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widow76207 63F
4 posts
9/21/2014 5:57 am
The first year


Widow76207

September 21, 2014

Today marks a full year since my husband, John, passed away. Those first few weeks were terrible, crying everyday, knowing that the one person I loved most was never coming back, and oh how I missed him with every breath I took. It hurt to breath. Those first few weeks, even with the crying, there was also that feeling of numbness, feeling like I was wrapped in a cocoon of some kind of protection that kept the world from intruding - and in some ways it was a blessing.
I had lost loved ones before. Between 1984 and 2006 I lost all of my grandparents, an uncle, a friend and my mother. You would think that with all the loved ones who had passed away, I would be used to the losses and that I would be prepared.
When it comes to a spouse, I discovered no matter what losses had come before, the death of my husband was so much worse. At times I hurt so bad inside I thought I would never make it through the pain of grief. There is no pain worse than losing a spouse I loved with all my heart. I got through the days and nights without him and sometimes it hurt to remember. At times I felt guilty when I laughed or smiled because he no longer could.
It does not seem to matter if you are married for years or just a few short months. When you love your spouse with everything you have, the loss is a crushing blow and no matter how strong of a person I was, I suddenly found my strength deserting me for awhile.
The months passed and the world continued outside my front door. Sometimes I never noticed. They say there is no time limit on grieving, and I found that to be true. For me healing has come slowly and I have learned some not so nice things along the way. One being that there is a certain type of man in the world who seems to feel that when you are a widow, you have lost your senses, that you are fair game, that somehow you must be missing sex since you are not having it, that you are desperate, and maybe some women are. I was not one of them.
The sad thing is, no one tells you how to get through the loss of a spouse. No one really tells you how bad the feeling will be or how awful it is. There is no “one size fits all” manual for grieving. It is different for everyone. There is no wrong way, there is no time limit and if someone says you should be over it already then they have never been where you are. There is no feeling worse than the loss of a spouse, except maybe the loss of a .
When John was alive, I never had any doubts that he loved me. I still don’t. While he was alive he made me feel loved and cherished every single day. I can only hope I returned those things to him in full measure. I certainly tried.
When I moved from Texas to Arizona, there were things I had to sell that I didn't want to sell, things I gave away that I should not have had to for years. However, they are just things and most are replaceable. The one thing not replaceable was John. He meant the world to me. When he died, we had only been married for nine short months. Neither of us had expected to lose the other so soon. We thought we had years to be together, but we didn't.
A nurse at my former doctors office once compared us to those old couples you see, the ones who walk down the street, still holding hands, still in love after many years of marriage. John and I were very much on our way to being that kind of couple. Every day we had together, we grew closer, creating our own little loving niche.
Last month, I wrote that it is time for me to continue living, and I will. I know that I have healed to a certain degree when I see one of my nieces and her boyfriend all lovey dovey around one another, creating their own private world with each other and I find joy in seeing that kind of love, rather than feeling the palpable loss of what I had such a short time ago. I will always love and miss my late husband. I know that he is in heaven and someday I will join him there, but not for a while. In the meantime, while I go on living without him, I know he is watching over me. I can look back on the life we shared and feel the love we had and not as much pain from the loss. I know I will still have tears from time to time, but nothing close to what it once was. Moving on does not mean I forget.

Rocketship 79F
18528 posts
9/21/2014 8:36 am

Warm Hugssss to you!!


Shartaun03 81F
6169 posts
9/21/2014 9:33 am

What a nice tribute to your late husband. You were fortunate to find that true love and have it for a short time. You appear to be coping very well with this.


spiritwoman45

9/21/2014 9:49 am

Been there like lots of others here. It does get easier with time and you will move on. Just take your time and do things your way in your time. People are full of advice and mean well but in the end it is as you said, something each of us has to do on our own. Realizing that you will be OK.

Spiritwoman ^i^