 | Blogs > ChrisChadwick > Letting Go > "I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each./I do not think that they will sing for me...." |
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Well, life is getting increasingly strained for me...for us, I should say. She is increasingly limited in what she can do. She got up today for the first time in about 3 weeks: that is to say, I lifted her from the bed to the motorized chair so that she could go into her crafts room. She stayed up about 2 or 3 hours. She helped me sort through some things so that we could figure out what to leave in and what to leave out, as the song says. Somewhere in the middle, she had an anxiety attack because, as she says, she knows she is much more debilitated now than she was even a few short weeks ago. I wanted to reassure her, to tell her it would be all right, and yet, deep down, I don't at all believe it. I said nothing, though I tried to be there to lend support as she tried to get back a little of her lost functionality. I was there to hand her the Ativan, too, when she broke down in tears because her compromised present made her fear fro an even more compromizing future. I got her back in bed, helped her with her latest bowel movement, cleaned her up, watched a DVD with her, then excused myself to clean the kitchen and have a glass or three of wine while I surf the internet. While I surfed, I spent some of the time thinking about my latest attempts at forgetting it all a while on a woman's breast...not very successful attempts, I'm afraid. I'm sure the stress, the wine, and the fatigue were all factors, but I couldn't get my body to do what I sorely wanted it to do. "I grow old, I grow old..." Mostly, though, I thought about the pain, tears, and challenges that are ahead for her. I also thought about how very tired and sad I am most days now. How easy it seems, in theory, to only think about the one to whom you feel committed--and yet, how very, VERY difficult it is to live within the increasing isolation that such a commitment has come to require of me--and will require of me, as the five or so years become 10, or 15. |
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5/11/2008 7:24 pm |
Chris, I am glad to see you back. I have wondered how you and your wife were doing. I am sorry she is so much worse. I didn't realize she would deteriorate so fast. It seems like yesterday you first joined, told us of your situation and let most of us pass judgment on you. You were a brave man. I pray that you both will find relief from this nightmare. I can only imagine how she must feel to be so helpless and dependent upon you. I was incapacitated for several months and drove everyone crazy including myself. LOL I can't imagine what it must be like for you. I have sympathy but no empathy. I am proud that you are still hanging in there doing all you can to stay the course. There are a lot of people here that will listen, and some of them won't give advice. grin God Bless....Barbe
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5/11/2008 8:17 pm |
Chris, my heart goes out to you. You certainly have got your hands full. I wish you the best of luck...Mimi
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 5/11/2008 8:21 pm |
I know the walk you are walking, having taken one similar....My heart goes out to you, my arms extend a supportive hug, and hopefully heaven will hear my prayer for you both, extending your the grace you need to endure. There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it." -- Edith Wharton
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5/11/2008 8:21 pm |
Many of us have walked in these same shoes Chris. I have used the first part of the Serenity Prayer to help me accept the aspects of my husbands sickness. "Grant me the SERENITY to ACCEPT the things I cannot change." That word ACCEPT is a mighty powerful word. ACCEPT the fact that you CANNOT change her condition. ACCEPT the fact that you DO love her. ACCEPT the fact that you WILL stand by her. ACCEPT the fact that BOTH of you are hurting.. Mentally, Physically, and Emotionally. All of these are things that you CANNOT CHANGE. "The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Chris..know the things that you can change. Have extra help to give you some free time. There are many support groups for caregivers. caringtoday dot com is a good place to start. YOU YOURSELF need some support. Blessings to you both.
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5/11/2008 9:40 pm |
Chris, I too have wondered how things were going for you and your wife. I echo the same comments as Carolina_Barbe. "...I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam 'cause I yam what I yam"
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 5/11/2008 10:07 pm |
You have a heavey load to bear. I told my husband for better or worse, sickness & in health. The sickness didn't last that long.I wouldn't trade one of those horrible days for a whole week of nows. There is something about the mind and how it copes with all you are going through.You are lucky to have found this site. I wish I had then. Good luck. You know God will not put on you more than you can bear. Shay2006.... Embarrassing my children......Just one more service I offer.
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5/11/2008 11:19 pm |
Sincere hugs to you. Please remember to do what it takes to look after YOU.
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5/12/2008 3:07 am |
Hi Chris, Im sending you a big hug  Its a big cross to bear. I can relate to your wife anxiety attack, she is in the depths of despair because of her uselessness. Women like to be busy and Im sure she was always busy when she was able. Come online more often and dont worry about being a blogger clogger .. you need it. Try and get outside help, we can get help here in Ireland for a few hours a day or week, depending on how bad she is. You need to get out. Isolation is bad for us.
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5/12/2008 3:48 am |
Dear Chris: I don't know the details, but am so sorry for what your poor wife is having to go through. I will never understand the purpose of all this suffering and pain in the world. Some of us have to go through it alone but but thankfully for your wife she is very fortunate to have a caring thoughtful husband like you to help her through this. My husband was not so caring Chris, as he deserted me shortly after I was diagnosed with a serious illness. All the best to you and your wife. Excellent blog by the way. Bijou xoxo
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5/12/2008 9:14 am |
Dear Chris, I have been thinking and praying for you and your wife. Its a heavy load your caring.I pray things will get easier for the both of you.Remember God does answer prayers and perform mircles. Dustin is proof of that. Gods blessings
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5/12/2008 9:39 am |
Chris, can't you get some kind of respite care? You need to go out in the world. Forget about girlfriends...but get out into the world. Belle
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5/12/2008 11:08 am |
Belle is giving you some good advice...you have to take care of yourself and allow yourself some down time...it's OK you know... All my best! Life...ya gotta love it!
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5/12/2008 3:04 pm |
I have wondered so many times how things are going with you. Life is so full of hurts and worries. Prayers will be said for you and for your wife. To err is human, to not laugh humane.
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