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| Blogs > spiritwoman45 > Life in the Canyon |
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Grumpy Old Men (and Women) Puzzles responded to my comment on her blog about triggers that she would like to hear my thoughts on this so here goes. What makes us old folks grumpy and argumentative? First of all most people do not respond this way. Far more become depressed and withdrawn than those who lash out. Count the numbers of argumentative “haters” , provokers and name callers here. It is a very small percentage of the membership. Unfortunately being "grumpy" makes them assertive and argumentative so we hear far more from them and see them as a larger presence than they really are. Here are a few thoughts. Physical disability and being in pain. By now most have experienced severe pain. For some it has come to stay. Even if we don’t have severe pain we all live with some, even if it is less significant. Animals snarl and bite when in serious pain. Much needed pain medications have side effects which include lowering our inhibitions and emotional changes that can range from inappropriate to dangerous. Grieving. Those of us who have survived so far have suffered significant losses. There are 5 stages to the grief process. People can get stuck in any of them. Anger is the second stage. Some are stuck here. The grief process also applies to loss of other things like income, health and abilities. Count us all in on these. Aging includes loss, loss, loss. Preexisting personality or mental health issues. These include lack of impulse control, substance abuse issues, paranoia and sadistic tendencies to name a few. We all have our laundry lists. Most of us have learned to keep our issues at bay but for some they have intensified with the isolation and loss of interpersonal relationships and social situations that come with aging. Insignificance. The older we get the less significance we have. Although we all looked forward to being able to retire not working limits our relevance in some way. I still work and in the case of my residents I am very relevant but still get those feelings. It’s not the same as contributing and being recognized with a pay check, especially in a society that evaluates by material standards. This is particularly difficult for people who strongly identified with their occupations or careers. My sister and I had a discussion about this several years ago. She said that I could not be an artist because I did not support myself with my work. I pointed out that I was not a social worker then either because I no longer supported myself as such and that if she retires she will no longer be a nurse. It was a true awakening moment for her. Loss of credibility. Once we hit 65 most people stop taking us seriously. A few years ago I had taken Chuck for one of his many medical procedures. This one included being sedated with Versed, which, among other things, makes people talk a lot say what they are thinking. It is usually pretty amusing. The time for the medication to work was up he nurse began going through the mental status questions. She asked what year it was. He said 1937. I reminded him that that was before he was born and we all laughed, including him. Then he said what was on his mind “No one listens to the old man anyway”. That feeling can definitely bring out the meanness and encourage people to express things they probably kept a lid on when they were younger. Life long learned roles. Many people were “in charge” for 30 – 40 years. Those who spent their lives as teachers, administrators, nurses, mothers and other roles that put them in charge continue to interact this way. My husband held administration / management positions. I frequently found myself needing to remind him that I was his wife, not an employee and that was pre retirement. When my in law was in the army he was a sergeant and assigned to supervise the office. He was used to others following orders. When he came home his was in the “terrible 2’s” and refused to obey his orders to stand in the corner telling him “Izzy says no.” He was at a loss to deal with it. Fortunately he did not escalate the situation military style. I am sure there are many more things that contribute to being grumpy old folks. Everything else aside there is the simple fact that this is just the individuals personality. Back in my student days I was told something that remained with me. When on an internship in a nursing home my supervisor told me “People don’t change with age. Their personality just becomes more pronounced." Spiritwoman ^i^ |
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1/23/2016 1:23 pm |
Definitely. don't know how missed this one. I find it increasingly more difficult to deal with customer service people. By the time we get to be our age we have messed up enough to know what doesn't work but these inexperienced folks still want is to try. Spiritwoman ^i^
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1/23/2016 1:26 pm |
Or in my case I get less and less social because it frustrates me and k don't want to be a grumpy. Recently this lead my daughter to think there was something wrong with me! just can't win. Spiritwoman ^i^
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1/23/2016 1:29 pm |
Love the pig analogy. Yup, I'd much rather peacefully wallow in the mud but poke long enough and pigs can be quite vicious. Now if it is a feral pig like we have at the lake or wild boar like they had where my kids lived in Germany they allow you no free pokes. Spiritwoman ^i^
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1/23/2016 1:43 pm |
Brings up another point, culture. The north American culture is youth oriented where as most others value age related wisdom. I will be heading to Mexico in a week or so. One of the things I love there is that, unlike here, age is respected and treated much the same way as you describe it in your country of origin. Spiritwoman ^i^
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I have to agree with this statement, it applies to SO many of us. Alfie...
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1/23/2016 3:43 pm |
Good point. I forgot about diminishing need approval. Once the need to perform for a pay check goes away this gets a lot simpler. compliance becomes a matter of staying out of jail, avoiding expensive fines, avoiding being driven out of our homes for failing to meet city codes and not alienating the few people we really care about. Spiritwoman ^i^
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I'm still laughing at this wonderful blog... in terms of age, it reminds me of a recent email I received from a longtime friend who served with my hubby in the Canadian military. He said he walked into a Tim Horton's asking for a 1/2 dozen Tidbits. The gal at the counter told him they only came in 6s, 12s, or 24s. Shaking his head & giving her a smirk, he said "so I can't have a 1/2 dozen?" She said "no, I told you they only come in 6, 12 or 24, now which would you like?" (LO Now this is how our patience runs dry... is it our age? 
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Lot of good responses, overall I agree with you
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1/24/2016 3:23 am |
Hi Spirit: Some great info. One of my 'triggers' these days when talking to people is when they start telling me some big, long, extremely boring story about themselves or about people in their lives that I've never even met. I have a feeling that I could stand there for hours and they'd never stop talking and never once try to bring me into the conversation. After several minutes listening to someone talk I refuse to be in a one-way conversation any longer and make some excuse and leave. I know the person is probably lonely and needs to talk, but I don't care. I'm not a therapist and might need to talk too. I find it the same way with blogs. If the blog is too long, I don't even read it.
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1/24/2016 10:45 am |
You bring up a good point. Perhaps our "youth culture" is based on fear of the losses that come with age where as cultures that value age see the positives of it. Personally I see both the values and losses but being the silly hippie type I am I find ways to capitalize on the misconceptions and get some laughs out of it. Spiritwoman ^i^
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1/24/2016 10:47 am |
Hi Spirit......I love your blog and the responses and found a lot of truth in both. There were some excellent points added in the comments. Spiritwoman ^i^
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1/24/2016 11:02 am |
Hi Spirit: Some great info. One of my 'triggers' these days when talking to people is when they start telling me some big, long, extremely boring story about themselves or about people in their lives that I've never even met. I have a feeling that I could stand there for hours and they'd never stop talking and never once try to bring me into the conversation. After several minutes listening to someone talk I refuse to be in a one-way conversation any longer and make some excuse and leave. I know the person is probably lonely and needs to talk, but I don't care. I'm not a therapist and might need to talk too. I find it the same way with blogs. If the blog is too long, I don't even read it. As for lengthy cut and paste, I might read it if it is about something in my areas of interests becasue I do read lengthy articles on other sites. Most of the c/p here is political in nature and only repeats itself over and over again. . Spiritwoman ^i^
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Great blog.... and interesting comments!!
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1/24/2016 1:05 pm |
Great blog.... and interesting comments!! Spiritwoman ^i^
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