39 am
Not Wanting to be Alone?

This post is only viewable by Senior FriendFinder members.
Join Senior FriendFinder now!

Nileyears 71F
4206 posts
6/28/2017 10:43 am

Bumping!!


shuel2002 65F
5537 posts
6/28/2017 12:07 pm

It's like you said Rae, everyone is different. Some people can't bear being alone and they search out someone to have companionship. For others, they need time to grieve either the loss of a loved one due to them dying or a break up that cut deeply. To each their own. I am the type that doesn't jump right in. I need time to get over my pain.

Elaine Shuel


Nileyears replies on 6/28/2017 1:08 pm:
Yep, I'm like you, took the time to deal with the pain, now I totally avoid it by not getting involved. Do I miss having a partner in my life? Yes, I will be honest about that, I would love to share my life with someone, but it seems those I got involved with wanted a different style life altogether, and I refuse to change to make another happy. I won't give up my horses just to have a man in my life.

shuel2002 65F
5537 posts
6/28/2017 12:20 pm

    Quoting sparkleflit:
    A few years ago, a close friend got a very aggressive form of stomach cancer.
    She was in a loving marriage, 2 adult children, beautiful house, her husband just retired. She went to the doctor because she hadn't had a bowel movement for a week.........I can't imagine going that long before alarm bells started to ring.......They opened her up and quickly closed her.......metastisized everywhere......advanced......you have weeks.

    Her husband responded in the most loving and supportive ways. She decided to refuse tube feeding and only small amounts of water. We all took turns caring for her, but her husband was there for her 24-7.......so patient, kind and cheerful.....and when their kids showed up, he was strong and supportive for them as well. He doted on his wife, but sometimes I saw him suddenly disappear and a couple of those times I followed him outside to the deck, where he was sobbing into his hands and took him in my arms.....He kept asking what he would do without her, she had been everything to him since they were college sweethearts and they had grown up together, she had supported him through everything and vice versa..........He felt like he was spinning into outer space, his very substance unravelling..............then he would pull himself together and go back to his wife, who by this time exuded the most horrific smell...........he took her hand and stroked it, never flinching or alluding to the reek.

    All of us who witnessed his love and dedication saw him as a hero............2 months after his wife died, however, he had sold the house to buy a large sail-boat, fallen in love with a beautiful much younger woman and weighed anchor....heading for the Bahamas.........

    We were confused.....Did he fake all that love and dedication?..........I thought about it a lot, because I knew on a very deep level that he was sincere in his love for his wife and his dedication to her. She had told me just before she was diagnosed......that she and her husband had always had a dream of selling their house and buying a sailboat and heading to the Bahamas......she had always seen it as an impractical pipe dream that she participated in because it was a nice way to connect with her husband.......his enthusiasm was attractive and it was lovely to connect that way, poring over maps and charts and photos on the yacht exchange sites.........a lovely dream. She didn't realize that to her husband, it was a reality, an intention that kept him going in his boring job........a real future........He appreciated the efforts his wife made to give them all a beautiful, efficient, restful home......but she was looking forward to them being home together and he was looking forward to them leaving home together.............
That was quite a story. I didn't expect to hear he remarried in 2 months. That is rather shocking.

Elaine Shuel


Rocketship 79F
18528 posts
6/28/2017 2:19 pm

Ahhhh...... Death or divorce affects folks in so many different ways.... sighhhh.

Re Sparklefit's post...... I kind of think that his wife would maybe be very happy that he was finally fulfilling his dream.

Quite often in the case of death or divorce, people make what others may consider irrational decisions. If you care for that person, just be there for them.


Nileyears 71F
4206 posts
6/28/2017 4:29 pm

    Quoting Rocketship:
    Ahhhh...... Death or divorce affects folks in so many different ways.... sighhhh.

    Re Sparklefit's post...... I kind of think that his wife would maybe be very happy that he was finally fulfilling his dream.

    Quite often in the case of death or divorce, people make what others may consider irrational decisions. If you care for that person, just be there for them.

Yes Rocket, you're probably right there, what ever floats a person's boat.

I'm here for my daughter, it's her life, her decision, I just don't understand people who can move on so quickly. In a way, I kind of wish I was a little more like her.


Nileyears 71F
4206 posts
6/28/2017 7:20 pm

    Quoting  :

Then you are either very lucky, or blessed to have found someone, probably both. Yes, we do deal with those things differently, for me, it's hard to let someone back into my life, I'm used to being single now and very much set in my ways.


Rentier1

6/28/2017 7:22 pm

I had a friend who was very angry when her father remarried in a year after her mother died.

Her sister was quite upset as well.


Nileyears 71F
4206 posts
6/28/2017 7:37 pm

    Quoting  :

Yes, I kind of have to agree with Rocket also, she's such a wise lady.

For those who never get over their grief to me would be living a horrible life, going through the pain is hard enough, but to grieve everyday would be too much for me.

I don't know about the age thing, I've gotten pickier as I age, just can't settle for just someone of interest, there has to be more to it than that. For example, love would be a good start, similar interests would be good, kindness is another. So I guess I'm like you, more than happy to go it alone if that's the case.


Nileyears 71F
4206 posts
6/28/2017 7:46 pm

    Quoting Rentier1:
    I had a friend who was very angry when her father remarried in a year after her mother died.

    Her sister was quite upset as well.
That's sad, but it happens a lot. I think a year is plenty of time to mourn the loss of a loved one. My sister's husband started dating about a year after she died and my niece gave him all kinds of grief for doing that. We talked about it and she calmed down and now accepts her dad's new girlfriend. Not sure if they plan on getting married yet though, we'll see, time will tell. I was happy for my Mom when she remarried, though I didn't care much for my stepdad, he made her happy and that's what is important.


Nileyears 71F
4206 posts
6/28/2017 10:14 pm

    Quoting  :

I've known a few men who lost their spouse, here are three of them, one of course was my brother in law when my sister died, the other two are neighbors, one chose to remarry, the other is still mourning the loss of his wife, it's been three years for him now. He's actually still mad at his wife for not telling him she was sick, he feels betrayed by her and believes she would still be here if she said something. She had ovarian cancer, died one month after her diagnoses, he did love her and I think by being mad at her is his way of grieving.

Divorce can be nasty, I know it can be really hurtful and leaves more bad memories than good, depending on who left who. It's good to hear that you only divorced your wife and not your children/child, that's awesome! Death is different though, you remember mostly the good times when you lose someone and you have no choice, you have to let them go. There is no wondering what you did wrong, or why doesn't that person love you anymore, it's final.


Rocketship 79F
18528 posts
6/29/2017 6:15 am

**Elisabeth Kubler-Ross discusses the stages of grief. It's well worth G**gling the articles.

There are no time limits in the grieving process.


jiminycricket1 73M
13732 posts
6/29/2017 11:47 am

We tend to measure the extent of the loss, by the reaction to loss.

I don't buy that one iota....

As most stories here reflect that there was a loss. The reaction to that loss is only a choice. doesn't change the loss one bit.

Rocketship said "there's no time limits is the grieving process".

The way I took that , was not the way, it was probably intended.

They way I took it.......The grieving process never really ends.
I believe that.... the people talked about here are still grieving.....To measure that by out wards signs is silly and meaningless. Look in the mirror, to see the reflection. About any loved one, or even anything you once loved. The lost of love never goes away, no matter how hard you try to replace it.


jiminycricket1 73M
13732 posts
6/29/2017 12:37 pm

    Quoting Nileyears:
    I've known a few men who lost their spouse, here are three of them, one of course was my brother in law when my sister died, the other two are neighbors, one chose to remarry, the other is still mourning the loss of his wife, it's been three years for him now. He's actually still mad at his wife for not telling him she was sick, he feels betrayed by her and believes she would still be here if she said something. She had ovarian cancer, died one month after her diagnoses, he did love her and I think by being mad at her is his way of grieving.

    Divorce can be nasty, I know it can be really hurtful and leaves more bad memories than good, depending on who left who. It's good to hear that you only divorced your wife and not your children/child, that's awesome! Death is different though, you remember mostly the good times when you lose someone and you have no choice, you have to let them go. There is no wondering what you did wrong, or why doesn't that person love you anymore, it's final.
Certainly there is a finality to death.. So in that regard it's different than divorce.

but still, it has a lot in common.

With divorce come justification for a lost love. Like most things we try to justify, it doesn't REALLY change the loss.

In most cases, the loss, is about us... not about them.
More so in divorce, but still, even in death, we tend to grieve for our own loss.

We grieve, the wrong way... In death we should grieve for those who die, those who lost your love, and what you could have given them. Not what they could have given you. Because the fact is. you never owned their love, their love wasn't yours to lose...But they lost what you were willing to give them...that's the only real loss.