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4/30/2017 10:00 am |
I find myself thinking about my past marriages, relationships and even men I just dated a lot these days. No matter why each relationship ended, I always end up elevating the man to sainthood and thinking the break up was all my fault, so if only I would have done this or not done that we would still be together. I was dating a Social Worker once for about three months. He was so smart and handsome and looked like a young Clint Eastwood. One day I was driving by a park and there under a tree in a drunken stupor was a homeless drunken bum and I looked closer and it was my boyfriend. I later found out he was a total alcoholic who kept relapsing, so I can just imagine what you went through being married to one.
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Ahhh..... the memories~~~ When I got rid of the physical reminders of the young, foolish and sad times in my first marriage, I felt such a weight come off of my shoulders! Very freeing!!
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I went to a musical event last night and one of the musicians is a man that I have blocked from my heart for about 20 years because I love him so much and he is so wrong for me.......The dilemma is very much shared......I was sitting in the front row and at one point.....when he introduced a song, he was very so endearingly funny and I laughed out loud and his eyes pivoted to me and our eyes met........I haven't seen him for a couple of years, but it's always like this.....the deep love........But we both know that if we were a couple that love would wander away and get lost in the wilderness. I know how that works.......I can totally relate to your feelings.....nostalgia, a great love that wittered away as we were busy surviving..........Amazing isn't it that no matter how well we weeded that garden......6 years ago my ex husband came back into my life because he was dying.......and I could see so clearly what I had loved.....and how he had squashed that love.........<3
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There is a certain poignancy that comes when re-engaging with the past isn't there. Undoubtedly your then husband's words were sincere but lacked the committment or heart to follow through (?). I'm sorry your hopes for the future evaporated on realising alcohol's grip on your husband proved too strong for him to overcome. Alcohol can be a harsh mistress and it is sad to see the many wasted lives thrown up on life's shores and trail of broken lives left in its wake.
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Our roots grow around the boulders in our hearts......enriching us , teaching us......The past does matter.....it informs our present with much poignancy and beauty.
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The past very much can be changed if you let it out to play.
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Thanks, Jan, for sharing this small chapter of your journal...Good blog.   Trust in dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.(Khalil Gibran)
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